and I am up. I get knocked down but I always get up.
The medical saga got me down but I'm back and being proactive.
I am making some changes with food again hoping my immune system will calm down.
I asked for a 2nd opinion and will see a knee specialist in 3 weeks. I am not laying down and waiting for the world to make everything better. I am doing what I can to take good care of myself.
I taught my class today (on the pedagogical & psychological aspects of mythological symbols) and it felt good to be alive. I don't have illness when I am standing in front of the room. I lecture, answer questions, pace the floor. Ah to being fully alive. This is bliss.
I was glad to get home, grateful to have a warm home. No drama here. I look at my cat (one of three) Bellaluna and I am overwhelmed with contentment. She is a cat I adopted from my vet's office 2 years ago on the winter solstice. I went there to buy cat food, took one look at her and we were connected. She was nothing special to look at just a short haired grey cat. Our connection is beyond words, my heart opens when I look at her. She brings me joy just by being herself.
Those are the kind of relationships I want to have, people being themselves and other people responding in a loving way. I don't ask for much, do I? ha!
I still don't miss my friends. I actually thought to myself "Whew, no more crazies". I never realized how much energy it was taking out of my life trying to keep up with their latest crisis. I still love them, but I am glad that I untied myself from their lives.
I am still in search of someone like me. (That reeks of egotism, but its not) Last week an acquaintance posed a question about identifying our wounds. I didn't say much about it although several people in the group talked about what that meant for them.
On the drive home I asked myself the question and in the silence came "I've never been loved for who I am" and it hurt, because it was true.
I didn't feel pity for myself. I wasn't angry. I have not experienced a mature love. I don't know if I will get an opportunity in this life but sure hope so. I know that sometimes things don't go the way we hope, maybe love isn't in the cards for me. Maybe Bellaluna is as good as it gets.
The more I risk, the more I live, the more I know myself. I long for someone to share those deep parts of myself with. I share some of it when I teach, although not in a vulnerable manner. I share that part of myself when I dance and when I write.
I am not doing all this work so I will be appealing to some guy. I am doing all this work in order to live, to fully embrace life and who I am and what is real. I like me more and more. Even alone, I can be a friend to myself. I've been a good friend this week. I picked myself up, looked at what I could do to help, and I am doing it.
Maybe some of us don't get a chance at mature love with another person.
I'm grateful for the cat version. Love is love afterall.
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