another run today

I ran 2 miles today even as the muscles behind my injured knee cried out "pain!".  I ended the run a bit early, so it wasn't as though I completely ignored the cries.  I iced it and took some motrin too.

I have been my old self of late and I am grateful.  Every day I say a thank you to the world and myself.

I read in a meditation book today the idea of getting stuck in ruts, how we unknowingly stay with what we know even when it is no longer working.  I immediately thought of my marriage.  How long did I know that it was over?  Years...YEARS.   Why did I stay?  I thought I could change it, change ME.

How many times have I assumed that the problem with anything is ME?  Short answer: A LOT.

There is always this "What's wrong with me?" driving my behavior.  If I could just be _________
(fill in the blank)  everything would be better/fine.

Even the friendships I have ended come from a long time knowing that things were not good.  I believed that whatever I had was better than nothing.  I was wrong.  It's better to have nothing.

I don't have the pressure anymore.  No pressure to conform or to say what I know others want to hear.  No pressure to be less than I am or more than I am.  I am enough to be me.  We are all different and it's okay that I don't know anyone like me.  My job is to be me and I am up for the task.

Do I feel lonely sometimes, sure.  I feel bored more often. I see that the time has come to get out of the house and work...or volunteer.

I have been home raising kids for 18 years, homeschooling them too.  Now when I am home with the boys I feel uneasy.  That life is over and I feel pulled and pushed about it.  I am sad on one side and looking forward to something new on the other.  I guess the word 'ambivalent' fits in well here.

I don't know what kind of job I can get and I am very scared that I will have to do something I hate.
I calm myself down by saying that my attitude about what I do will be most important.

I know enough about myself about what jobs not to take.  I have already sent emails out to 3 of them and after reading the job descriptions, I knew they were not the way to go.

From where I am now, I cannot fathom how I could find a job close to home that I love doing and that can allow me to pay my monthly bills.

Saying that, 2 years ago there is no way that I could have imagined getting divorced, handling my illnesses, and going to Italy for a month so I need to remember that life has a way of taking care of things.

Just because I cannot see it doesn't mean it isn't possible.  I am staying open to possibilities.   I am not allowing fear to take over my life.  I do what I can with what I have to do each day.

In the movie "Shakespeare in Love" there is a line that one of characters repeats throughout the film when it looks as though catastrophe is near.   "Strangely enough, it all turns out well".

Life is indeed a mystery and I don't know how things fall into place...but they do, they indeed do.

Breaking the surface

Hello world (and me) I missed ya!

A few days ago I woke up and could feel that the underwater feeling that I had been struggling with, had dissipated.  It was as though I was reborn into the air, once again.  Ahhh..

I didn't say much for the first day or two, I was afraid it was a false alarm. It wasn't.

Those 10 days were hell, no doubt about it.  I started a major food change before this began and I wonder if the withdrawal of caffeine, corn, red meat, beans, rice, potatoes...there is too many to write.
I now eat organic veggies, some fruit and occasionally chicken.  I enjoy s fruit smoothie here and there and fresh juice once in a while.  It is simple.  Amazingly, I am not hungry very often yet when I am, anything will do.  My food cravings have melted away.

I was so devastated by my knee problem...but yesterday I realized what a GIFT it was!  I would not have made food changes (I want to get weight off my knee for I can RUN).  I would not have sought out a knee specialist who told me a few days ago that my knee is free from any major defects and as it heals and I do PT to build up the muscles around it, I will be able to run.

Now he also said that I will most likely need a knee replacement some day due to the osteoarthritis,  bone spurs, and ligament wearing away BUT there is HOPE.

I was so excited that yesterday morning I woke up and that lovely inner voice whispered, "run".  So I did.  I wore a knee brace and I ran gingerly, trying to push off with the front of my foot rather than pounding away with a heal strike.  After 6 weeks of no running, I ran my normal 2 miles.

The knee was strained but when I got home I iced and rested it for most of the day.

I am SO HAPPY.  I can run.  Being cut off from that activity was like being cut off from my soul.  I feel alive when I run.  Just me and the world, me and nature, bopping along the road...it is heaven.

I have decided to rest for 3 days and then run again.  I alrady signed up for my first ever 5k run.  This was something I have been looking forward to for many months.  My sons ran in it last year and my oldest boy who is 17 told me he is going to run it with me.  He'll have to run slow to keep up with me but it was so sweet of him. He leaves for a 4 month trek on the Appalachian Trail in 6 weeks.  This will be a lovely thing for us to share.

I have also realized that my thinking has been OLD.  Lots of childhood and young adult thoughts were running my life such as "No one loves me"  "I can't do this"  "What's wrong with me?" "I don't fit it anywhere"  "I want to die."

I have been telling myself each day "I want to live. I want to love. I want laugh. I want to dance. I want to run. I want everything I do to help others in some way. I want to work. I want peace. "

Talk about a total turn around, eh?  I am not sure what is going on, but I am going with it.  I went through the dark times.  I am going through these bright times.  I am following nature rather than fighting with it.

I don't know how things are supposed to go.  I don't know if I am worthy or lovable. I don't know what the future holds for me, those I love, the world.  I don't know if I am going to fail.  I don't know if I can make it on my own financially.  I don't know.

