where's the sun?

We have had a very poor spring in these parts...but the past 3 days have been sunny!  About 3 hours ago the clouds rolled in and it is COLD, the air temperature just will not spring-up!

I am tired of cold.  We get such a short spring anyway.

I got home from Long Island late Thursday and I can't remember a time when I was so happy to be home.  I did chores all day Friday with glee and a sense of gratitude.

It was clear how different my lifestyle here is compared to how I grew up.

I have been unexpectedly content since my return.

I am also continuing to listen to a lecture series by Bob Thurman that is helpig me in ways that I didn't know I needed.

This might sound depressing but by changing the focus off  of 'me' and onto the bigger picture of everything, there I find peace.  It is such a paradox AND true.

I have focused on me for as long as I can remember...trying to be better, to get people to love me, to FIX myself.  I have been addicted to ME and I never noticed it.  I have been telling myself how much work I need, how I should be nicer, smarter, prettier, thinner, happier.  UGH when does it end?

I am NOT the center of the world nor am I the center of myself anymore.  Yee ha, what a relief.

When I consider where and when I feel most alive, when I feel peace... (teaching, dancing, running, being at the  beach) there is a common theme: I am NOT self-conscious and I have no picture in my mind of who I am.  There is no mirror image.  It's as though I am not there, yet I am more 'me'  than ever.  So by leaving 'ME'  I experience me??  Or is is that this is LIFE?  Is life me-free?  Is this is the case for everyone?

Are we all stuck in our mirror image of self?
Today after my morning run, I got a great cup of coffee at our village store and walked down our tiny main street, behind the church and looked out at the WHite Mountains of NH.  Below the hill I was standing on is the CT river.

It was one of those 'aha' moments.  I said to myself, this is heaven...what I see, what I hear, what I feel, what I taste, what I smell.  THIS IS IT and it always available.

Yup, one of those days.   Om.....        :)  

Going home again...not easy.

I've been on Long Island for 6 days.  Yesterday, it got difficult.  There were things going on that I did not want to see or admit to...my mother's behavior.  It's so cliche that I don't even want to write about it.

Several things happened yesterday that I am not sure that I would have even noticed except my 16 year old son was with me and it was so apparent not even I could deny it.

The biggest part of this was the memory of how my life was when I was growing up.  By last night I kept thinking "How did I ever survive living like this?"

I couldn't sleep.  By 2am I was all wound up.  My head was wide awake.

The main feeling I had was shock.  Is this really what she does?  What do I normally do...ignore her?

I didn't wnat to feel what I was feeling.  I didn't want to know what I knew.

I laid on the couch in the dark just letting the truth wash over me.   I promised myself I would go for a run in the morning.  I finally drifted off around 3am.

I woke up around 8 and headed out to run.  It is unusually cold here, about 20 degrees cooler.  It's cloudy and damp.  I ran anyway.   It felt good.

I did my little mantras as I ran.  I spoke to myself aloud "Hey you...I choose to live in peace today, to be happy."  It helped.

I've been with my mother all day.  It's much better than yesterday.  She is much less gloomy and passive-agressive.  

I am handling it like I did yesterday...by asking myself in difficult  situations 'Where is the peace here?"

My son was very surprised at how calm I was yesterday, especially since it was my birthday.

My mother often gives mixed messages.  She'll tell me how much she loves me and then treat me poorly.  It's never clear cut, she acts it out.  My son asked me several times yesterday "What is wrong with Nannie?"  I smiled and said "Nothing, this is what she does sometimes."

I don't think she is conscious of it.  I told my son that too.

The hard part for me was last night after she and my son were asleep.  It hit me then, this trip down memory lane.  My difficult childhood was alive and well last night...and it scared the shit out of me.

I knew that things were different.  I am not 8 any more.  I handled yesterday with grace.  I didn't lost myself.  But it also took a toll on me.

Running was a big help.  It 'my thing'.  I've been happy today.  I am not going to NOT be happy because she is not.  We are not the same person.  Most importantly, I don't have to be LESS than to make her, or anyone else, feel oaky about themselves.

I am 48, not 75.  I can run 2 miles, she doesn't.  I eat organic food.  Who I am and what I do are OKAY.  Loving someone doesn't mean you deny who you are so they feel better.  That is insane.  THAT is how I spent my the first 20 years of my life.  The next 20 were spent doing that with my husband.

No more.

Love doesn't mean being nobody.  Love doesn't mean making yourself smaller.

 Love today means truth.   I can see the truth and let it be.

Being.   :)

 

Boston sad...

I wondered why I seemed blue today...then turned on the car radio and heard an update on the Boston Marathon bombing.

