an anchored buoy

Yep, that is what I have become...motherhood these days is about staying anchored so my children have a reference point as they travel in deeper waters.

My oldest (17) has been gone for a bit over 3 weeks.  He loves hiking the AT and doesn't sound like he is in any rush to come home.  If he continues (as originally planned) to head north to Maine, I won't see him for 3 more months.

My youngest (16) is now driving and will soon be working full time, plus working on his G.E.D.

What am I doing?

I am teaching a course at Dartmouth's ILEAD program. (a volunteer position)
I am researching medical information to help deal with my illness.
I go to therapy.
I go to meditation.
I take care of the house.
I did the taxes a few days ago.

Last night, while my son was out helping with our town's Green-up Day event, I was home alone for 5 hours.  That is when I felt this "I am a buoy" notion.  It feels right.  I bob up and down in the water, anchored deep into the ground.  I need to be here so they have someone to come home to, someone to look at so they can figure our where they are.

It is an important part of parenting and one that I can see, most people would rather skip.  Children don't grow in a linear line.  They spiral forwards and backwards.

I feel like I want to cut all ties with them sometimes.  "Bon voyage and good luck!"  But I know too much about psychological development to let them go so dramatically.  They need to cut the ties with me, that's when I will know.

Sure, there are times when parents have to do the cutting, but that is when the child is not progressing.  I don't see that happening with my two sons.  They keep reaching out toward adulthood, not hiding into the folds of childhood.

There are so many levels to mothering.  Looking back, when they were infants, that was the easiest.
Minimal options: feed them, change them, rock them.

It gets more and more complicated from there.

Adolescence is difficult because they often ACT grown up, act like the person they imagine themselves to be.  But it is the parent's job to hold their feet to the earth and make sure they stay within the realms of reality.  I am the counter-weight to all their hormone-induced energy.

Like all things, balance is the key.  The middle way, as it is often talked about in Buddhism.

I am feeling so bored with this buoy job.  Being a single parent makes it harder, as there isn't another adult to talk to about all this.

I am ambivalent.  I do not like this position.  I know I am needed and yet I want to be done.
I want them to be finished!!  Grow up so I can be free.  Yet, I am ambivalent about my life too.
I know what motherhood is about, it is known.  What does being a single woman mean these days?
That is unknown.  Should I stay or should I go?

What will I be when I grow up?

I dont know why I never realized that motherhood is not a tenured position.

I need someone to be my buoy.

My fear is this:
I have to be my own buoy.  I am not sure I know how.  I am so focused on my sons live decisions that I have failed to make my own safe path through the waters.

I feel seasick.