running away

I woke up this morning and didn't know what to do with myself.  Even though I worked out yesterday, I decided to go run.

I knew this wasn't going to be the best thing for my knee but it was going to be the best thing for my mind and spirit.

As I was running along I realized I was running away from something.  Running away from my feelings, running away from the void, running away from 'what is'.

I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy, but it was all I could do.

It was not as difficult a run as my past 2 runs were and I was grateful for that.

For the last few minutes of the run I prayed out loud "Help me".  That was followed by letting the powers that be know that I gladly forfeit my life for my childen.  May whoever I am, whatever I have, be used to protect them.

I first left my children last year for a month when I went to Italy.  It was magical, the whole process.  I bought myself a passport in January as a gift and within  2 months a friend of a friend offered me her house in Umbertide.

I would like to think that my leaving, my heading out into the greater world, had a positive impact on my children.

The old adage about how our actions rather then just words speak to our children, there is truth in there.

I ran into an old friend today, in the middle of typing this post.We chatted for almost an hour.  It was odd, as we haven't been in touch for 3 months.  It was familiar, in that we we very close and know each other, share the same humor, etc.

Strange day...

I don't know what side is up anymore.  My direction, my relation to other objects is all fuzzy and makes me dizzy.

In some sense I have lost my son.  I have also gained time.  I have also achieved a long range goal of raising my son these past 18 years.

I feel relieved too.  One less person to keep in the forefront of my mind, calculating what is going on, appts, chores, etc.   I know this doesn't mean that I am an a bad mother. I am an honest mother, which isn't easy for me sometimes.

Do any of us ever think the busyness of raising a family will ever end?  For me, it is dying in stages.
Who am I if not a full time mother?  What do I do now?  What skills do I have?

Where is my place in the larger context?  I've been head of this family for so long.  I made a little world and raised my sons.  I totally forgot that this was a temporary life, a temp job.

It hurts.

the day after

I felt better last night after my son skyped us and I could see him.  It was so much better than just his voice over the phone.

I woke up and then hit a wall, emotionally.  I am easily irritated and exhausted.  I don't say much.
My younger son has been with me most of the day and I feel sorry that he is stuck with me.
I can't seem to get myself unstuck.  I don't even know what has drained me so thoroughly.

I know that my son leaving yesterday was a big one, but there is more going on.  I've been keeping a lot of things on the back burner until he set off for his big adventure.

My health has been deteriorating here and there despite eating healthy and running 3x a week.
There is an inner fury over the fact that whatever I do, I cannot make this illness stop.

Having my immune system confused and attacking it's host (ME) sucks.  What else can I say?
My catholic upbringing (and it was a light-version) still holds sway over the thought, "What did I do wrong?"  "I must of done something wrong."

Yet I do not believe in this philosophy when it comes to other people.  My sister Kathy died of cancer, I  never blamed her.

Is this my ego?  I believe that I have control what happens to me?  I suppose I do.  This is a dangerous stance, as it makes me god or a complete failure.  I am neither.

I am tired of feeling like crap.  Tired of pain coming and going, always returning.

I don't like looking at parts of my body affected by illness.   Getting older is adjustment enough, really!

We are having financial difficulties up the wazoo.  Extra expenses for gas as my youngest has driver's ed classed 40 miles away for 5 week. (3x week)  Stuff for the hike,  all organic food for me,  etc.

So what is swimming around my head at a very deep level is this "How am I going to make it!?"
Is this the best I am ever going to feel?  I am honestly stuck with these diagnosis'?

Most of my life I wasn't even aware of my body...now it is never far from my mind.  I took it granted.
I ignored and pushed it to the limits.

See?  I do think this is my fault.  I do.

It's like being in a maze, scrambling for the exit.

I will be 48 next month.  I've been searching the classified ads for a while now and only come away panicked.   What I am qualified to do, I don't want to do.  What I'd like to do, I lack experience.

And how do I do it when some days I crash at 2pm?

So much going through my mind.

I need a break.

I need to say 'Stop! Go rest and stay in the moment'.

It's going to be okay.  Right?  Right?  Please let it all be alright.

tears at the bus

At 7am this morning my son boarded the Dartmouth Coach bus to Boston airport.  As I stood out on the curb, freezing, I waved with my mittens.  My baby, my first born, is on his way.