What to do with the feelings of helplessness?

I heard an 8 year old child died.  Heartache.

The child was there watching his dad run the race.  Oh my, how can those parents deal with this?

I sent out prayers, I spoke aloud to the universe hoping that my compassion is of help to them...to someone.

I don't know who did the bombing or why.  Whatever their message or intent, innocent people lost their lives.  Blood is on their hands.

I've been to a few runs in the past 2 years and the atmosphere is always upbeat and kind.  People are cheering for the runners, family members look on in pride.  It is often a magical experience.  The last think anyone is expecting is a bombing.


Again, I am not sure what to do with my feelings.  I don't want to get caught up in hatred and fear, that will get me nowhere.

Look where those types of feelings get people...often to act out violently.

So I will stay with the sadness and continue to send out my compassion and kindness to people I have never met, but we know each other, we are a human family after all.

an anchored buoy

Yep, that is what I have become...motherhood these days is about staying anchored so my children have a reference point as they travel in deeper waters.

My oldest (17) has been gone for a bit over 3 weeks.  He loves hiking the AT and doesn't sound like he is in any rush to come home.  If he continues (as originally planned) to head north to Maine, I won't see him for 3 more months.

My youngest (16) is now driving and will soon be working full time, plus working on his G.E.D.

What am I doing?

I am teaching a course at Dartmouth's ILEAD program. (a volunteer position)
I am researching medical information to help deal with my illness.
I go to therapy.
I go to meditation.
I take care of the house.
I did the taxes a few days ago.

Last night, while my son was out helping with our town's Green-up Day event, I was home alone for 5 hours.  That is when I felt this "I am a buoy" notion.  It feels right.  I bob up and down in the water, anchored deep into the ground.  I need to be here so they have someone to come home to, someone to look at so they can figure our where they are.

It is an important part of parenting and one that I can see, most people would rather skip.  Children don't grow in a linear line.  They spiral forwards and backwards.

I feel like I want to cut all ties with them sometimes.  "Bon voyage and good luck!"  But I know too much about psychological development to let them go so dramatically.  They need to cut the ties with me, that's when I will know.

Sure, there are times when parents have to do the cutting, but that is when the child is not progressing.  I don't see that happening with my two sons.  They keep reaching out toward adulthood, not hiding into the folds of childhood.

There are so many levels to mothering.  Looking back, when they were infants, that was the easiest.
Minimal options: feed them, change them, rock them.

It gets more and more complicated from there.

Adolescence is difficult because they often ACT grown up, act like the person they imagine themselves to be.  But it is the parent's job to hold their feet to the earth and make sure they stay within the realms of reality.  I am the counter-weight to all their hormone-induced energy.

Like all things, balance is the key.  The middle way, as it is often talked about in Buddhism.

I am feeling so bored with this buoy job.  Being a single parent makes it harder, as there isn't another adult to talk to about all this.

I am ambivalent.  I do not like this position.  I know I am needed and yet I want to be done.
I want them to be finished!!  Grow up so I can be free.  Yet, I am ambivalent about my life too.
I know what motherhood is about, it is known.  What does being a single woman mean these days?
That is unknown.  Should I stay or should I go?

What will I be when I grow up?

I dont know why I never realized that motherhood is not a tenured position.

I need someone to be my buoy.

My fear is this:
I have to be my own buoy.  I am not sure I know how.  I am so focused on my sons live decisions that I have failed to make my own safe path through the waters.

I feel seasick.

seeking what?

For the past 2 days I have been wondering what this 'seeker's life' is all about.

When I look back over my life the theme of "seeking" is always present.  I have been working on myself to make sense of my upbringing (alcoholic home, etc.) my depressions, other people's behavior's and what the purpose of life is.

I have been climbing round and round this spiral, moving forward, learning and feeling less suffering in my life.  But is this all about me?

Has my purpose to understand my pain and shortcomings just been a way to realize that it isn't all about me?

For the past 2 years I have thought more and more about how important it is that what I do, be of benefit to others.  I was slowly realizing that just trying to grab some happiness for me wasn't going to do it anymore.  I also realized I didn't want as much as I once thought I did.

Someone asked me the other day what my goals were, short range, long range.  For short range, I wrote  that health was most important.  I continue to try and find natural ways to heal my body.

My long range goal was to find a way to do something I love so I can live simply and benefit others.

The new idea that is floating around me and in me of late is this:  It's not enough to just take what I want and be satisfied,  how do I put myself into accord with what is best for all?  I don't know 'all'?

I feel as though I am in the pitch black and am supposed to know where I am going.  I don't.

