now what?

I found out yesterday that my knee x-ray was abnormal (there's a lesion) so I am going for my MRI tomorrow.  I've been down this road before...many times before actually.

A symptom, a test, an abnormal result, the silent fear of cancer, more tests, a specialist, finding out it's a manifestation of my main illness, there is nothing we can do to it, and it hurts but hey, it's not cancer...life goes on.

My sons were out for the evening and I realized that I honestly wish it is cancer.  The idea that there would be a finish line to all of this was very attractive.  I know, I know, that isn't supposed to be what I feel and think, but I do.  I can be honest with myself.

It didn't come from a place of depression or anxiety or feeling sorry for myself. It came from my heart.
I'm tired on a very deep level and my body is deteriorating anyway.  I would rather have it happen quickly than to drag this out.

Whatever is, is.  It doesn't matter what I want and I will do what needs to be done to continue taking care of myself.

I am trying a new improv dance class at the college tonight.  I am sent in my course description for the women's retreat I want to teach in April.  I invited an acquaintance to the new women's circle I started.
I am still embracing life.

I have 4 more classes to teach at the college.  I am on campus doing some prep work for Wednesday's class.

I am still surprised how much relief and freedom I feel after ending my closest friendship 2 weeks ago.  How is if I feel as though I have gained from it rather than lost.  I also have not run into them in town.
I am not hiding out either.  It's been seamless.

Driving down here today (everything is a 30-45 minute drive from where I live) I was wondering why I feel so unconnected to most people.  Maybe no one feel connected?  Why do I assume I am supposed to feel connected.

I feel connected to me and that has taken a LONG time.  Perhaps that has to come first?  Once we connect to ourselves we can, in a healthy way, connect to others.

We'll see, this is all new for me and that is a good thing.