http://vermontbuddha.blogspot.it

For the next month I will blogging on this new blog. (see blog title, above)

 I just got into rainy, cold Umbertide today.

It is very different than my last visit...and as it should.

See you over at the new blog.  :)

Ciao

In Rome

Hotel didn't honor ( bookedup??!!)3 month old Orbitz prepaid reservation.  I'm a few blocs away at their sister hotel.  UGH what a bad night last night.  Tired.  write more when I get to Umbertide.

3 days to go...

then I take a bus to the plane, then another plane and then a train, another train and one more train.

Ugh!  I forgot how much prep work goes into traveling.  I am making lists, going over bills with my son, figuring our what clothes to bring, yada yada yada.

Time is flowing so fast.  Where has May gone?

I wake up and it's dark again.  Seriously, it's kind of scary.

I am more nervous this trip.  Ignorance is bliss I guess.  The last trip (my first ever to Europe) I was just excited.  This time, I know more of what to expect and I feel a bit of anxiety.

I remember the stress of not speaking the language and trains, buses, not sure where to go.  Plus, being on your own, all you have is that voice in your head to talk to and it can get lonely.

I know I will be fine but I am surprised how nervous I am.

In some ways it is easier, knowing what to pack and such.

I don't have any expectations (like my first trip) nor am I trying to recapture all the wonders of the first trip.  This is FIRST 2nd trip, anything is possible, eh?

I will be a worrying mother whether I am in VT, Italy, or on the moon.  No, I can disengage from parenting.  Sometimes I feel bad how easy I can do that when I am on my own.

I don't know what to expect...and these 3am anxiety attacks are getting old.  What the hell is going on in that deep unconscious of mine?  I have no history of this type of thing, even during the divorce or my  sister's death.

There is more going on than meets the eye.  Since I have no clue, I am sure it will come out in my writings.

I am thinking of starting a blog just for the trip.  Hmm...I'll think about it.

I am still in shock that I am going again.  Me? Italy?  Twice in less than a year?  Impossible.  Possible.

The universe works in strange ways...very!

It is surreal to me.  Surreal.

This time next week I'll be in Italy.  Ahh...nope, I can't imagine it.

Still, I am moving forward with prep work and such.  "Show up," that's what my mother reminds me about how best to handle a situation that we fear.

I am not running away.  I am not sure what is going on with the anxiety or the trepidation, but I am showing up.

A baby step at a time.  Here I go...

breathing room

I've had nightmares twice in the past 3 days.  Monday morning it took me over 2 hours to wiggle out of the feelings I had clinging to me since waking up.

This morning, a new set of dreams with the same dreaded feelings.

I went on 2 job interviews Monday.  There was a job I wanted and then another job that made the first job look pathetic.

I was prepared for the 'a' interview and figured I'd just swing it for the 'b' interview.

Well, the 'b' interview went excellent and the 'a' interview was blah.

My gut told me that even though I wanted the 'a' job, the timing and interview of 'b' job felt right.

I got offered the 'b' job and the 'a' job took a pass due to the fact that I can't start asap.  ( I leave for Italy n 8 days!!)

I am glad I accepted the 'a' job without knowing for sure the 'b' job.  

It is for 6 weeks, full time at a school camp in a ritzy town.  I am sure I can do it.  I like who my supervisor is.  I think she is 20 years younger than I am. ha!

So I didn't get the job with the office in the very nice village.  I had images of me there.  I had planned on walking to the great general store for lunch.  I was feeling quiet full of pride thinking I had that job.

Not to be.

I have a summer job with kids.  This is what worked out for me.  Why the shame...embarrassment?

Maybe because I am 48 with a Masters degree and I'll be working with college students and middle school kids?

I don't know.  I am trying to let it all go and be grateful I found a job.  It was a BIG step for me.
And the job gives me something else to put on my resume.  I am lead counselor after all.  ha!

I can't believe I am leaving for Italy in 8 days!!!!!   The time is flying.  I've started making some plans.  I told the bank, so I can use my debit card.  I wrote out bills and deposit slips for my son to take care of things while I am gone.

I am leaving my 16 yr old home.  His father lives on the other side of the house.  Gulp. I am so used to being in charge and being responsible for everything and everyone.  Learn to let go.

