the day after

I felt better last night after my son skyped us and I could see him.  It was so much better than just his voice over the phone.

I woke up and then hit a wall, emotionally.  I am easily irritated and exhausted.  I don't say much.
My younger son has been with me most of the day and I feel sorry that he is stuck with me.
I can't seem to get myself unstuck.  I don't even know what has drained me so thoroughly.

I know that my son leaving yesterday was a big one, but there is more going on.  I've been keeping a lot of things on the back burner until he set off for his big adventure.

My health has been deteriorating here and there despite eating healthy and running 3x a week.
There is an inner fury over the fact that whatever I do, I cannot make this illness stop.

Having my immune system confused and attacking it's host (ME) sucks.  What else can I say?
My catholic upbringing (and it was a light-version) still holds sway over the thought, "What did I do wrong?"  "I must of done something wrong."

Yet I do not believe in this philosophy when it comes to other people.  My sister Kathy died of cancer, I  never blamed her.

Is this my ego?  I believe that I have control what happens to me?  I suppose I do.  This is a dangerous stance, as it makes me god or a complete failure.  I am neither.

I am tired of feeling like crap.  Tired of pain coming and going, always returning.

I don't like looking at parts of my body affected by illness.   Getting older is adjustment enough, really!

We are having financial difficulties up the wazoo.  Extra expenses for gas as my youngest has driver's ed classed 40 miles away for 5 week. (3x week)  Stuff for the hike,  all organic food for me,  etc.

So what is swimming around my head at a very deep level is this "How am I going to make it!?"
Is this the best I am ever going to feel?  I am honestly stuck with these diagnosis'?

Most of my life I wasn't even aware of my body...now it is never far from my mind.  I took it granted.
I ignored and pushed it to the limits.

See?  I do think this is my fault.  I do.

It's like being in a maze, scrambling for the exit.

I will be 48 next month.  I've been searching the classified ads for a while now and only come away panicked.   What I am qualified to do, I don't want to do.  What I'd like to do, I lack experience.

And how do I do it when some days I crash at 2pm?

So much going through my mind.

I need a break.

I need to say 'Stop! Go rest and stay in the moment'.

It's going to be okay.  Right?  Right?  Please let it all be alright.