mixed precipitation

It was slow going this morning in VT with an inch of snow/slush and light snow at 8am.
I was heading to the women's center to talk to the director about teaching a workshop in the spring.
It went well.  She said near the end quite spontaneously, "I like you".  I think it is safe to assume the interview went well.

I left feeling on top of the world.  "Look what I did?"  I told myself proudly.  I took myself out to breakfast and enjoyed my company.

Later, I taught my 2 hr course on symbology/mythology/philosophy/psychology.  During the lecture, I lost myself twice, I just completely lost where I was going with something. Standing in front of 14 adults, these 3 or 4 seconds of silence feel like an eternity.

I was tired...the knee hurts, my body hurts.

The drive home was messy and mushy.  The roads are a mess and it was 5pm.  I am not used to driving during these hours.  I hated it, even in this rural area.

I felt down all afternoon, blah, uninspired.  What happened to that morning high?

I feel confused.  Good things are happening and all I can think about is how I am going to make it physically.

Is this all there is?  Is life a series of little sporadic things...happy here, sad there, pain here, no pain there?

The in-betweens seem so lifeless.  What's wrong with me?  I feel like an alien.  Does anyone else feel as though they are trapped in artificial habitat?  You know like those arctic looking areas for the polar bears at the zoo?

I once saw at a zoo a polar bear who walked forward and backward through an opening in a 'igloo'.  Back and forth he went, not even turning around, just walking backwards.  It looked like a loop in a film.  I watched him do it for 10 minutes. It was painful for me.  I think it was painful for him.

He had nothing else to do. He was stuck in this loop of behavior.  The environment was not stimulating him and needs were not being met.  Sure, he had water, food, shelter, medical care...but he wasn't being fed.  His soul was not being nourished.

This is how I feel.  I have water, food, shelter, medical care...but I feel empty.

How do I feed myself?  What do I need?  I don't know.

I don't want to find myself walking forward and backward,  living in a loop of steps that I have taken so many times before.

How to live, to feel alive, to experience the vitality of life..to feel the vitality of me?

It's been a slushy day today, inside and out.  A bit of everything, here and there.  There are no answers but I am getting clearer and clearer about what I don't want and that has to count for something.