But this I know:  I've been though hell and back more times than I care to recall.  What was all that for if not to be here today?  I am here.  I am alive.  I am grateful.  I am taking care of myself.  I am not allowing fear to dictate my life.  I feel as free now as I did in my month in Italy.  What I experienced there is becoming part of my life here.  I am so lucky, so fortunate.  I feel peace.  I share peace.  Heaven is not a place, it's a frame of mind.  It's lovely.  May you feel it too.

And on it goes...

I woke up this morning and the deep emotional ache met me head-on.

I am at a loss for what is going on with me.  It is on a level that I am not conscious of and it is making me crazy.  It is as though a part of me is gone.  I don't feel fully alive.  Something has anesthetized me.
I can't access all of myself.

My knee is not healing properly so my running days may be over.  I am SLOWLY coming to terms with that truth.  I looked up exercise bikes online...I need to do something.  They say swimming is the best thing to do but I sure don't have the money for a health club membership.

In the field of mythology(which I teach) there is a metaphor of something called "The wasteland".  My life for the past week or so has been a wasteland.  I see life, I see beauty but I am stuck underwater.

I have been impatient with my sons and find that I stare at the clock wondering how I will get through the day.  Only eating homemade veggie soup and smoothies does not make any of this easier.  I have always been an emotional eater and not having that crutch is making this painful.

A day at a time, that is well known saying.  I am taking it a breath at a time.  Here I am.  I am alive.

I've been reminding myself of all I have to be grateful for: a home, my children's health, a working car, bills paid, I am more healthy then not.  It all feels hollow.

What is it?  There is something I have missed somewhere.  I keep trying to look back and see what happened.  What drove me under?

I feel stuck, really stuck.  As though I was on my way somewhere and all of sudden there was an electric outage.  Boom.  Stuck.

When I could run, I was free.  I could put on my running clothes and my sneaks and head out!

And no, walking is not the same.  There was special release when I ran, even when it was hard.

Unless you've been a runner, I don't think anyone can understand.  I am surprised more than anyone as I have never been a person who exercises, nevertheless ran.

Running was a way of not being my illness.  Running was a way of being in the world.  Running was pure me and I loved it.

It's not just feeling sorry for myself.  It's not just a pity party, I promise.

It is an overload.  An emotional overload.  Yes, sooner or later I will come to terms with what is happening to my body.  That moment has not arrived.

I don't know who I am anymore.  If you can't count on yourself, what are you supposed to do?
I am living in a war zone of sorts, I never know what is going to go 'boom' next.

I'm tired.  I afraid.  I'm alone.  Ugh.

'Hey Jude'

This song just came on at the cafe.  Like I wasn't sad enough today.  Crap.  My oldest Kathy (born in 1956) was a huge Beatles fan.  I miss her, especially these days when I am feeling so low.

I keep wondering what is it that I have to be depressed about anyway?  Then I realized that this feels like grief.  I know this well.  I've buried my father when I was 20, Kathy when I was 36, my other sister Liz when I was 47.  I've (partly) adjusted to having a chronic illness that keeps chugging along.  I ended my 23 year marriage in 2011.  Yeah, grief and I know each other well.

"Existential Blues" that is a term that also describes what is going on with me.  I look around and DO NOT understand what the hell people are thinking/doing.  It seems everyone buys into whatever is cool these days.  Is anyone noticing the truth?

Is life really about buying beer and having a sexy looking girlfriend?  Is like really about your house smelling like lavender?  Is it about shiny hair and a new car?  Is shopping the new xanax?  Is everyone on some kind of medication?!

I am 47 and all I see in my future is becoming another tiny cog in this big machine.  I don't want to be a cog.  I don't want to be like everyone else.  I don't want to live in a box, drive 45 minutes to find culture, and have no friends.  But this is how I live.

What does society do with the people who don't fit in?  Are some of the homeless people those who dared to say no?

What are the alternatives?

The worries of life never seem to decrease.

My ex-husband hours have been cut at work, so we have gone from living week-to-week, to a new very tight budget.  This is life. People seem like surfs, struggling to keep their heads above water.

I live off my ex-husband's income for another 2 years, until our youngest is 18.  Who am I to complain.

I don't think I have what it takes to make it out there.  Honestly.  Life isn't for everybody.

What I do, who I am, is not enough to live independently.  How do I accept that about myself?
I can hate myself but that gets me nowhere fast.

I do love teaching, which I do once a week for 2 months.  In that, I can be myself.
When I dance, I am me.  When I write, I am me.

So I need to find a teaching, dancing, writing gig?

I am finding everything difficult these past 3 days.  I am off-track.

What is the grief about?  The loss of my life, how it used to be.  The old friendships are over.  I can't run until my knee heals.  I have made major changes in my diet.  My life has been stripped down, deconstructed.  My 'home' is now 2x4s and studs.  What to do?  What to do?

Feel it.

I am.

Oh, I really am.

driving around

I woke up today feel somewhat less lost.  Within an hour, the gloomy funk returned.

