seeking what?

For the past 2 days I have been wondering what this 'seeker's life' is all about.

When I look back over my life the theme of "seeking" is always present.  I have been working on myself to make sense of my upbringing (alcoholic home, etc.) my depressions, other people's behavior's and what the purpose of life is.

I have been climbing round and round this spiral, moving forward, learning and feeling less suffering in my life.  But is this all about me?

Has my purpose to understand my pain and shortcomings just been a way to realize that it isn't all about me?

For the past 2 years I have thought more and more about how important it is that what I do, be of benefit to others.  I was slowly realizing that just trying to grab some happiness for me wasn't going to do it anymore.  I also realized I didn't want as much as I once thought I did.

Someone asked me the other day what my goals were, short range, long range.  For short range, I wrote  that health was most important.  I continue to try and find natural ways to heal my body.

My long range goal was to find a way to do something I love so I can live simply and benefit others.

The new idea that is floating around me and in me of late is this:  It's not enough to just take what I want and be satisfied,  how do I put myself into accord with what is best for all?  I don't know 'all'?

I feel as though I am in the pitch black and am supposed to know where I am going.  I don't.

I ran this morning (my run day was yesterday but both knees were aching) and 2/3 through I could feel a slight buckle in my right knee.  I prayed "Please let me run, please let me find a way to make my knee stronger."

Why does running mean so much to me??!!   Me, no athlete.  Me, still overweight.

I feel alive when I run, alive.

Where else do I feel alive or why am feeling so dead everywhere else?   Wow those are not easy to answer.

I keep hearing this mantra in my head "It's time to leave. It's time to leave"  I don't know what exactly is going on.

I leave for Italy in 6 weeks.  I am still numb about it.  Where is my joy??

What am I supposed to be doing?  Am I in accord with nature?  Should I be in accord with myself?
Should I just look to others and try to help them?  (been there, done that)

I don't know.

What I have been seeking my whole life is a perfected version of me.  I have always thought that there was something wrong with me and I need to fix myself up.  I have put a lot of time and effort into making myself well.  But the closer I get, the more the goal changes.

It's as though I have been building a structure for 30 years only to find that I cannot take it with me on the journey, I have to leave it behind. ..or I can stay with it and rot away.

How to let go?  What am I letting go?  Am I letting go or something letting go of me?

"Let go or be dragged" is printed on a magnet on my fridge.

 I don't want to do either, but of course it doesn't matter what I want...or does it?