1,2,3,4,5,6,7...

and I am up.  I get knocked down but I always get up.

The medical saga got me down but I'm back and being proactive.

I am making some changes with food again hoping my immune system will calm down.
I asked for a 2nd opinion and will see a knee specialist in 3 weeks.  I am not laying down and waiting for the world to make everything better.  I am doing what I can to take good care of myself.

I taught my class today (on the pedagogical & psychological aspects of mythological symbols) and it felt good to be alive.  I don't have illness when I am standing in front of the room.  I lecture, answer questions, pace the floor.  Ah to being fully alive.  This is bliss.

I was glad to get home, grateful to have a warm home.  No drama here.  I look at my cat (one of three) Bellaluna and I am overwhelmed with contentment.  She is a cat I adopted from my vet's office 2 years ago on the winter solstice.  I went there to buy cat food, took one look at her and we were connected.  She was nothing special to look at just a short haired grey cat.  Our connection is beyond words, my heart opens when I look at her.  She brings me joy just by being herself.

Those are the kind of relationships I want to have, people being themselves and other people responding in a loving way.  I don't ask for much, do I?  ha!

I still don't miss my friends.  I actually thought to myself "Whew, no more crazies".  I never realized how much energy it was taking out of my life trying to keep up with their latest crisis.  I still love them, but I am glad that I untied myself from their lives.

I am still in search of someone like me. (That reeks of egotism, but its not)  Last week an acquaintance posed a question about identifying our wounds.  I didn't say much about it although several people in the group talked about what that meant for them.

On the drive home I asked myself the question and in the silence came "I've never been loved for who I am" and it hurt, because it was true.

I didn't feel pity for myself.  I wasn't angry.  I have not experienced a mature love.  I don't know if I will get an opportunity in this life but sure hope so.  I know that sometimes things don't go the way we hope, maybe love isn't in the cards for me.  Maybe Bellaluna is as good as it gets.

The more I risk, the more I live, the more I know myself.  I long for someone to share those deep parts of myself with.  I share some of it when I teach, although not in a vulnerable manner.  I share that part of myself when I dance and when I write.

I am not doing all this work so I will be appealing to some guy.  I am doing all this work in order to live, to fully embrace life and who I am and what is real.  I like me more and more.  Even alone, I can be a friend to myself.  I've been a good friend this week.  I picked myself up, looked at what I could do to help, and I am doing it.

Maybe some of us don't get a chance at mature love with another person.

I'm grateful for the cat version.  Love is love afterall.  

It seems...

there's not much out there.  That's how I feel right now.  What are people doing?  I see people shopping in town and doing the recycle/banking/post office trifecta this morning.  Is this all there is?  What am I missing?

I came up with a mantra of sorts a few weeks back, "Where is the peace, HERE?"  so rather than going off into my mind of 'what could be'  'what should be'  'what used to be'  I stay in the moment and see where the peace is.

Today I woke up feeling energy, that is a great day.  After Saturday's trifecta of chores, I wanted to go somewhere.  I live pretty much 40 minutes from anywhere.  The budget is very very tight and I already drove 100 miles yesterday going to see that unfriendly ortho doctor.

I came home and you would have thought I was in prison.  I wrote for a while and then realized I have so much freedom.  There isn't any place I have to be, I have the day open, and there isn't anything that must be done.

 What's my problem?  How is it I am missing out on this joy?  There have been many times in my life where I would have killed for a day like today and yet, I am miserable.

I think "I'm stuck here"  "I don't have the money to go drive anywhere"  "I want to go over to Dartmouth to hang out at cafe and write"   Wa wa wa...I know, I'm a big baby.

I don't want to be this way and I am this way.

I wore a knee brace for part of the day, it didn't help much.

This stuck-ness on 'how things should be' is crazy making.  So I am making my own misery.

I dragged my ass out of the house around noon, just wanting to get out of the house again.  I listened to a CD of 70's music.  I felt happy.  I bought some nice ripe organic bananas, that made me happy.  I came home...BLUNK...I felt miserable.