I cleaned a bit, (odd places like under my bed, the lid of the garbage, around the phone) listened to classical music and found myself back in the place of "what do I do?"  Life seems dead.

I got dressed (looking like a human being helped remind me I am a human being) and headed out.
Where? No idea.

I drove north on the interstate.  No music in the car, just the hum of the engine.  I wrestled with these demons that have me frantically searching for peace, connection, something!

I looked at the winter colors of the trees and the cloudy sky, they too are depressed.

I got off at an exit I knew so I wouldn't get too lost in northern NH.  I parked on the busy main street village and wrote: What's wrong with me? Why am I numb? What am I depressing aboutmyself, about others?

I sat in my little car writing, getting nowhere.

I went for a walk.  A man stopped me and asked if I was from around there.  I said no and then he told me he is really from Cape Cod and he needs to take a bus home...yada yada yada.  I heard him say he need $5.  I took the money from my pants pocket and handed him a five.  "God bless you"  he said.

I walked away not knowing how he was going to spend that $5, but it didn't matter.  He was in need.  I had it to give.  Blessing to him.

I went into a thrift store and looked around.  I didn't want to buy anything today.  A woman feeling miserable shopping?  Oh please, just what this world needs.

I walked behind main street where there is a long covered bridge that goes over a river.  I walked and then decided to jog the rest.  My knee is not well, I KNOW.  I miss running.  I miss getting out and doing it.  I wanted to do it this morning but I didn't.  I have PT starting this Thursday and it should heal before I start pounding away at it.

Maybe that is where some of this gloom is coming from...I can't run.   Where is my outlet now?
What do I do with the energy that got released when I ran?

I thought about buddhist ideas today, trying to get myself off the idea of ME.  ME as the center of the world, ME as the poor thing who doesn't have a good friend, ME who might end up alone.

I looked around me and saw the bigger picture.  There are people walking asound shopping with their partner, children, some alone.  I've been a couple, a married couple, so I need to remember that every couple I see isn't necessarily happy.  I know that too.

It was too cold to walk anymore so I headed home.  I listened to a cd of songs from the 70's and 80's.  I sang along with some of them.  I looked at the mountains as I drove south on the interstate.  No snow, how odd for February in these parts.  

I am a tiny part of life.  ME isn't all there is.  I don't know how or when I am going to feel better.  Maybe this is how I feel but when I am busy I don't notice?

I am struggling.  I am tired.  I don't want to be unhappy.  Perhaps this is the road I am on.  Who knows where it will lead.

misfit, outcast

That is how I feel today, as though I don't belong.

I don't know why.  I look at my life and see the next step to take but I am tired.
I am tired of life challenging me.  When is the break?  When we die? I am not so sure.

I got up this morning, showered, drank my juice and headed out to do Saturday morning chores: recycle, garbage, bank and post office.

Then...nothing.  I had no where to go, no one to call, nothing to do.  I didn't want to go home.  I am living on a tight budget so just driving around wasn't an option.

I got home and felt depleted, dead.  Living in a wasteland with no life energy.  I tidied up a bit and made some soup.  I sat down and starting reading a book on the ancient mother goddess, this is research for a course I am teaching in March.

So I got the wood stove going. I read.  I ate soup. My sons went to the local cafe with laptops in tow.
"They have more of a life than I do" I thought sadly to myself.

When did I get old?  When did things that used to make me happy, fail to do so anymore?
Did those things really make me happy or were they distractions?

What do I want?  What am I so fiercely fighting for anyway?

I can remember searching for answers at 19, it was like banging my head against a stone wall.

I am still searching for 'IT'.

I think that I am looking for a goal line to pass over so I can slam down the football and scream "Touchdown!".  I want to be done, I want to 'make it' whatever the hell that means.

I am searching for purpose.  Yes, that is the perfect word.

While I was journaling today about feeling frustrated with this heavy role of MOTHER, I wrote this on the margin of the page:

 Does no one know me?

That stopped me cold.  Does anyone know me, I pondered.  No, is the truthful answer.

I am not someone who keeps her emotions locked up. I am quite good at expressing myself, both verbally and in writing.

I've ended all my friendships in the past 2 years, so I don't have a history with anyone.

Do I know myself?  I have a pretty good idea.

I think of the prayer of St. Francis and wonder "Do I know anyone?"

I spoke to someone yesterday who knows a friend (who I recently stopped hanging out with) and told me in passing something about them.  (a weekend plan)  I felt neutral about it.  I have not told anyone that we are no longer friends.

On my way home I realized that even though I miss the emails and social gatherings with these friends, I did not miss who I was when I was with them.  I do not miss her at all.  I don't miss pretending I don't notice when their children are acting very inappropriately,  I don't miss the drinking, I don't miss the drama, I don't miss acting as though I don't mind when I do.

I was the problem with the friendship because I wasn't being me.  I tried to be me, it didn't go over well.

How do I fit in?  I think about life, our culture, economy, and ask myself "HOW? How the hell am I going to find a way to take care of myself and still retain my spirit?"

The answer is that I don't know. I don't have the faintest clue.  For now, the wood stove is burning hot and the chicken soup smells good.  I know I am a misfit, that much I know for sure.  Ooomph.