grace

I explained to my meditation group that I have been feeling more and more of these 'grace' moments.
I am not sure why or what has to happen for it to happen.

I wrote about it yesterday and went like this:

By grace I mean something akin to the sun.  It is always there whether I see it or not.  It is free. It is a natural state of life.  The sun shines on all, on everything.

Grace is not about some deserving halo following me around because I did something good.

Here is way of explaining it:  I have found a way out of my house, so I feel the sun more.  What that path is, I don't know, maybe being awake?  Maybe not being caught up in the day to day stuff?

In times of silence when I no longer tune into the inner dialog voices, there it is....peace, contentment.
I feel as though I don't exist and yet I feel more alive.  Such a paradox.

I watched a talk of the Dalai Lama last night.  He was speaking at a college in Oregon.  I loved it when he stressed how we are all human.  He does not think of himself as a Buddhist or His Holiness.  We are all members of a family.

He also talked about the media and how often we see negative scary things and yet in a million ways each day, we humans are kind, patient and loving.   Do we realize?

My oldest son has been hiking the AT for 6 weeks now.  It has taken a turn for me...while talking to him on the phone Wednesday I wanted to cry.   Later I realized it was this inner knowing that he has shifted, that our relationship has shifted.  Our relationship of mother and son, as it has been for a long time, is no longer.  He has passed a threshold.  I felt it.  I knew it.  I witnessed it.

It is sad and sweet.  I am happy for him, so thrilled for his young adult life starting off so beautifully.
I feel beyond fortunate and I do not take too much credit for it.   He is quite a human being and I am graced to have him for a son.

As you can tell, I am in a nice place these days.  I find even my darkest times do not last as long. I also don't freak out as much when I have them.  They are more familiar and I am slowly realizing, par for the course.

Another big change has been that I have been able to send out applications and resumes.  Where I used to be paralyzed, I am now taking slow baby steps.  4 so far and an interview this Monday for a summer job.

I am showing up more.  I have less shame.  I am more comfortable in my own skin.  I am not full of ego nor an I feeling less than others.  I'm somewhere in the middle, knowing I am one of MANY and who/what I am, is inherently good, full of grace....just like everyone and everything else.

I am outside 'my house' and enjoying it....who knew?