Breaking the surface

Hello world (and me) I missed ya!

A few days ago I woke up and could feel that the underwater feeling that I had been struggling with, had dissipated.  It was as though I was reborn into the air, once again.  Ahhh..

I didn't say much for the first day or two, I was afraid it was a false alarm. It wasn't.

Those 10 days were hell, no doubt about it.  I started a major food change before this began and I wonder if the withdrawal of caffeine, corn, red meat, beans, rice, potatoes...there is too many to write.
I now eat organic veggies, some fruit and occasionally chicken.  I enjoy s fruit smoothie here and there and fresh juice once in a while.  It is simple.  Amazingly, I am not hungry very often yet when I am, anything will do.  My food cravings have melted away.

I was so devastated by my knee problem...but yesterday I realized what a GIFT it was!  I would not have made food changes (I want to get weight off my knee for I can RUN).  I would not have sought out a knee specialist who told me a few days ago that my knee is free from any major defects and as it heals and I do PT to build up the muscles around it, I will be able to run.

Now he also said that I will most likely need a knee replacement some day due to the osteoarthritis,  bone spurs, and ligament wearing away BUT there is HOPE.

I was so excited that yesterday morning I woke up and that lovely inner voice whispered, "run".  So I did.  I wore a knee brace and I ran gingerly, trying to push off with the front of my foot rather than pounding away with a heal strike.  After 6 weeks of no running, I ran my normal 2 miles.

The knee was strained but when I got home I iced and rested it for most of the day.

I am SO HAPPY.  I can run.  Being cut off from that activity was like being cut off from my soul.  I feel alive when I run.  Just me and the world, me and nature, bopping along the road...it is heaven.

I have decided to rest for 3 days and then run again.  I alrady signed up for my first ever 5k run.  This was something I have been looking forward to for many months.  My sons ran in it last year and my oldest boy who is 17 told me he is going to run it with me.  He'll have to run slow to keep up with me but it was so sweet of him. He leaves for a 4 month trek on the Appalachian Trail in 6 weeks.  This will be a lovely thing for us to share.

I have also realized that my thinking has been OLD.  Lots of childhood and young adult thoughts were running my life such as "No one loves me"  "I can't do this"  "What's wrong with me?" "I don't fit it anywhere"  "I want to die."

I have been telling myself each day "I want to live. I want to love. I want laugh. I want to dance. I want to run. I want everything I do to help others in some way. I want to work. I want peace. "

Talk about a total turn around, eh?  I am not sure what is going on, but I am going with it.  I went through the dark times.  I am going through these bright times.  I am following nature rather than fighting with it.

I don't know how things are supposed to go.  I don't know if I am worthy or lovable. I don't know what the future holds for me, those I love, the world.  I don't know if I am going to fail.  I don't know if I can make it on my own financially.  I don't know.

But this I know:  I've been though hell and back more times than I care to recall.  What was all that for if not to be here today?  I am here.  I am alive.  I am grateful.  I am taking care of myself.  I am not allowing fear to dictate my life.  I feel as free now as I did in my month in Italy.  What I experienced there is becoming part of my life here.  I am so lucky, so fortunate.  I feel peace.  I share peace.  Heaven is not a place, it's a frame of mind.  It's lovely.  May you feel it too.