driving around

I woke up today feel somewhat less lost.  Within an hour, the gloomy funk returned.

I cleaned a bit, (odd places like under my bed, the lid of the garbage, around the phone) listened to classical music and found myself back in the place of "what do I do?"  Life seems dead.

I got dressed (looking like a human being helped remind me I am a human being) and headed out.
Where? No idea.

I drove north on the interstate.  No music in the car, just the hum of the engine.  I wrestled with these demons that have me frantically searching for peace, connection, something!

I looked at the winter colors of the trees and the cloudy sky, they too are depressed.

I got off at an exit I knew so I wouldn't get too lost in northern NH.  I parked on the busy main street village and wrote: What's wrong with me? Why am I numb? What am I depressing aboutmyself, about others?

I sat in my little car writing, getting nowhere.

I went for a walk.  A man stopped me and asked if I was from around there.  I said no and then he told me he is really from Cape Cod and he needs to take a bus home...yada yada yada.  I heard him say he need $5.  I took the money from my pants pocket and handed him a five.  "God bless you"  he said.

I walked away not knowing how he was going to spend that $5, but it didn't matter.  He was in need.  I had it to give.  Blessing to him.

I went into a thrift store and looked around.  I didn't want to buy anything today.  A woman feeling miserable shopping?  Oh please, just what this world needs.

I walked behind main street where there is a long covered bridge that goes over a river.  I walked and then decided to jog the rest.  My knee is not well, I KNOW.  I miss running.  I miss getting out and doing it.  I wanted to do it this morning but I didn't.  I have PT starting this Thursday and it should heal before I start pounding away at it.

Maybe that is where some of this gloom is coming from...I can't run.   Where is my outlet now?
What do I do with the energy that got released when I ran?

I thought about buddhist ideas today, trying to get myself off the idea of ME.  ME as the center of the world, ME as the poor thing who doesn't have a good friend, ME who might end up alone.

I looked around me and saw the bigger picture.  There are people walking asound shopping with their partner, children, some alone.  I've been a couple, a married couple, so I need to remember that every couple I see isn't necessarily happy.  I know that too.

It was too cold to walk anymore so I headed home.  I listened to a cd of songs from the 70's and 80's.  I sang along with some of them.  I looked at the mountains as I drove south on the interstate.  No snow, how odd for February in these parts.  

I am a tiny part of life.  ME isn't all there is.  I don't know how or when I am going to feel better.  Maybe this is how I feel but when I am busy I don't notice?

I am struggling.  I am tired.  I don't want to be unhappy.  Perhaps this is the road I am on.  Who knows where it will lead.