reflecting

I had a dr's appt today.  I really can't stand waiting in exam rooms with the door closed for 30 minutes.  Next time I hope I have the wherewithal to speak up...or at least open the door a bit.

Also, why don't I bring a book!?

I came home feeling a bit low as I am back on the medical merry-go-round:
-7 labs to be drawn
-Specialist this Friday
-Ultrasound on Monday  (Why is liver swollen?)
-Skin biopsy on Wednesday (Ugh)

I started to think about the past 2 years and these medical dramas I have been living through.
Tests and tests and then the...let's wait and see attitude.

I have taken my health into my own hands by eating very healthy and exercising.  I take a few vitamins and fish oil.  I drink water.  I meditate. What else can I do?

Taking care of myself means doing things I am don't like to do, hence today's appt.

Who am I these days?  I've been changed by the divorce, the illnesses, my sons growing out of childhood.

I have a hutch in the kitchen and the 3 shelves are full of family photos.  I looked at one of me holding my oldest son.  I am 30 and he is about 6 months old.  Who is she?  Where did he go?

There is a photo of me when I am 9 and we were living out in Palo Alto, CA.   Who is she and where did she go?

I've been reflecting a lot today.  I think things stay the same but they don't.  Everything is changing, sometimes so slowly as to not notice.  Sometimes quickly, as when my body breaks down.

It's been cloudy here for several days and that takes a toll on me too.  Late this afternoon, I saw some blue sky.  It was beautiful.  The sun was already setting but I hope to see it tomorrow.

Why am I sad?  I am going to Italy in less than 3 months.  Everything has fallen into place.  I got a great air fare, a place to stay in Umbria, a room for 4 days in Rome...what's MY problem?

I feel disconnected.  I feel scared.  I can't get a hold on that universal concept of "we are all one".

I will push my way through the medical appst I have for the next 2 weeks but I will do so without support.  I know there are people who have it much worse than I do.  I am sorry people are sick and/or in pain.  I wish everyone peace and love, truly I do.

Do I think I can will myself healthy?  Honestly I don't know what more I can do?  I suppose what is left now is to accept what is and LIVE.

I long for spring.  Living in VT, March is a tough month.   Although it's been a light snow winter, there is still mud season to get through before spring.  We still have snow on the ground.

I bought my seeds for starting in April.  I love to look at them.  New life!

I am looking out the sunroom windows right now.  It's almost 6pm.  All the colors are muted.  Brown, grey and white.  No color.  Even our complexions are pasty this time of year.

Under those drab colors are greens and grass and flowers.  I know it.

I will do what I need to do this week.  I can't know what colors await me in the future.