It seems...

there's not much out there.  That's how I feel right now.  What are people doing?  I see people shopping in town and doing the recycle/banking/post office trifecta this morning.  Is this all there is?  What am I missing?

I came up with a mantra of sorts a few weeks back, "Where is the peace, HERE?"  so rather than going off into my mind of 'what could be'  'what should be'  'what used to be'  I stay in the moment and see where the peace is.

Today I woke up feeling energy, that is a great day.  After Saturday's trifecta of chores, I wanted to go somewhere.  I live pretty much 40 minutes from anywhere.  The budget is very very tight and I already drove 100 miles yesterday going to see that unfriendly ortho doctor.

I came home and you would have thought I was in prison.  I wrote for a while and then realized I have so much freedom.  There isn't any place I have to be, I have the day open, and there isn't anything that must be done.

 What's my problem?  How is it I am missing out on this joy?  There have been many times in my life where I would have killed for a day like today and yet, I am miserable.

I think "I'm stuck here"  "I don't have the money to go drive anywhere"  "I want to go over to Dartmouth to hang out at cafe and write"   Wa wa wa...I know, I'm a big baby.

I don't want to be this way and I am this way.

I wore a knee brace for part of the day, it didn't help much.

This stuck-ness on 'how things should be' is crazy making.  So I am making my own misery.

I dragged my ass out of the house around noon, just wanting to get out of the house again.  I listened to a CD of 70's music.  I felt happy.  I bought some nice ripe organic bananas, that made me happy.  I came home...BLUNK...I felt miserable.

I ignored it and made chicken soup and banana/blueberry pie. (no sugar, no flour).  I cleaned the kitchen.  I sat on the couch and thought "why me?"

Why me.. WHY NOT?  Should someone else have pain?  Should someone else have knee problems?  Should someone feel afraid? NO, this shouldn't happen to someone else.  I wouldn't give it to anyone, no matter how much I despised them.  This is my fate.

I started this post wondering if anyone was out there, because I feel so alone.   I am not alone.  I feel alone perhaps because I keep so much of who I am locked inside of me.  I am afraid.  Like a caterpillar
who has been in a cocoon for a long time, I'm afraid to come out.  Oh sure, everyone tells you it will be grand, but I don't know.

Things can happen to a beautiful flying butterfly too, can't they?

Life scares me and yet I yearn so much to be alive.  I feel dead sometimes, living in a wasteland.  Where is the joy, the color, the newness of each moment?  It's as though I've lost my senses, I can no longer hear, see, feel, taste, smell life.

I don't know how to get out of this trap. I don't know how to get out of what I've been living in for so many years.  I don't know how to get free.