unbelievable

Sometimes that is how life feels, "Unbelievable!!"

I am sitting here after going 12 rounds with my 16 yr old son.
What I want to scream at him is this:

"Wake the hell up and stop pretending to be someone you are not. Do you realize how much of my life I have poured into you so you can have a good life?  How can you be so blind?  So stupid?  So ungrateful? You are a royal pain in the ass.  Fine, go mess up your life.  I want to leave."

I know I expect a lot from my kids, but what should I do...expect nothing?  Or like so many parents I know just let them screw up their life and say, "Well they have to learn sometime."

My son thinks acting like your 25 means you are 25.  I don't have the patience for it today.

I should of told him we would discuss it tomorrow.  I didn't.  So round and round we went.  I got more frustrated and he felt bad for upsetting me.  A lose-lose situation.

Earlier today at meditation (yes, I actually meditated today) I started crying. I mean a "body vibrating" silent cry.  It washed over me for about 5 minutes.  It was embarrassing, to say the least.  Of course people told me how courageous I was, how vulnerable.  I wanted to disappear from the room.

I got extra hugs as I left.  They are kind people but I felt like I told them all a deep secret.
Maybe I did.   "I'm scared.  I hurt."  That was the thought/feeling I had.

I feel very chaotic right now.  You know that place you get to when you've teased a subject so much that now you have to blow-up to release all the tension?  I would love to throw something or wreck this room or punch my hand into the wall.  All this energy is like a pressure cooker.

So what did I do?  I got quiet.  I looked at the floor and said nothing.  I was a mute.  I zoned out.

I told my son to go to bed.  

I sit here wondering how the hell all this happened.  Yes, he broke a rule and yes, I gave him a consequence.  The rest of it was from me having an inner tantrum, screaming "I don't want this to be happening."

I wanted a calm evening.  I blamed him for ruining it.   Who is the child here?

Single parenthood is a hard line to tow.   There are no other adults around to bounce off of when you need it.

The night is over.  I didn't get to relax.

I didn't want to be a mother tonight.  I wanted to just be me.  Nope.

I don't know about other people, but I can't think of a more difficult life choice than parenthood.
I am ashamed that I find it so difficult and all consuming.  I wish I was a natural.  I am not.

Teaching my kids values, ethics. to question things, awareness, choices...when does it end?
Who wants their kids to lose a sense of who they are?

Yes, I remember being 16.  I know, I know.  

I am 47 and sitting on a couch, typing.   I feel such a sense of living in a prison.  I want out but  I will do what is best for the boys.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.  But it is getting harder as there is a part of me that wants to tell them that my time is up, I am soon to be paroled.

It is time for them to assume responsibility.

I'm tired...so tired I fell apart in front of 14 other people tonight.  I didn't know how much I have been hiding.  I've been hiding from myself.  What do  I do now?   Go to bed and try again tomorrow.