He is in Georgia by now.  He'll begin his hike tomorrow around noon.

He has been planning this since early January.  I have been supporting his dream from the beginning.  Now it is a reality.

As the bus pulled away from the curb, I followed it for 15 feet, waving frantically, mouthing 'I love you' and tears streaming down my face.  It was over in less than a minute.  He was out of sight.

On his own for the first time.  I couldn't breath easily for a while but it passed.

I am still in town as I had to teach this afternoon and I am taking a class this evening.  I am not looking forward to going home and realizing he is not there.

I spoke to him while he was at the airport and he sounded fine, if not tired.

He'll be taking a train from the Atlanta airport and then to a hotel.  Tomorrow he gets picked up by "Survivor Dave" and will begin his long trek.  If he does the whole thing, he'll be gone for 4 months.
I am hoping more like 1-2 months.

I guess he'll have to find out for himself.

I am not sure what to do.  I don't want to live my life from a worrying place. I'd like to think positive thoughts about him and where he is.

About 6 years ago, he went up in a small plane as part of an flying awareness day for kids.  It was him, 2 kids and the pilot.  As the plane took off, I stood watching my son be taken away from where I could help him, comfort him, protect him.  I lost my breath and stood there in a mixture of shock and sadness. In my silence, a women about 50 came over to me, put her hand on my should and said, "He's having a wonderful time up there."

I knew it was true and it helped calm down the monster that was clutching at my heart and lungs.

He was having fun up there.  When he landed 15 minutes later he was beaming ear to ear.  He was in heaven and his earth bound mother was happy for him.

I am happy for him today.  He planned the trip.  He worked hard for 2 months to save up the money for equipment, etc.

In the car this morning while I was driving at 6am he put his hand out to me.  I took it and we held hands for a few minutes.  That motion said more than words.  He loved me, he was going to miss me, and he needed to follow his dreams.

I have spent 17 years taking care of him.  He reached out today and took care of himself.  He's a old soul and one that I have been privileged to bring into the world.

 I am still holding his hand in my heart.  I'll never let go.  That is my joy.

May his journey be one of self-discovery, bliss and beauty.

Monday, Monday

The sun was out for a while but the grey and pearl colored clouds have once again dominated the sky, blocking out that warm energy.

It's a tough time of year in VT.  I am all wintered out.  The landscape is dull and your mind can't find anything good to focus on.

In a few weeks I will start my seeds and that will bring hope and life to this house, to my psyche.

My son leaves in less than 2 days for Georgia.  Yup, he's going to hike the AT from Georgia to Maine.
Or maybe he'll be home in a few weeks.  We are all taking it a day at a time.  I told him to stay as long as it is useful and not to become a drill sergeant (his nature at times).  For some parents, you have to push your kids.  For me, I have to teach kindness and compassion for SELF.

I am bewildered today.  I stood out on the front deck while sunshine existed and looked at my house.
The only house I have ever owned.  The home I have made here over the past 12 years.  What welled up inside me was very clear.  "It's time to go."

I don't know how I feel about that statement.  I have a haunting inclination that it is true.

I don't know what kind of work I can do.  I will be 48 next month.  Where do I go?  What do I do?

The time has come to take care of myself but my youngest is just 16. (4 days ago)  What to do?

I have been a homeschooling mother for 18 years.  That part of my life is over.  I am no longer married.
How do I find a path to independence?

My illness is an issue but I find myself bored with free time.  What a luxury, free time and I know it yet I would rather be doing something.

I cleaned for a while.  Cleaning always helps.

What is my next step?  I don't see a path.

I tell myself do what you can today.  So house chores are done, my son leaves Wednesday at 7am, I teach a class Wed from 12-2, I take a class from 5-7 on Wednesday too.  I look in the papers and look online.  My ears are open.  I am going down to visit my mother in mid-April for a week and then I leave for Italy on May 23.

Take a deep breath Patty, it's going to be okay.

I don't really believe that...not yet anyway.

incompetence

The older I get the less forgiving I am for this.  I went to pick up something today that a jeweler was supposed to do, very simple, a single letter on a ring.

It was off center...but A LOT.

The manager looked at it and I stood there as she scrambled to figure out what to say.

Unbelievable!!!

