rainy days and Mondays..

I've been pushing through the day.  I feel as though I am under water...pressure.  I am doing what needs to be done: driving my son to the dentist, food shopping, cleaned the oven, baked some butternut squash and carrots, steamed up some apples.   I don't feel like me.  I am lost.

My oldest son called from GA and it was wonderful hearing his voice.  He is enjoying the AT.  He has a bit of a cold but is doing well. He is hiking about 16 miles a day.

Home life is still off balance, but I know that time to smooth things out.

I had 4 intense dreams last night and early this morning.  I wrote them down they were so movie-like.

I canceled some appointments this week.  I need time to chill out.  I am not sure what is going on physically but rest can't hurt.  I am messing with my foods again too.  I hope to find a path that decreases the pain.

I do not want to see any dr right now.  I jump on that merry-go-round and life seems to spin faster.
I am not sure how it is for other people, but I find I need to search for the answers for myself.

Chronic illness is a horse of another color and my experience at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Hospital is that they don't like having to deal with grey areas.  Their first push is always meds.  Meds with side effects that can fill a page.

They think I want to take drugs.  No.  I WANT AN ANSWER.  They don't have an answer.  No one knows why these diseases begin.  It is beyond frustrating.

So I continue to putter along, trying to find my way in the dark.

I look forward to running tomorrow.  My 2 mile jog, even though it is still quite an effort, seems to be what I am living for these days.  I feel alive.  I feel whole.

I am in limbo.  I am not sure where I am heading.  What are my goals?  Where am I going?

Staying put is getting more and more uncomfortable, yet I linger because I am clueless how to take care of myself and leave.

A cocoon....that is the symbol.  I am filling out the space and it is feeling tight.  Leaving would be death, or would it?