I ignored it and made chicken soup and banana/blueberry pie. (no sugar, no flour).  I cleaned the kitchen.  I sat on the couch and thought "why me?"

Why me.. WHY NOT?  Should someone else have pain?  Should someone else have knee problems?  Should someone feel afraid? NO, this shouldn't happen to someone else.  I wouldn't give it to anyone, no matter how much I despised them.  This is my fate.

I started this post wondering if anyone was out there, because I feel so alone.   I am not alone.  I feel alone perhaps because I keep so much of who I am locked inside of me.  I am afraid.  Like a caterpillar
who has been in a cocoon for a long time, I'm afraid to come out.  Oh sure, everyone tells you it will be grand, but I don't know.

Things can happen to a beautiful flying butterfly too, can't they?

Life scares me and yet I yearn so much to be alive.  I feel dead sometimes, living in a wasteland.  Where is the joy, the color, the newness of each moment?  It's as though I've lost my senses, I can no longer hear, see, feel, taste, smell life.

I don't know how to get out of this trap. I don't know how to get out of what I've been living in for so many years.  I don't know how to get free.  

It's a long way to Tipperary

I've had a few days to come to terms (sort of) with the newest medical news.  I am seeing a specialist tomorrow and I am looking forward to asking some questions.  I'll need a knee specialist, but for now the ortho doc I'm seeing should be fine.

Life.

I've been listening and reading to Buddhist philosophies again.  I am not a joiner in any religion, I am more of a student.  Robert Thurman's lectures have been very interesting to me.

I am struggling with what this life (my life) is all about.  I know that into every life there is pain.  I don't know what to do with mine right now.  It feels too big for me. I know in time this won't seem so bad.  Time does have a way of erasing the hard lines of a crisis.

I often think back to when my sister Kathy died in 2001 and wonder how the hell I made it through.  If I can do that, I can do this.  I wish she were still alive as she would be the one I would talk to about these things, she was someone I could count on.

I don't have anyone in my life like that anymore.  I suppose I am the person I lean on now.  In some ways that is a good thing, but in another it is lonely.  It's hard to admit, it's hard to type...that I long for a  companion.  Yes, companion is the right word.

At a meeting the other night the topic was brought up about "Where is your wound?"  meaning where in your life do you feel stuck, where is there a story that you are still playing out.  I decided to think about it, to discuss next week.  On the drive home it came to me so clearly, my wound is that I have never felt loved, loved for who I am.

First off, no one would have been able to love me as I am since I didn't know who the hell I was until recently.  As a child, my sister Kathy loved me, although as we got older it was clear that the way I thought (asking deeper questions about life, etc.) didn't appeal to her.  "You hurt my head" she would say with a smile when I would pose philosophical questions to her.

As for my parents, I do not recall them taking the time to get to know me.  I was the 5th and last child.
They separated when I was 10, divorced when I was 12.  I always thought there was something wrong with me because I loved them very much, but they seems annoyed at having a child.

I'm no longer angry at my parents.  Being a parent myself I realize how difficult a task it is.  I have done much better than they did, so at least I have not passed on the poor parenting skills gene.  ha!

How do I live?  How do I love?  I don't feel fully alive.  I am holding back.  Why?  I am afraid.
Afraid of truly embracing life and making the best out of what I have.  What's wrong with that?
I don't know anyone who is doing it.

Is it okay to break free from expected roles? I don't mean anything crazy, just really enjoying life while we have it.  No longer waiting.  Jumping in with both feet.  Giggling.   Not hiding.  NO bargaining with yourself (If I do this, than I can have that).

I am afraid.  This wide-spectrum constant drone of fear permeates my life.

What is I just decided to be happy?  No matter what happened, I would accept it and know that under it all is happiness.  I am alive.  I have a life.  I CAN walk, talk, make dinner, type, teach, shower, think...on and on it goes.

I am not stuck, I am not being punished, I didn't do anything wrong.

I am alone because I left relationships that weren't healthy for me anymore.  I have not regretted leaving any of them.  Leaving them was a coming home to me.

Tonight a bunch of my friends are getting together at a restaurant about 20 minutes from my house.  I backed out of it weeks ago.  It was the right thing to do.  I wish them well.  I am sure they are having a grand evening.  I need to not be there.  I don't know why, I just know it is true.