I got a bunch of "I'm sorry's" but that doesn't change anything.  I need to ring by Tuesday as my son is leaving.  The shop is closed Sunday and Monday.  I also drove 90 minutes round trip today, for nothing.

As I drove off I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  "I shoulda, blah blah blah"
Well, there is not shoulda here, it is what it is.  Maybe I learned to speak up?  What is the lesson?


When I first went there and ordered the work, I wasn't crazy about the place but I've been to other jewelry stores and none of them were any good.

Even after I ordered the work and paid for it, I seriously thought about going back the next day and canceling the order.  Then I talked myself out of it, telling myself, "It's there now and I need it in 2 weeks, best to let it be". This was WRONG.

So I will remember today.  The  next time I have that feeling that I am being treated poorly or something doesn't feel right, I follow my gut.

Tough lesson.  I feel badly because this ring is for my son and I don't want it to be tarnished. (pardon the pun)

I am searching for silver lining here...

The other day I was in a restaurant that was about 40% full.  Our waitress was not very good and she seemed to have a chip on her shoulder.  I ignored it because I didn't want to ruin the mood but as I got ready to leave I thought "I don't HAVE to leave a tip".  We were only 2 people, easy order, we didn't complain about anything.  So, I left no tip.  This is a first for me.

I am learning I do not have to do what others expect of me.  I don't have to do what I was told by my parents, society, whatever.  I am 47 and just getting the gist of this.

I am far from being mean or difficult, but I am seeing and feeling that I have a CHOICE.  What a concept!

How is that I didn't allow for this before?  Fear?  I don't know.

I am a late bloomer, that is for sure.

Yesterday was my sister Kathy's birthday.  She would have been 57.  It's been 11 1/2 years since she died.  I had a few tough hours yesterday.  I was looking at a photo of us from 1981. We are sitting on a couch in our pjs Christmas Eve and I have my arm around her.   As I looked at the photo, I realized I don't remember touching her.  It has been so long that I can't remember.  I can't remember her voice either.  It's as though she is fading away.  That scared me.

I read a quote that said "The great thing about having a sister is that you always have a friend"
We were best friends.  It was always easy.   I feel weird that there is so much about my life that she doesn't know.

As more and more time passes, our relationship gets further and further away.

I don't believe I'll see her as an angel in heaven.  I do believe our energy, our consciousness lives on.

It would be easier if I believed the former rather than the latter.

I am still here.  I am alive.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I am angry at her for leaving me.  We always said we'd take care of my mom together.  We always planned on getting older and seeing each other's sons grow up.  I still feel the ache of her.  There is a void in my life that cannot be filled.

Honestly, I think it would have been harder for her if I had died and left her here.  I don't mean that in a egotistical way, but it would have been really hard for her, especially since our sister Liz died 2 years ago.  Kathy would have had a really hard time.  So sometimes I think that I have done her a favor sparing her what happened to our family.

I am rationalizing all over the place, I know.

I miss my sister. I miss my dearest friend.  I am filled with gratitude that there was a time when she was mine, my oldest sister Kathleen.  The love lives on....and on...

Snow and then spring?

I heard about the snow a few days ago.  It put a cramp in my week.  I cancelled 2 appointments for today.  This meant driving 45 minutes on Monday to do errands with my youngest son.

We didn't get as much snow as they said.  This makes me crazy.  What is it lately with weather info... they seem to all be on far too much caffeine, that or else they get a commission on batteries and bottled water.

There was a time not so long ago when weather reports were not full of so much FEAR. It's as though the weather casters are all flunkies of drama school.  When did meteorology and bad reality TV combine?

Give me a break, just tell me the facts, 'just the facts, mam'.

So for the 74th time, we got a few inches after we were WARNED we'd get 20 inches.

I was in a funk all morning because I was home rather than doing attending to those 2 appointments today.

I went for a ride to the post office and to return books at the library.

I ended up going to a cafe for an hour.  I drank some tea and wrote a bit.  I have been listening to Bob Thurman lectures on buddhism (I've studied philosophy for over 20 years) and I am feeling unsettled about a few things.

So deep into thought I sat near the big window in the cafe'.   It comes back to this "Who am I?"  and "What am I doing?"

Of late, the new info for me is how stuck I am on the concept of ME.  This focus on myself causes more stress.   If i am surrounded by peace/heaven/nirvana but can't perceive it, what can I do?