My soon to be 18 yr old is still hiking the AT in Virginia.  I spoke with him today and he sounds like he is acting like some cool hiking dude.  It might be time for him to come home.  He has a tendency to want to be an image of who he wants to be vs being himself.  This will have to be addressed before I leave on Thursday.

I am scared about the trip to Italy.  I feel as though I am tempting the fates.  I had an excellent trip in Sept last year so that means (according to my upbringing) that this trip should be a disaster.  I am aware of the fear and I keep letting it go.   So far, it keeps coming back.

Who knows what will happen?  All I know is that I was given the opportunity to go and I took it.
My mom is surprisingly helping me out financially, so this really is a miracle trip too.

I have a job set up for the day after I get home from Italy.  M-F 8:30 to 4:30.  I haven't worked full time since 1993.  Although motherhood is uber full-time.

I have mixed emotions today.

 I also finished teaching my last class.  It was an 8 week class for adults on the history of matriarchal societies (statues found from 35,000 BC) to today's patriarchal societies.  No, there was no man-bashing.  It was more about the invisible rules and hierarchies we live and participate in.  I enjoyed it.  I'll teach again in the fall about male and female mythical roles: The Hero and The Wild Woman.

I am home.  I have a summer job.  I am going to Italy for 27 days.  Life is good, although I don't see it.

See it.  I need to open my eyes and see how wonderful life is.  It is wonderful.  It is.  

grace

I explained to my meditation group that I have been feeling more and more of these 'grace' moments.
I am not sure why or what has to happen for it to happen.

I wrote about it yesterday and went like this:

By grace I mean something akin to the sun.  It is always there whether I see it or not.  It is free. It is a natural state of life.  The sun shines on all, on everything.

Grace is not about some deserving halo following me around because I did something good.

Here is way of explaining it:  I have found a way out of my house, so I feel the sun more.  What that path is, I don't know, maybe being awake?  Maybe not being caught up in the day to day stuff?

In times of silence when I no longer tune into the inner dialog voices, there it is....peace, contentment.
I feel as though I don't exist and yet I feel more alive.  Such a paradox.

I watched a talk of the Dalai Lama last night.  He was speaking at a college in Oregon.  I loved it when he stressed how we are all human.  He does not think of himself as a Buddhist or His Holiness.  We are all members of a family.

He also talked about the media and how often we see negative scary things and yet in a million ways each day, we humans are kind, patient and loving.   Do we realize?

My oldest son has been hiking the AT for 6 weeks now.  It has taken a turn for me...while talking to him on the phone Wednesday I wanted to cry.   Later I realized it was this inner knowing that he has shifted, that our relationship has shifted.  Our relationship of mother and son, as it has been for a long time, is no longer.  He has passed a threshold.  I felt it.  I knew it.  I witnessed it.

It is sad and sweet.  I am happy for him, so thrilled for his young adult life starting off so beautifully.
I feel beyond fortunate and I do not take too much credit for it.   He is quite a human being and I am graced to have him for a son.

As you can tell, I am in a nice place these days.  I find even my darkest times do not last as long. I also don't freak out as much when I have them.  They are more familiar and I am slowly realizing, par for the course.

Another big change has been that I have been able to send out applications and resumes.  Where I used to be paralyzed, I am now taking slow baby steps.  4 so far and an interview this Monday for a summer job.

I am showing up more.  I have less shame.  I am more comfortable in my own skin.  I am not full of ego nor an I feeling less than others.  I'm somewhere in the middle, knowing I am one of MANY and who/what I am, is inherently good, full of grace....just like everyone and everything else.

I am outside 'my house' and enjoying it....who knew?

alone in the dark

That is where I am, literally and figuratively.  I was laying here on the loveseat, feet up on the end and the lights out..and suddenly I recall sitting in our black swivel leather chair when I was a girl.  When I was upset (I don't think I even knew to label it that!) I would sit in that chair and turn it around so it was  facing the corner.

No one could see me, I wasn't there.  I could feel numb there.  I was probably 7 or 8 years old.  Damn, that is 40 years ago.

Somethings don't change, do they?

This, after reading about impermanence today, is kind of a joke.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and beliefs.  It started with an argument over the budget.  I tried to shake it all day...just live in the moment and do what I can.  By this afternoon, I was journaling like crazy about getting outside myself, my ego, and finding a place of peace in WHAT IS.

By 6:00, I am just plain sad.  I kept feel this urge to cry.  I didn't because my 16 yr son got home from his first day of work at the farm.  I do not want to upset him.

