That is where I am, literally and figuratively. I was laying here on the loveseat, feet up on the end and the lights out..and suddenly I recall sitting in our black swivel leather chair when I was a girl. When I was upset (I don't think I even knew to label it that!) I would sit in that chair and turn it around so it was facing the corner.
No one could see me, I wasn't there. I could feel numb there. I was probably 7 or 8 years old. Damn, that is 40 years ago.
Somethings don't change, do they?
This, after reading about impermanence today, is kind of a joke.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and beliefs. It started with an argument over the budget. I tried to shake it all day...just live in the moment and do what I can. By this afternoon, I was journaling like crazy about getting outside myself, my ego, and finding a place of peace in WHAT IS.
By 6:00, I am just plain sad. I kept feel this urge to cry. I didn't because my 16 yr son got home from his first day of work at the farm. I do not want to upset him.
Why am I crying anyway? Because I am in debt $700?
Because grief comes up again and again. I miss my sister.
I miss having friends to go with. I am TIRED of going it alone.
I want to eat, cry, scream, run away, die. Not in that order.
I know enough about philosophy and life to know there is no 'poof' magic answer.
Sometimes I think I know too much and yet, I really don't know enough.
After losing my temper with my ex-spouse this morning, I judged myself harshly for not being able to stay with compassion. I got caught up in things and I wasn't calm or kind. I was impatient, judgmental, and blaming him for more than his fair share of the problem. I wanted to be saved. I am 48 and I am still looking for mommy and daddy. Pathetic, really.
I went for a short drive and then went online and sent my resume to a job as a summer camp counselor. Again, pathetic, but I needed to do something. I need to step up to the plate and make money.
I am scared. Big shit, so is everyone else, I'm sure.
Why do I baby myself? Why do I think I should have it easy? Sure I can think of lots of things I can say to get sympathy but the truth is I am an adult, I am not married and my sons are no longer boys.
I've been hating myself today and that doesn't do any good...for anyone! Another miserable person in the world is not my goal. I listen to buddhist lectures, I am reading an interesting book on dakini figures in Hinduism. I am taking care of my health. I take my vitamins.
Ah, I am disgusted with myself. What am I doing? I feel like a misfit today. I don't belong.
I am sad. Sad to see the truth. Sad to realize that my old life is really gone, dead.
I feel sorry for myself and then I think of finding the peace in the moment. I try hard to let go of my personal crappola and add more joy for the world.
It's NOT all about ME. This is why I study...because I know life is bigger than one person. I want to help the world, not be another downer, whiny, negative person.
How can I help others if I am all caught up in ME?
It feels like there is a net cast over me and I am struggling to break free.
What is important? Love. Compassion. Can I have compassion for myself? Can I be kind?
I feel the urge to beat the hell out of myself. That is not going to help me or anyone/anything else.
There is no running away. There is no disappearing act.
Where is the peace in this? There is always peace/love...yet all I sense is darkness.
I know there is more. I can't see. I can't see. It's dark and all I feel is sad. Sadness in the dark, so no one can see me. So no one can take it away. So no one can tell me I can't feel sad.
I'm still hiding. I am still such a child.
No comments:
Post a Comment