I've had a few days to come to terms (sort of) with the newest medical news. I am seeing a specialist tomorrow and I am looking forward to asking some questions. I'll need a knee specialist, but for now the ortho doc I'm seeing should be fine.
Life.
I've been listening and reading to Buddhist philosophies again. I am not a joiner in any religion, I am more of a student. Robert Thurman's lectures have been very interesting to me.
I am struggling with what this life (my life) is all about. I know that into every life there is pain. I don't know what to do with mine right now. It feels too big for me. I know in time this won't seem so bad. Time does have a way of erasing the hard lines of a crisis.
I often think back to when my sister Kathy died in 2001 and wonder how the hell I made it through. If I can do that, I can do this. I wish she were still alive as she would be the one I would talk to about these things, she was someone I could count on.
I don't have anyone in my life like that anymore. I suppose I am the person I lean on now. In some ways that is a good thing, but in another it is lonely. It's hard to admit, it's hard to type...that I long for a companion. Yes, companion is the right word.
At a meeting the other night the topic was brought up about "Where is your wound?" meaning where in your life do you feel stuck, where is there a story that you are still playing out. I decided to think about it, to discuss next week. On the drive home it came to me so clearly, my wound is that I have never felt loved, loved for who I am.
First off, no one would have been able to love me as I am since I didn't know who the hell I was until recently. As a child, my sister Kathy loved me, although as we got older it was clear that the way I thought (asking deeper questions about life, etc.) didn't appeal to her. "You hurt my head" she would say with a smile when I would pose philosophical questions to her.
As for my parents, I do not recall them taking the time to get to know me. I was the 5th and last child.
They separated when I was 10, divorced when I was 12. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I loved them very much, but they seems annoyed at having a child.
I'm no longer angry at my parents. Being a parent myself I realize how difficult a task it is. I have done much better than they did, so at least I have not passed on the poor parenting skills gene. ha!
How do I live? How do I love? I don't feel fully alive. I am holding back. Why? I am afraid.
Afraid of truly embracing life and making the best out of what I have. What's wrong with that?
I don't know anyone who is doing it.
Is it okay to break free from expected roles? I don't mean anything crazy, just really enjoying life while we have it. No longer waiting. Jumping in with both feet. Giggling. Not hiding. NO bargaining with yourself (If I do this, than I can have that).
I am afraid. This wide-spectrum constant drone of fear permeates my life.
What is I just decided to be happy? No matter what happened, I would accept it and know that under it all is happiness. I am alive. I have a life. I CAN walk, talk, make dinner, type, teach, shower, think...on and on it goes.
I am not stuck, I am not being punished, I didn't do anything wrong.
I am alone because I left relationships that weren't healthy for me anymore. I have not regretted leaving any of them. Leaving them was a coming home to me.
Tonight a bunch of my friends are getting together at a restaurant about 20 minutes from my house. I backed out of it weeks ago. It was the right thing to do. I wish them well. I am sure they are having a grand evening. I need to not be there. I don't know why, I just know it is true.
I am taking care of myself. Tomorrow I will take care of myself with the doctor. I have my questions and I'll be pushing to see when I can run again. Perhaps focusing on what I can do so I can run again will be what helps me through this time.
I am afraid. I am very afraid, but on I go.
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