incompetence

The older I get the less forgiving I am for this.  I went to pick up something today that a jeweler was supposed to do, very simple, a single letter on a ring.

It was off center...but A LOT.

The manager looked at it and I stood there as she scrambled to figure out what to say.

Unbelievable!!!

I got a bunch of "I'm sorry's" but that doesn't change anything.  I need to ring by Tuesday as my son is leaving.  The shop is closed Sunday and Monday.  I also drove 90 minutes round trip today, for nothing.

As I drove off I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  "I shoulda, blah blah blah"
Well, there is not shoulda here, it is what it is.  Maybe I learned to speak up?  What is the lesson?


When I first went there and ordered the work, I wasn't crazy about the place but I've been to other jewelry stores and none of them were any good.

Even after I ordered the work and paid for it, I seriously thought about going back the next day and canceling the order.  Then I talked myself out of it, telling myself, "It's there now and I need it in 2 weeks, best to let it be". This was WRONG.

So I will remember today.  The  next time I have that feeling that I am being treated poorly or something doesn't feel right, I follow my gut.

Tough lesson.  I feel badly because this ring is for my son and I don't want it to be tarnished. (pardon the pun)

I am searching for silver lining here...

The other day I was in a restaurant that was about 40% full.  Our waitress was not very good and she seemed to have a chip on her shoulder.  I ignored it because I didn't want to ruin the mood but as I got ready to leave I thought "I don't HAVE to leave a tip".  We were only 2 people, easy order, we didn't complain about anything.  So, I left no tip.  This is a first for me.

I am learning I do not have to do what others expect of me.  I don't have to do what I was told by my parents, society, whatever.  I am 47 and just getting the gist of this.

I am far from being mean or difficult, but I am seeing and feeling that I have a CHOICE.  What a concept!

How is that I didn't allow for this before?  Fear?  I don't know.

I am a late bloomer, that is for sure.

Yesterday was my sister Kathy's birthday.  She would have been 57.  It's been 11 1/2 years since she died.  I had a few tough hours yesterday.  I was looking at a photo of us from 1981. We are sitting on a couch in our pjs Christmas Eve and I have my arm around her.   As I looked at the photo, I realized I don't remember touching her.  It has been so long that I can't remember.  I can't remember her voice either.  It's as though she is fading away.  That scared me.

I read a quote that said "The great thing about having a sister is that you always have a friend"
We were best friends.  It was always easy.   I feel weird that there is so much about my life that she doesn't know.

As more and more time passes, our relationship gets further and further away.

I don't believe I'll see her as an angel in heaven.  I do believe our energy, our consciousness lives on.

It would be easier if I believed the former rather than the latter.

I am still here.  I am alive.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I am angry at her for leaving me.  We always said we'd take care of my mom together.  We always planned on getting older and seeing each other's sons grow up.  I still feel the ache of her.  There is a void in my life that cannot be filled.

Honestly, I think it would have been harder for her if I had died and left her here.  I don't mean that in a egotistical way, but it would have been really hard for her, especially since our sister Liz died 2 years ago.  Kathy would have had a really hard time.  So sometimes I think that I have done her a favor sparing her what happened to our family.

I am rationalizing all over the place, I know.

I miss my sister. I miss my dearest friend.  I am filled with gratitude that there was a time when she was mine, my oldest sister Kathleen.  The love lives on....and on...