I am taking care of myself.  Tomorrow I will take care of myself with the doctor.  I have my questions and I'll be pushing to see when I can run again.  Perhaps focusing on what I can do so I can run again will be what helps me through this time.

I am afraid.  I am very afraid, but on I go.    


  

my words

I was reading and editing my Italy notes this evening and I came across something that touched me.
I am still quite shocked that I wrote it.  It is from the last days in Italy and I was talking about change and who I am:

"I have been silent through these transfigurations.
Silent, like dawn spreading on a mountain."

I was moved by this.  I don't know what it means and yet I do.

My life has never been the same since Italy.  I see now how these past 4 months have been rooted in that experience.  The changes I have made, the courage, the letting go, the awareness, these took root in Italy.  When I was able to step out of life, out of what was expected of me (by me and others) I found a source of energy(?) of contentment, that I keep walking towards, however I can.

I am continuing to show up and walk through fear doors.  Sure, I fall down, cry and hide in bed sometimes, but I go on.

I don't even know where I am going.

I had the MRI yesterday.  They put headphones on me and told me I could choose the music. I chose classical.  I could still hear the banging of the machine, but many times I was able to focus in on the music.  It was beautiful.

Where we put our focus, we do have some say in that matter.  I didn't focus on being ill or having to have another test.  There was peace in the chaos and I grabbed unto that, while I could.

I don't know what they will find.  The technician let it 'slip' that the lesion looked like an old injury.  I was grateful for that information. (I broke my leg when I was 5) It also leaves me with the knowledge that chances are my knee joint is breaking down, like so many of my joints.  I don't want that information.

Today as been a day of catching up on small things.  I chopped up the left over chicken and made curry chicken salad.  I finally got the sewing box down and sewed up those 3 cat-nail rips in my down comforter. (I have white down floating in my room every night) I put away that large pile of cleans clothes on my bedroom bay window.

I don't know what I'll find out about my knee, about my illness but I see that I am able to roll with the waves.  Given enough time, I get there....like the dawn on a mountain.  I love that image.    

now what?

I found out yesterday that my knee x-ray was abnormal (there's a lesion) so I am going for my MRI tomorrow.  I've been down this road before...many times before actually.

A symptom, a test, an abnormal result, the silent fear of cancer, more tests, a specialist, finding out it's a manifestation of my main illness, there is nothing we can do to it, and it hurts but hey, it's not cancer...life goes on.

My sons were out for the evening and I realized that I honestly wish it is cancer.  The idea that there would be a finish line to all of this was very attractive.  I know, I know, that isn't supposed to be what I feel and think, but I do.  I can be honest with myself.

It didn't come from a place of depression or anxiety or feeling sorry for myself. It came from my heart.
I'm tired on a very deep level and my body is deteriorating anyway.  I would rather have it happen quickly than to drag this out.

Whatever is, is.  It doesn't matter what I want and I will do what needs to be done to continue taking care of myself.

I am trying a new improv dance class at the college tonight.  I am sent in my course description for the women's retreat I want to teach in April.  I invited an acquaintance to the new women's circle I started.
I am still embracing life.

I have 4 more classes to teach at the college.  I am on campus doing some prep work for Wednesday's class.

I am still surprised how much relief and freedom I feel after ending my closest friendship 2 weeks ago.  How is if I feel as though I have gained from it rather than lost.  I also have not run into them in town.
I am not hiding out either.  It's been seamless.

Driving down here today (everything is a 30-45 minute drive from where I live) I was wondering why I feel so unconnected to most people.  Maybe no one feel connected?  Why do I assume I am supposed to feel connected.

I feel connected to me and that has taken a LONG time.  Perhaps that has to come first?  Once we connect to ourselves we can, in a healthy way, connect to others.

We'll see, this is all new for me and that is a good thing.

mixed precipitation

It was slow going this morning in VT with an inch of snow/slush and light snow at 8am.
I was heading to the women's center to talk to the director about teaching a workshop in the spring.
It went well.  She said near the end quite spontaneously, "I like you".  I think it is safe to assume the interview went well.

