'I am a reflection...

and there is nothing to grasp.'

I wrote that earlier this evening while feeling all mushy about a buddhist article I just read.

Fast forward 4 hours and I am full of worry about finances.  The bills keep rolling in and our income is dropping fast.  I feel the terror wanting to lift its head and roar.  I also know that for this moment, this now, all is well.

It's like standing on an edge and feeling how easy it would be to fall.  All I need to do is not care and let my weight lean too much to one side.  All I need to do is not pay attention to where my feet are planted.  All I need to do is panic and freak out.

I am typing instead.  I am breathing.  I am looking at this situation and realizing I have been here many times.  I realize this is well-trafficed terrain.  I see that I know this path.  I feel the ruts under my feet.  I know where this ends up.

I don't want to do what I always do.

Deep breath.  

I am okay.    The only thing happening right now is that I can hear a truck going down the interstate.  I hear the 'tap tap tap' of my fingers on the keyboard.  I feel the cotton blanket on my feet.  I see the screen of my laptop.

Thoughts want to scream and drag me away.  I am not going.  I am not going down into that abyss.

"Where is the peace in this moment?"   "What can I learn here?"

I feel fear.
-OK.

I'm scared.
-OK

I am sitting on my love seat.  I am healthy.  My son is sleeping.  My cats are sleeping. I hear the 'click,click,click" of the wall clock.  I didn't hear it before.  I am tuned in.

It's okay.  

It's a dark night and I can't see any way out of this but I know in the morning, things will look differently.   I can figure out what bills to pay and what not to pay.  I don't know how much he'll make next week.   I don't know if I'll find a job.

I could cancel my trip and use the last of my money to pay the credit card.  I have options.

This is far from horrible.

I don't have to panic, worry, or freak out.  I can face the truth.  It's simply the truth.  I can do that much.

I am.
 I'm here.
I am listening.
I am paying attention.

Right now, all is well.

Let me stay here.  Any place else is a lie.

I'll stick with the truth.  For now...