running away

I woke up this morning and didn't know what to do with myself.  Even though I worked out yesterday, I decided to go run.

I knew this wasn't going to be the best thing for my knee but it was going to be the best thing for my mind and spirit.

As I was running along I realized I was running away from something.  Running away from my feelings, running away from the void, running away from 'what is'.

I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy, but it was all I could do.

It was not as difficult a run as my past 2 runs were and I was grateful for that.

For the last few minutes of the run I prayed out loud "Help me".  That was followed by letting the powers that be know that I gladly forfeit my life for my childen.  May whoever I am, whatever I have, be used to protect them.

I first left my children last year for a month when I went to Italy.  It was magical, the whole process.  I bought myself a passport in January as a gift and within  2 months a friend of a friend offered me her house in Umbertide.

I would like to think that my leaving, my heading out into the greater world, had a positive impact on my children.

The old adage about how our actions rather then just words speak to our children, there is truth in there.

I ran into an old friend today, in the middle of typing this post.We chatted for almost an hour.  It was odd, as we haven't been in touch for 3 months.  It was familiar, in that we we very close and know each other, share the same humor, etc.

Strange day...

I don't know what side is up anymore.  My direction, my relation to other objects is all fuzzy and makes me dizzy.

In some sense I have lost my son.  I have also gained time.  I have also achieved a long range goal of raising my son these past 18 years.

I feel relieved too.  One less person to keep in the forefront of my mind, calculating what is going on, appts, chores, etc.   I know this doesn't mean that I am an a bad mother. I am an honest mother, which isn't easy for me sometimes.

Do any of us ever think the busyness of raising a family will ever end?  For me, it is dying in stages.
Who am I if not a full time mother?  What do I do now?  What skills do I have?

Where is my place in the larger context?  I've been head of this family for so long.  I made a little world and raised my sons.  I totally forgot that this was a temporary life, a temp job.

It hurts.