I left feeling on top of the world.  "Look what I did?"  I told myself proudly.  I took myself out to breakfast and enjoyed my company.

Later, I taught my 2 hr course on symbology/mythology/philosophy/psychology.  During the lecture, I lost myself twice, I just completely lost where I was going with something. Standing in front of 14 adults, these 3 or 4 seconds of silence feel like an eternity.

I was tired...the knee hurts, my body hurts.

The drive home was messy and mushy.  The roads are a mess and it was 5pm.  I am not used to driving during these hours.  I hated it, even in this rural area.

I felt down all afternoon, blah, uninspired.  What happened to that morning high?

I feel confused.  Good things are happening and all I can think about is how I am going to make it physically.

Is this all there is?  Is life a series of little sporadic things...happy here, sad there, pain here, no pain there?

The in-betweens seem so lifeless.  What's wrong with me?  I feel like an alien.  Does anyone else feel as though they are trapped in artificial habitat?  You know like those arctic looking areas for the polar bears at the zoo?

I once saw at a zoo a polar bear who walked forward and backward through an opening in a 'igloo'.  Back and forth he went, not even turning around, just walking backwards.  It looked like a loop in a film.  I watched him do it for 10 minutes. It was painful for me.  I think it was painful for him.

He had nothing else to do. He was stuck in this loop of behavior.  The environment was not stimulating him and needs were not being met.  Sure, he had water, food, shelter, medical care...but he wasn't being fed.  His soul was not being nourished.

This is how I feel.  I have water, food, shelter, medical care...but I feel empty.

How do I feed myself?  What do I need?  I don't know.

I don't want to find myself walking forward and backward,  living in a loop of steps that I have taken so many times before.

How to live, to feel alive, to experience the vitality of life..to feel the vitality of me?

It's been a slushy day today, inside and out.  A bit of everything, here and there.  There are no answers but I am getting clearer and clearer about what I don't want and that has to count for something.

And so it begins...

A new chapter of my life.  I want to thank the woman who suggested that I start a new blog as my original blog started in Italy and was about my month there.

 I also want to thank the 2 others who emailed about their experience reading my blog.  I was touched by your words, thank you.

It's after 1am and I have a job interview at 9am. I need to leave the house by 8.  I am teaching my mythology course from 12-2. I have a med appt at 3.  It will be a long day.

I should be in bed.  I'm not.

I have wanted to start a women's group for several months now.  It started tonight.  A woman I know a little was interested as well, so we met tonight with 2 of her friends.  We are all middle aged and mothers.  We are all looking for a place to be real and to feel comfortable.  We chatted and ate some homemade quash soup, and sat by the wood stove.

We'll meet on Tuesday evenings for the next 2 months.  It's happening.  One of the ladies called it a circle of women, so that is the name.  It's not about being angry or being a victim, this group about having a place to be ourselves, outside the many roles we play.

I hope it ends up being a place where we all find parts of ourselves we have forgotten about, a way to our genuine selves, a place to remember and also a place to make new plans.

I went for xrays tonight for my knee. It seems I can't get the MRI until I do.  Insurance companies!! Grrr..
I won't know what is wrong until I get the MRI.  No running for a while...THAT hurts, there goes my joy.

Even my doctor today shook her head at me in some form of pity and said, "I don't know what to say Patty."    I said "Hey, it's my life" and I felt shame because it was obvious how much crap I have been dealing with the past 2 years.

My 17 yr old son cried tonight.  He broke down crying after I insisted he tell me why he was in such a bad mood.  He sat next to me, I hugged him, and he said "I feel bad you're in pain and there's nothing I can do about it."  I reassured him that he does help by taking care of himself and following his dreams to hike the AT.  He's a beautiful child, inside and out.  He tends to hide his emotions so this was a courageous step for him, to be seen.

I don't know how I will deal with my knee, the pain, the illness, my boys growing up...but tonight I see how fortunate I am, all I have.  I go to bed with a grateful heart and will face tomorrow, tomorrow.

Sweet dreams to all.