And wanting my life to mean more than just taking care of myself.  I pray that I can find a career/job /whatever  to help others with my talent/intelligence/compassion.

I feel very confused.  There is a gist of understanding with all this subtle esoteric education and there is also this struggle to fully comprehend it.

If consciousness was never born and never dies...if everything has some form of consciousness...then my view of myself and the world is way off course.

Can what I think, what I have been told, how I have lived my whole life....be wrong?

Is my perception of reality based on faulty information?  Are there things I believe that are untrue?

It seems so.

There is a sense of freedom lurking around in all this AND lots of thing banging up against each other trying to straighten this out.

Hmm...

pondering

I've been pondering for hours it seems.

What is it that is causing this introspection today?

I woke up feeling fine.  Another beautiful day, so I decided to run even though I usually run every other day or every 2 days.  It was a great run.

I came home and cleaned and organized for 4 hours.  I had some windows open and it felt like spring.
Living in VT that means it will snow soon and the temps will drop into the teens.  Funny and true!

I don't say this many people...shit, I don't say it at all.  I am in pain.  My shoulder joints really hurt.
I am trying to imagine myself working full time.  I am scared.

Then I say to myself "Hey! For today you are okay.  There is nothing to panic about, bills are paid, I can walk, my children are healthy, my car works, cats are fine, there is nothing wrong."

I don't know, I feel in limbo.  My oldest son leaves for the AT in 17 days.  I am helping him get his to-do list done.  He came over to say good-night and give me my check kiss when he said, "Thanks for being my mom".  I was caught off guard.  It was nice to hear, really nice.

I am a good mother.  I really am and it's easy to forget with all the distractions of life.

So I am on my comfy leather love seat and thinking "I am like dark energy, I pull everything together but I can't be seen"  (Did I tell you I love physics too?)

My son saw me today.  Maybe it was just a glimpse, but it was nice to be noticed.

Tomorrow is a new moon and a good time to set an intention for the month.  I have been imagining that everyone and everything feel love and be loved, that there be peace.  I don't know if it makes any difference but I am going to continue doing it just the same.

I am only one person true, but I am not nobody.   I'd rather have big wishes for all then a small wish for only myself.   I think one person does make a difference, even if that one person is just me.

Peace.  

sun and then inner clouds

I woke up feeling grateful as we FINALLY had a sunny day.  I think it was 8 days of clouds.

I went for a run and enjoyed the sunshine.  My knee was more achy but I thanked it for hanging in there for me.

Less than 3 hours later I find myself in knots: My two sons attitudes are grating me today.   They seem to think that their generation is IT.  Don't get me wrong, they are great kids, but the little jabs here and there about my mispronouncing some new band or not understanding why they don't need to buy a certain item...ah, today it just got to me.

We were in a store and when I asked my son if he needed an item for his upcoming backpacking adventure, I got this attitude like I was stupid.  I walked away and let him shop on his own.

Am I over sensitive today?   I wanted to cry later because I felt hurt.  I do so much for them and yet there is little gratitude.  Parenting is hard, especially when you do as a solo act.

Like everyone, I need some appreciation now and again.

I wondered what was going on for me.  Yes, it's hard realizing that 'my boys' are no longer my boys.
Yes it's hard to see that our worlds are diverging and rightfully so, as I have no wish to be young again.
I am very comfortable being 47, thank you.

How can my kids know how good they have it, when this is all they know?  Of course they assume this is how it is for everyone.

I know how differently things can go.  I know I am a very different parent than my parents.  I've worked hard to get here.  It wasn't just presto-chango.

A part of me feels that it is time to go.  What am I doing here?  But I know they still need me, even if it is harder to see and less often.

I work hard because I want them to grow up in a healthy manner.  I don't think even they want to grow up as much as I want them to grow up.

Perhaps I am not free until they do and yet, who will I be then?  I've been a homeschooling mother for 18 years.  Who indeed am I?

I have a lot to be grateful for, including today's beautiful weather.

I am grateful for my sons.  I still have lessons to learn, just as they do.  

Why tears today?  My oldest leaves in 18 days...maybe the emotions are starting to surface.  He'll be on his journey backpacking through Georgia.  He may be gone for a month or 5 months, depending if he ends up in Maine.

