windy day

My old set of friends (some of them) are in a band and I went to see them last night.  I was able to be myself all night.  I drank water, chatted a bit, and danced by myself most of the night. There were about 6 of us at a table up front, so I just danced near our table and the wall. 

That's me, I LOVE to dance.  I held nothing back and just did my thing.

2 friends told me how wonderful I looked.  That was nice to hear.  I felt good, maybe that was why.

I danced almost every song. I enjoyed myself and not caring what anyone else thinks about it. Life to too short for that worry anymore. I was proud of myself for kicking back and being me.

Funny how much intimate stuff we know about each other yet we were all socially nice.  I've changed and it is okay.  The world didn't stop revolving.  We all shared a laugh or 2, it was a nice evening. I see that they are all doing their thing too.  I don't have to judge everything. It's their life and I have mine too.

Today I was thinking about moving out of my house. On a deep level I know that is the next step...well AFTER I find a job.

It is very windy today but I went outside and walked on the grass barefoot, it felt grounding to feel the earth.

I sit here in this house that I was happy to own, to fix up, to clean, to care for. It feels sad to start to seriously ponder letting it go.

Things change. The things that I worked so hard to achieve are now things that are almost obstacles to growing up. I'd like to think that I am always evolving...or trying to anyway.

I knew when I came back from Italy that I do better in a village setting. I like being able to walk to things. I like hanging in a cafe or seeing a live concert or play. I like waking up and heading out the door to do something.

Living on this hill have wonderful qualities to it, but my nature is more in tune with a village life. This is the truth and I know it. Yes, I love to be home and quiet too, but it does not outweigh the basic truth of my personality and what I need. A sense of community is nice. I lived that way in grad school in Newport RI. I lived that way on Long Island in Northport when I was 19 and 20 too.

I can feel the detachment happening. It's such a mixture of feelings.

GEE WHIZ...the wind is crazy today!!! It sounds as though the house will blow away.

Well, that would be good. I'd get insurance money and then could go live in a village. ha ha

Things change eh? One day I have my boys, they traveling with me everywhere and then 'poof' those days are gone.

I have choices now and I don't want to be like my ex-husband, so afraid of change. I spoke with him yesterday. He is so defeated. It hurts me to see him like that but what can I do?

I know he is afraid. He's getting older too and his body hurts and he wonders how long he can continue working so hard.  My heart breaks.  I tell him honestly how appreciative I am of all he does, how proud he should be that he takes care of the family.  I tell him I am sorry I couldn't stay married, I am sorry he is so unhappy.

He needs to be with someone. He's that kind of guy, he'd do better with someone to care for, to give him direction or grounding or something. Even when the marriage was at its worst, I think he was happier than he is now.

He is afraid of getting older, of not being able to pay the bills.

I am afraid of getting into the workforce. Simple as that. 

As much as I love being single, I am still living off his paycheck.  I am still a housewife.   

It is easy to see what he needs to do.  It harder to see what I need to do.  But the time is coming and quick.  I need to find employment.  We need the money for bills and I need to grow up so I can venture out on my own.

No more playing house.  I didn't realize how lucky I was all these years to have time to do what I wanted. I didn't have a boss or to have to punch a time card.

As I prepare my sons for maturity and independence, I realize that I am having to do the same.

My years as wife, mother, homeschooler and housekeeper are over...over. Gosh, where did time go?

Another little death.  I feel sad.  I feel grief.  I can't imagine it any other way but I am beginning to try.