I ran this morning (my run day was yesterday but both knees were aching) and 2/3 through I could feel a slight buckle in my right knee.  I prayed "Please let me run, please let me find a way to make my knee stronger."

Why does running mean so much to me??!!   Me, no athlete.  Me, still overweight.

I feel alive when I run, alive.

Where else do I feel alive or why am feeling so dead everywhere else?   Wow those are not easy to answer.

I keep hearing this mantra in my head "It's time to leave. It's time to leave"  I don't know what exactly is going on.

I leave for Italy in 6 weeks.  I am still numb about it.  Where is my joy??

What am I supposed to be doing?  Am I in accord with nature?  Should I be in accord with myself?
Should I just look to others and try to help them?  (been there, done that)

I don't know.

What I have been seeking my whole life is a perfected version of me.  I have always thought that there was something wrong with me and I need to fix myself up.  I have put a lot of time and effort into making myself well.  But the closer I get, the more the goal changes.

It's as though I have been building a structure for 30 years only to find that I cannot take it with me on the journey, I have to leave it behind. ..or I can stay with it and rot away.

How to let go?  What am I letting go?  Am I letting go or something letting go of me?

"Let go or be dragged" is printed on a magnet on my fridge.

 I don't want to do either, but of course it doesn't matter what I want...or does it?

windy day

My old set of friends (some of them) are in a band and I went to see them last night.  I was able to be myself all night.  I drank water, chatted a bit, and danced by myself most of the night. There were about 6 of us at a table up front, so I just danced near our table and the wall. 

That's me, I LOVE to dance.  I held nothing back and just did my thing.

2 friends told me how wonderful I looked.  That was nice to hear.  I felt good, maybe that was why.

I danced almost every song. I enjoyed myself and not caring what anyone else thinks about it. Life to too short for that worry anymore. I was proud of myself for kicking back and being me.

Funny how much intimate stuff we know about each other yet we were all socially nice.  I've changed and it is okay.  The world didn't stop revolving.  We all shared a laugh or 2, it was a nice evening. I see that they are all doing their thing too.  I don't have to judge everything. It's their life and I have mine too.

Today I was thinking about moving out of my house. On a deep level I know that is the next step...well AFTER I find a job.

It is very windy today but I went outside and walked on the grass barefoot, it felt grounding to feel the earth.

I sit here in this house that I was happy to own, to fix up, to clean, to care for. It feels sad to start to seriously ponder letting it go.

Things change. The things that I worked so hard to achieve are now things that are almost obstacles to growing up. I'd like to think that I am always evolving...or trying to anyway.

I knew when I came back from Italy that I do better in a village setting. I like being able to walk to things. I like hanging in a cafe or seeing a live concert or play. I like waking up and heading out the door to do something.

Living on this hill have wonderful qualities to it, but my nature is more in tune with a village life. This is the truth and I know it. Yes, I love to be home and quiet too, but it does not outweigh the basic truth of my personality and what I need. A sense of community is nice. I lived that way in grad school in Newport RI. I lived that way on Long Island in Northport when I was 19 and 20 too.

I can feel the detachment happening. It's such a mixture of feelings.

GEE WHIZ...the wind is crazy today!!! It sounds as though the house will blow away.

Well, that would be good. I'd get insurance money and then could go live in a village. ha ha

Things change eh? One day I have my boys, they traveling with me everywhere and then 'poof' those days are gone.

I have choices now and I don't want to be like my ex-husband, so afraid of change. I spoke with him yesterday. He is so defeated. It hurts me to see him like that but what can I do?

I know he is afraid. He's getting older too and his body hurts and he wonders how long he can continue working so hard.  My heart breaks.  I tell him honestly how appreciative I am of all he does, how proud he should be that he takes care of the family.  I tell him I am sorry I couldn't stay married, I am sorry he is so unhappy.

He needs to be with someone. He's that kind of guy, he'd do better with someone to care for, to give him direction or grounding or something. Even when the marriage was at its worst, I think he was happier than he is now.

He is afraid of getting older, of not being able to pay the bills.

I am afraid of getting into the workforce. Simple as that. 

As much as I love being single, I am still living off his paycheck.  I am still a housewife.   

It is easy to see what he needs to do.  It harder to see what I need to do.  But the time is coming and quick.  I need to find employment.  We need the money for bills and I need to grow up so I can venture out on my own.

No more playing house.  I didn't realize how lucky I was all these years to have time to do what I wanted. I didn't have a boss or to have to punch a time card.

As I prepare my sons for maturity and independence, I realize that I am having to do the same.

My years as wife, mother, homeschooler and housekeeper are over...over. Gosh, where did time go?

