breathing room

I've had nightmares twice in the past 3 days.  Monday morning it took me over 2 hours to wiggle out of the feelings I had clinging to me since waking up.

This morning, a new set of dreams with the same dreaded feelings.

I went on 2 job interviews Monday.  There was a job I wanted and then another job that made the first job look pathetic.

I was prepared for the 'a' interview and figured I'd just swing it for the 'b' interview.

Well, the 'b' interview went excellent and the 'a' interview was blah.

My gut told me that even though I wanted the 'a' job, the timing and interview of 'b' job felt right.

I got offered the 'b' job and the 'a' job took a pass due to the fact that I can't start asap.  ( I leave for Italy n 8 days!!)

I am glad I accepted the 'a' job without knowing for sure the 'b' job.  

It is for 6 weeks, full time at a school camp in a ritzy town.  I am sure I can do it.  I like who my supervisor is.  I think she is 20 years younger than I am. ha!

So I didn't get the job with the office in the very nice village.  I had images of me there.  I had planned on walking to the great general store for lunch.  I was feeling quiet full of pride thinking I had that job.

Not to be.

I have a summer job with kids.  This is what worked out for me.  Why the shame...embarrassment?

Maybe because I am 48 with a Masters degree and I'll be working with college students and middle school kids?

I don't know.  I am trying to let it all go and be grateful I found a job.  It was a BIG step for me.
And the job gives me something else to put on my resume.  I am lead counselor after all.  ha!

I can't believe I am leaving for Italy in 8 days!!!!!   The time is flying.  I've started making some plans.  I told the bank, so I can use my debit card.  I wrote out bills and deposit slips for my son to take care of things while I am gone.

I am leaving my 16 yr old home.  His father lives on the other side of the house.  Gulp. I am so used to being in charge and being responsible for everything and everyone.  Learn to let go.

My soon to be 18 yr old is still hiking the AT in Virginia.  I spoke with him today and he sounds like he is acting like some cool hiking dude.  It might be time for him to come home.  He has a tendency to want to be an image of who he wants to be vs being himself.  This will have to be addressed before I leave on Thursday.

I am scared about the trip to Italy.  I feel as though I am tempting the fates.  I had an excellent trip in Sept last year so that means (according to my upbringing) that this trip should be a disaster.  I am aware of the fear and I keep letting it go.   So far, it keeps coming back.

Who knows what will happen?  All I know is that I was given the opportunity to go and I took it.
My mom is surprisingly helping me out financially, so this really is a miracle trip too.

I have a job set up for the day after I get home from Italy.  M-F 8:30 to 4:30.  I haven't worked full time since 1993.  Although motherhood is uber full-time.

I have mixed emotions today.

 I also finished teaching my last class.  It was an 8 week class for adults on the history of matriarchal societies (statues found from 35,000 BC) to today's patriarchal societies.  No, there was no man-bashing.  It was more about the invisible rules and hierarchies we live and participate in.  I enjoyed it.  I'll teach again in the fall about male and female mythical roles: The Hero and The Wild Woman.

I am home.  I have a summer job.  I am going to Italy for 27 days.  Life is good, although I don't see it.

See it.  I need to open my eyes and see how wonderful life is.  It is wonderful.  It is.