where's the sun?

We have had a very poor spring in these parts...but the past 3 days have been sunny!  About 3 hours ago the clouds rolled in and it is COLD, the air temperature just will not spring-up!

I am tired of cold.  We get such a short spring anyway.

I got home from Long Island late Thursday and I can't remember a time when I was so happy to be home.  I did chores all day Friday with glee and a sense of gratitude.

It was clear how different my lifestyle here is compared to how I grew up.

I have been unexpectedly content since my return.

I am also continuing to listen to a lecture series by Bob Thurman that is helpig me in ways that I didn't know I needed.

This might sound depressing but by changing the focus off  of 'me' and onto the bigger picture of everything, there I find peace.  It is such a paradox AND true.

I have focused on me for as long as I can remember...trying to be better, to get people to love me, to FIX myself.  I have been addicted to ME and I never noticed it.  I have been telling myself how much work I need, how I should be nicer, smarter, prettier, thinner, happier.  UGH when does it end?

I am NOT the center of the world nor am I the center of myself anymore.  Yee ha, what a relief.

When I consider where and when I feel most alive, when I feel peace... (teaching, dancing, running, being at the  beach) there is a common theme: I am NOT self-conscious and I have no picture in my mind of who I am.  There is no mirror image.  It's as though I am not there, yet I am more 'me'  than ever.  So by leaving 'ME'  I experience me??  Or is is that this is LIFE?  Is life me-free?  Is this is the case for everyone?

Are we all stuck in our mirror image of self?
Today after my morning run, I got a great cup of coffee at our village store and walked down our tiny main street, behind the church and looked out at the WHite Mountains of NH.  Below the hill I was standing on is the CT river.

It was one of those 'aha' moments.  I said to myself, this is heaven...what I see, what I hear, what I feel, what I taste, what I smell.  THIS IS IT and it always available.

Yup, one of those days.   Om.....        :)