Another little death.  I feel sad.  I feel grief.  I can't imagine it any other way but I am beginning to try.  

unbelievable

Sometimes that is how life feels, "Unbelievable!!"

I am sitting here after going 12 rounds with my 16 yr old son.
What I want to scream at him is this:

"Wake the hell up and stop pretending to be someone you are not. Do you realize how much of my life I have poured into you so you can have a good life?  How can you be so blind?  So stupid?  So ungrateful? You are a royal pain in the ass.  Fine, go mess up your life.  I want to leave."

I know I expect a lot from my kids, but what should I do...expect nothing?  Or like so many parents I know just let them screw up their life and say, "Well they have to learn sometime."

My son thinks acting like your 25 means you are 25.  I don't have the patience for it today.

I should of told him we would discuss it tomorrow.  I didn't.  So round and round we went.  I got more frustrated and he felt bad for upsetting me.  A lose-lose situation.

Earlier today at meditation (yes, I actually meditated today) I started crying. I mean a "body vibrating" silent cry.  It washed over me for about 5 minutes.  It was embarrassing, to say the least.  Of course people told me how courageous I was, how vulnerable.  I wanted to disappear from the room.

I got extra hugs as I left.  They are kind people but I felt like I told them all a deep secret.
Maybe I did.   "I'm scared.  I hurt."  That was the thought/feeling I had.

I feel very chaotic right now.  You know that place you get to when you've teased a subject so much that now you have to blow-up to release all the tension?  I would love to throw something or wreck this room or punch my hand into the wall.  All this energy is like a pressure cooker.

So what did I do?  I got quiet.  I looked at the floor and said nothing.  I was a mute.  I zoned out.

I told my son to go to bed.  

I sit here wondering how the hell all this happened.  Yes, he broke a rule and yes, I gave him a consequence.  The rest of it was from me having an inner tantrum, screaming "I don't want this to be happening."

I wanted a calm evening.  I blamed him for ruining it.   Who is the child here?

Single parenthood is a hard line to tow.   There are no other adults around to bounce off of when you need it.

The night is over.  I didn't get to relax.

I didn't want to be a mother tonight.  I wanted to just be me.  Nope.

I don't know about other people, but I can't think of a more difficult life choice than parenthood.
I am ashamed that I find it so difficult and all consuming.  I wish I was a natural.  I am not.

Teaching my kids values, ethics. to question things, awareness, choices...when does it end?
Who wants their kids to lose a sense of who they are?

Yes, I remember being 16.  I know, I know.  

I am 47 and sitting on a couch, typing.   I feel such a sense of living in a prison.  I want out but  I will do what is best for the boys.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.  But it is getting harder as there is a part of me that wants to tell them that my time is up, I am soon to be paroled.

It is time for them to assume responsibility.

I'm tired...so tired I fell apart in front of 14 other people tonight.  I didn't know how much I have been hiding.  I've been hiding from myself.  What do  I do now?   Go to bed and try again tomorrow.  
 

rainy days and Mondays..

I've been pushing through the day.  I feel as though I am under water...pressure.  I am doing what needs to be done: driving my son to the dentist, food shopping, cleaned the oven, baked some butternut squash and carrots, steamed up some apples.   I don't feel like me.  I am lost.

My oldest son called from GA and it was wonderful hearing his voice.  He is enjoying the AT.  He has a bit of a cold but is doing well. He is hiking about 16 miles a day.

Home life is still off balance, but I know that time to smooth things out.

I had 4 intense dreams last night and early this morning.  I wrote them down they were so movie-like.

I canceled some appointments this week.  I need time to chill out.  I am not sure what is going on physically but rest can't hurt.  I am messing with my foods again too.  I hope to find a path that decreases the pain.

I do not want to see any dr right now.  I jump on that merry-go-round and life seems to spin faster.
I am not sure how it is for other people, but I find I need to search for the answers for myself.

Chronic illness is a horse of another color and my experience at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Hospital is that they don't like having to deal with grey areas.  Their first push is always meds.  Meds with side effects that can fill a page.

They think I want to take drugs.  No.  I WANT AN ANSWER.  They don't have an answer.  No one knows why these diseases begin.  It is beyond frustrating.

So I continue to putter along, trying to find my way in the dark.

I look forward to running tomorrow.  My 2 mile jog, even though it is still quite an effort, seems to be what I am living for these days.  I feel alive.  I feel whole.

I am in limbo.  I am not sure where I am heading.  What are my goals?  Where am I going?

Staying put is getting more and more uncomfortable, yet I linger because I am clueless how to take care of myself and leave.

A cocoon....that is the symbol.  I am filling out the space and it is feeling tight.  Leaving would be death, or would it?