another run today

I ran 2 miles today even as the muscles behind my injured knee cried out "pain!".  I ended the run a bit early, so it wasn't as though I completely ignored the cries.  I iced it and took some motrin too.

I have been my old self of late and I am grateful.  Every day I say a thank you to the world and myself.

I read in a meditation book today the idea of getting stuck in ruts, how we unknowingly stay with what we know even when it is no longer working.  I immediately thought of my marriage.  How long did I know that it was over?  Years...YEARS.   Why did I stay?  I thought I could change it, change ME.

How many times have I assumed that the problem with anything is ME?  Short answer: A LOT.

There is always this "What's wrong with me?" driving my behavior.  If I could just be _________
(fill in the blank)  everything would be better/fine.

Even the friendships I have ended come from a long time knowing that things were not good.  I believed that whatever I had was better than nothing.  I was wrong.  It's better to have nothing.

I don't have the pressure anymore.  No pressure to conform or to say what I know others want to hear.  No pressure to be less than I am or more than I am.  I am enough to be me.  We are all different and it's okay that I don't know anyone like me.  My job is to be me and I am up for the task.

Do I feel lonely sometimes, sure.  I feel bored more often. I see that the time has come to get out of the house and work...or volunteer.

I have been home raising kids for 18 years, homeschooling them too.  Now when I am home with the boys I feel uneasy.  That life is over and I feel pulled and pushed about it.  I am sad on one side and looking forward to something new on the other.  I guess the word 'ambivalent' fits in well here.

I don't know what kind of job I can get and I am very scared that I will have to do something I hate.
I calm myself down by saying that my attitude about what I do will be most important.

I know enough about myself about what jobs not to take.  I have already sent emails out to 3 of them and after reading the job descriptions, I knew they were not the way to go.

From where I am now, I cannot fathom how I could find a job close to home that I love doing and that can allow me to pay my monthly bills.

Saying that, 2 years ago there is no way that I could have imagined getting divorced, handling my illnesses, and going to Italy for a month so I need to remember that life has a way of taking care of things.

Just because I cannot see it doesn't mean it isn't possible.  I am staying open to possibilities.   I am not allowing fear to take over my life.  I do what I can with what I have to do each day.

In the movie "Shakespeare in Love" there is a line that one of characters repeats throughout the film when it looks as though catastrophe is near.   "Strangely enough, it all turns out well".

Life is indeed a mystery and I don't know how things fall into place...but they do, they indeed do.