misfit, outcast

That is how I feel today, as though I don't belong.

I don't know why.  I look at my life and see the next step to take but I am tired.
I am tired of life challenging me.  When is the break?  When we die? I am not so sure.

I got up this morning, showered, drank my juice and headed out to do Saturday morning chores: recycle, garbage, bank and post office.

Then...nothing.  I had no where to go, no one to call, nothing to do.  I didn't want to go home.  I am living on a tight budget so just driving around wasn't an option.

I got home and felt depleted, dead.  Living in a wasteland with no life energy.  I tidied up a bit and made some soup.  I sat down and starting reading a book on the ancient mother goddess, this is research for a course I am teaching in March.

So I got the wood stove going. I read.  I ate soup. My sons went to the local cafe with laptops in tow.
"They have more of a life than I do" I thought sadly to myself.

When did I get old?  When did things that used to make me happy, fail to do so anymore?
Did those things really make me happy or were they distractions?

What do I want?  What am I so fiercely fighting for anyway?

I can remember searching for answers at 19, it was like banging my head against a stone wall.

I am still searching for 'IT'.

I think that I am looking for a goal line to pass over so I can slam down the football and scream "Touchdown!".  I want to be done, I want to 'make it' whatever the hell that means.

I am searching for purpose.  Yes, that is the perfect word.

While I was journaling today about feeling frustrated with this heavy role of MOTHER, I wrote this on the margin of the page:

 Does no one know me?

That stopped me cold.  Does anyone know me, I pondered.  No, is the truthful answer.

I am not someone who keeps her emotions locked up. I am quite good at expressing myself, both verbally and in writing.

I've ended all my friendships in the past 2 years, so I don't have a history with anyone.

Do I know myself?  I have a pretty good idea.

I think of the prayer of St. Francis and wonder "Do I know anyone?"

I spoke to someone yesterday who knows a friend (who I recently stopped hanging out with) and told me in passing something about them.  (a weekend plan)  I felt neutral about it.  I have not told anyone that we are no longer friends.

On my way home I realized that even though I miss the emails and social gatherings with these friends, I did not miss who I was when I was with them.  I do not miss her at all.  I don't miss pretending I don't notice when their children are acting very inappropriately,  I don't miss the drinking, I don't miss the drama, I don't miss acting as though I don't mind when I do.

I was the problem with the friendship because I wasn't being me.  I tried to be me, it didn't go over well.

How do I fit in?  I think about life, our culture, economy, and ask myself "HOW? How the hell am I going to find a way to take care of myself and still retain my spirit?"

The answer is that I don't know. I don't have the faintest clue.  For now, the wood stove is burning hot and the chicken soup smells good.  I know I am a misfit, that much I know for sure.  Ooomph.