Monday, Monday

The sun was out for a while but the grey and pearl colored clouds have once again dominated the sky, blocking out that warm energy.

It's a tough time of year in VT.  I am all wintered out.  The landscape is dull and your mind can't find anything good to focus on.

In a few weeks I will start my seeds and that will bring hope and life to this house, to my psyche.

My son leaves in less than 2 days for Georgia.  Yup, he's going to hike the AT from Georgia to Maine.
Or maybe he'll be home in a few weeks.  We are all taking it a day at a time.  I told him to stay as long as it is useful and not to become a drill sergeant (his nature at times).  For some parents, you have to push your kids.  For me, I have to teach kindness and compassion for SELF.

I am bewildered today.  I stood out on the front deck while sunshine existed and looked at my house.
The only house I have ever owned.  The home I have made here over the past 12 years.  What welled up inside me was very clear.  "It's time to go."

I don't know how I feel about that statement.  I have a haunting inclination that it is true.

I don't know what kind of work I can do.  I will be 48 next month.  Where do I go?  What do I do?

The time has come to take care of myself but my youngest is just 16. (4 days ago)  What to do?

I have been a homeschooling mother for 18 years.  That part of my life is over.  I am no longer married.
How do I find a path to independence?

My illness is an issue but I find myself bored with free time.  What a luxury, free time and I know it yet I would rather be doing something.

I cleaned for a while.  Cleaning always helps.

What is my next step?  I don't see a path.

I tell myself do what you can today.  So house chores are done, my son leaves Wednesday at 7am, I teach a class Wed from 12-2, I take a class from 5-7 on Wednesday too.  I look in the papers and look online.  My ears are open.  I am going down to visit my mother in mid-April for a week and then I leave for Italy on May 23.

Take a deep breath Patty, it's going to be okay.

I don't really believe that...not yet anyway.