Why am I crying anyway?  Because I am in debt $700?

Because grief comes up again and again.  I miss my sister.

 I miss having friends to go with.  I am TIRED of going it alone.

I want to eat, cry, scream, run away, die.  Not in that order.

I know enough about philosophy and life to know there is no 'poof' magic answer.

Sometimes I think I know too much and yet, I really don't know enough.

After losing my temper with my ex-spouse this morning, I judged myself harshly for not being able to stay with compassion.  I got caught up in things and I wasn't calm or kind.   I was impatient, judgmental, and blaming him for more than his fair share of the problem.   I wanted to be saved.  I am 48 and I am still looking for mommy and daddy.  Pathetic, really.

I went for a short drive and then went online and sent my resume to a job as a summer camp counselor.  Again, pathetic, but I needed to do something.  I need to step up to the plate and make money.

I am scared.  Big shit, so is everyone else, I'm sure.

Why do I baby myself?  Why do I think I should have it easy?  Sure I can think of lots of things I can say to get sympathy but the truth is I am an adult, I am not married and my sons are no longer boys.

I've been hating myself today and that doesn't do any good...for anyone!  Another miserable person in the world is not my goal.  I listen to buddhist lectures, I am reading an interesting book on dakini figures in Hinduism.   I am taking care of my health.  I take my vitamins.

Ah, I am disgusted with myself.   What am I doing?   I feel like a misfit today.  I don't belong.

I am sad.  Sad to see the truth.  Sad to realize that my old life is really gone, dead.

I feel sorry for myself and then I think of finding the peace in the moment.  I try hard to let go of my personal crappola and add more joy for the world.

It's NOT all about ME.  This is why I study...because I know life is bigger than one person.  I want to help the world, not be another downer, whiny, negative person.

How can I help others if I am all caught up in ME?

It feels like there is a net cast over me and I am struggling to break free.

What is important?  Love.  Compassion.  Can I have compassion for myself?  Can I be kind?

I feel the urge to beat the hell out of myself.  That is not going to help me or anyone/anything else.

There is no running away.  There is no disappearing act.

Where is the peace in this?   There is always peace/love...yet all I sense is darkness.

I know there is more.  I can't see.  I can't see.  It's dark and all I feel is sad.   Sadness in the dark, so no one can see me.  So no one can take it away.  So no one can tell me I can't feel sad.

I'm still hiding.  I am still such a child.

'I am a reflection...

and there is nothing to grasp.'

I wrote that earlier this evening while feeling all mushy about a buddhist article I just read.

Fast forward 4 hours and I am full of worry about finances.  The bills keep rolling in and our income is dropping fast.  I feel the terror wanting to lift its head and roar.  I also know that for this moment, this now, all is well.

It's like standing on an edge and feeling how easy it would be to fall.  All I need to do is not care and let my weight lean too much to one side.  All I need to do is not pay attention to where my feet are planted.  All I need to do is panic and freak out.

I am typing instead.  I am breathing.  I am looking at this situation and realizing I have been here many times.  I realize this is well-trafficed terrain.  I see that I know this path.  I feel the ruts under my feet.  I know where this ends up.

I don't want to do what I always do.

Deep breath.  

I am okay.    The only thing happening right now is that I can hear a truck going down the interstate.  I hear the 'tap tap tap' of my fingers on the keyboard.  I feel the cotton blanket on my feet.  I see the screen of my laptop.

Thoughts want to scream and drag me away.  I am not going.  I am not going down into that abyss.

"Where is the peace in this moment?"   "What can I learn here?"

I feel fear.
-OK.

I'm scared.
-OK

I am sitting on my love seat.  I am healthy.  My son is sleeping.  My cats are sleeping. I hear the 'click,click,click" of the wall clock.  I didn't hear it before.  I am tuned in.

It's okay.  

It's a dark night and I can't see any way out of this but I know in the morning, things will look differently.   I can figure out what bills to pay and what not to pay.  I don't know how much he'll make next week.   I don't know if I'll find a job.

I could cancel my trip and use the last of my money to pay the credit card.  I have options.

This is far from horrible.

I don't have to panic, worry, or freak out.  I can face the truth.  It's simply the truth.  I can do that much.

I am.
 I'm here.
I am listening.
I am paying attention.

Right now, all is well.

Let me stay here.  Any place else is a lie.

I'll stick with the truth.  For now...