my words

I was reading and editing my Italy notes this evening and I came across something that touched me.
I am still quite shocked that I wrote it.  It is from the last days in Italy and I was talking about change and who I am:

"I have been silent through these transfigurations.
Silent, like dawn spreading on a mountain."

I was moved by this.  I don't know what it means and yet I do.

My life has never been the same since Italy.  I see now how these past 4 months have been rooted in that experience.  The changes I have made, the courage, the letting go, the awareness, these took root in Italy.  When I was able to step out of life, out of what was expected of me (by me and others) I found a source of energy(?) of contentment, that I keep walking towards, however I can.

I am continuing to show up and walk through fear doors.  Sure, I fall down, cry and hide in bed sometimes, but I go on.

I don't even know where I am going.

I had the MRI yesterday.  They put headphones on me and told me I could choose the music. I chose classical.  I could still hear the banging of the machine, but many times I was able to focus in on the music.  It was beautiful.

Where we put our focus, we do have some say in that matter.  I didn't focus on being ill or having to have another test.  There was peace in the chaos and I grabbed unto that, while I could.

I don't know what they will find.  The technician let it 'slip' that the lesion looked like an old injury.  I was grateful for that information. (I broke my leg when I was 5) It also leaves me with the knowledge that chances are my knee joint is breaking down, like so many of my joints.  I don't want that information.

Today as been a day of catching up on small things.  I chopped up the left over chicken and made curry chicken salad.  I finally got the sewing box down and sewed up those 3 cat-nail rips in my down comforter. (I have white down floating in my room every night) I put away that large pile of cleans clothes on my bedroom bay window.

I don't know what I'll find out about my knee, about my illness but I see that I am able to roll with the waves.  Given enough time, I get there....like the dawn on a mountain.  I love that image.