sun and then inner clouds

I woke up feeling grateful as we FINALLY had a sunny day.  I think it was 8 days of clouds.

I went for a run and enjoyed the sunshine.  My knee was more achy but I thanked it for hanging in there for me.

Less than 3 hours later I find myself in knots: My two sons attitudes are grating me today.   They seem to think that their generation is IT.  Don't get me wrong, they are great kids, but the little jabs here and there about my mispronouncing some new band or not understanding why they don't need to buy a certain item...ah, today it just got to me.

We were in a store and when I asked my son if he needed an item for his upcoming backpacking adventure, I got this attitude like I was stupid.  I walked away and let him shop on his own.

Am I over sensitive today?   I wanted to cry later because I felt hurt.  I do so much for them and yet there is little gratitude.  Parenting is hard, especially when you do as a solo act.

Like everyone, I need some appreciation now and again.

I wondered what was going on for me.  Yes, it's hard realizing that 'my boys' are no longer my boys.
Yes it's hard to see that our worlds are diverging and rightfully so, as I have no wish to be young again.
I am very comfortable being 47, thank you.

How can my kids know how good they have it, when this is all they know?  Of course they assume this is how it is for everyone.

I know how differently things can go.  I know I am a very different parent than my parents.  I've worked hard to get here.  It wasn't just presto-chango.

A part of me feels that it is time to go.  What am I doing here?  But I know they still need me, even if it is harder to see and less often.

I work hard because I want them to grow up in a healthy manner.  I don't think even they want to grow up as much as I want them to grow up.

Perhaps I am not free until they do and yet, who will I be then?  I've been a homeschooling mother for 18 years.  Who indeed am I?

I have a lot to be grateful for, including today's beautiful weather.

I am grateful for my sons.  I still have lessons to learn, just as they do.  

Why tears today?  My oldest leaves in 18 days...maybe the emotions are starting to surface.  He'll be on his journey backpacking through Georgia.  He may be gone for a month or 5 months, depending if he ends up in Maine.

Loss.  Love.  Good-byes.  Adventures.  Worry.  Happiness.  
Love, again and again and again...always.