Loss.  Love.  Good-byes.  Adventures.  Worry.  Happiness.  
Love, again and again and again...always.  

reflecting

I had a dr's appt today.  I really can't stand waiting in exam rooms with the door closed for 30 minutes.  Next time I hope I have the wherewithal to speak up...or at least open the door a bit.

Also, why don't I bring a book!?

I came home feeling a bit low as I am back on the medical merry-go-round:
-7 labs to be drawn
-Specialist this Friday
-Ultrasound on Monday  (Why is liver swollen?)
-Skin biopsy on Wednesday (Ugh)

I started to think about the past 2 years and these medical dramas I have been living through.
Tests and tests and then the...let's wait and see attitude.

I have taken my health into my own hands by eating very healthy and exercising.  I take a few vitamins and fish oil.  I drink water.  I meditate. What else can I do?

Taking care of myself means doing things I am don't like to do, hence today's appt.

Who am I these days?  I've been changed by the divorce, the illnesses, my sons growing out of childhood.

I have a hutch in the kitchen and the 3 shelves are full of family photos.  I looked at one of me holding my oldest son.  I am 30 and he is about 6 months old.  Who is she?  Where did he go?

There is a photo of me when I am 9 and we were living out in Palo Alto, CA.   Who is she and where did she go?

I've been reflecting a lot today.  I think things stay the same but they don't.  Everything is changing, sometimes so slowly as to not notice.  Sometimes quickly, as when my body breaks down.

It's been cloudy here for several days and that takes a toll on me too.  Late this afternoon, I saw some blue sky.  It was beautiful.  The sun was already setting but I hope to see it tomorrow.

Why am I sad?  I am going to Italy in less than 3 months.  Everything has fallen into place.  I got a great air fare, a place to stay in Umbria, a room for 4 days in Rome...what's MY problem?

I feel disconnected.  I feel scared.  I can't get a hold on that universal concept of "we are all one".

I will push my way through the medical appst I have for the next 2 weeks but I will do so without support.  I know there are people who have it much worse than I do.  I am sorry people are sick and/or in pain.  I wish everyone peace and love, truly I do.

Do I think I can will myself healthy?  Honestly I don't know what more I can do?  I suppose what is left now is to accept what is and LIVE.

I long for spring.  Living in VT, March is a tough month.   Although it's been a light snow winter, there is still mud season to get through before spring.  We still have snow on the ground.

I bought my seeds for starting in April.  I love to look at them.  New life!

I am looking out the sunroom windows right now.  It's almost 6pm.  All the colors are muted.  Brown, grey and white.  No color.  Even our complexions are pasty this time of year.

Under those drab colors are greens and grass and flowers.  I know it.

I will do what I need to do this week.  I can't know what colors await me in the future.

"something wonderful"

It's been a while since I've written as life has a way of taking over...
schedules, dr appts, food shopping, cleaning the bathroom, driving my son places.

About 2 weeks ago a new friend of mine told me about this book she read that discussed being aware of our thoughts.  It was interesting to me as this is a theme I have come across in comparative religions and philosophy.

A few days ago I started saying to myself in the morning, something wonderful is going to happen today.  I found myself looking for things, like enjoying a cup of tea with Bella on my lap while we watched the chickadees eat at the bird feeder.  I was finding 'something wonderful' every day.

Then I read this quote, "Live life like an experiment" and something clicked.  Yes, why not live as though this is an experiment, try things out, don't be so afraid.  PLAY, be curious, step out of the box.

So I took a chance and wrote an email.  The result?  I am booked on a flight to Italy for mid-May.
WOW!!!

I never thought I would return to Italy.  Several things fell into place, the MOST important being that the woman who owns the house in Umbria is allowing me to stay there again.

It's still hasn't sunk in yet.

A month ago I was devastated about my knee, about my chronic illness.

I changed the way I ate, it's been almost 5 weeks of only eating organic veggies (no potatoes, no corn) some fruit and chicken.  I am running 2-3x a week.  (dr doesn't know that yet, ha)

I feel so grateful.  As I ran in the snow today (not easy) I looked at the trees and nature...bliss.

Not taking myself so seriously, not letting fear paralyze me, and taking risks...asking, it the way to go.

I am 47 and really just starting to understand life.  The focus in more on living, rather than ME.

Joseph Campbell said that what we are all looking for is an EXPERIENCE of life, not a meaning.  I know what he means.  ;)