new blog address...

Due to having this blog attached to an old email address I needed a "do over".

"A seeker's life" has become "a seeker's path" at

http://snowyowlisis.blogspot.com 

I look forward to seeing you there!

Thanks, Patty

i'm back

I've been blogging about my 2nd trip to Italy but now I am back to day to day life.

My son finished his AT hike on Saturday July 20th.  He hiked 2,186 miles in 115 days.  Amazing.

The last week was very stressful as he was exhausted.  I met him on the trail in Caratunk, Maine and we stayed at a little motel in Bingham.  He needed a bug-free night of sleep.  He was a mess.  My heart broke for him.  He looked as though he broke out in hives but they were bug bites!

I fed him.  He showered...twice.  The next morning I drove him back to the trailhead.  It was heart wrenching to drive away but he needed to do what he needed to do.

Motherhood!  Oy vey!

I am at a difficult time in parenting with my boys being 16 and 18.  I feel confused and lost in some ways.  They are growing up and I am not sure how to mother them anymore.

They want to be treated like adults but they aren't adults.  They want my help and then in an instant, they resent my help.  I can't seem to get it right.

They assume I am some superhuman being but I am just a person.  They don't realize that mothers were once girls and then we grew up.

I am sad.  I miss having boys.

I don't doubt their love for me but things have changed and I am confused.

I don't like confusion.  I am not at my best this week.

A part of me wants to throw in the towel and say, "Yeah fine, do whatever you want" but that would be a lie.

A part of me wants to say, "Do you have any idea what I've done for you?"  but they won't understand it.

You hear about the empty-nest syndrome but what about the "nestfullofkidspretendingtobeadultswhodriveyouinsane" syndrome?

Speaking of my sons, they are out playing ultimate frisbee with friends and the house is quiet.  It is lovely.  I am going to enjoy this quiet.  

It's good to be blogging again.   :)

http://vermontbuddha.blogspot.it

For the next month I will blogging on this new blog. (see blog title, above)

 I just got into rainy, cold Umbertide today.

It is very different than my last visit...and as it should.

See you over at the new blog.  :)

Ciao

In Rome

Hotel didn't honor ( bookedup??!!)3 month old Orbitz prepaid reservation.  I'm a few blocs away at their sister hotel.  UGH what a bad night last night.  Tired.  write more when I get to Umbertide.

3 days to go...

then I take a bus to the plane, then another plane and then a train, another train and one more train.

Ugh!  I forgot how much prep work goes into traveling.  I am making lists, going over bills with my son, figuring our what clothes to bring, yada yada yada.

Time is flowing so fast.  Where has May gone?

I wake up and it's dark again.  Seriously, it's kind of scary.

I am more nervous this trip.  Ignorance is bliss I guess.  The last trip (my first ever to Europe) I was just excited.  This time, I know more of what to expect and I feel a bit of anxiety.

I remember the stress of not speaking the language and trains, buses, not sure where to go.  Plus, being on your own, all you have is that voice in your head to talk to and it can get lonely.

I know I will be fine but I am surprised how nervous I am.

In some ways it is easier, knowing what to pack and such.

I don't have any expectations (like my first trip) nor am I trying to recapture all the wonders of the first trip.  This is FIRST 2nd trip, anything is possible, eh?

I will be a worrying mother whether I am in VT, Italy, or on the moon.  No, I can disengage from parenting.  Sometimes I feel bad how easy I can do that when I am on my own.

I don't know what to expect...and these 3am anxiety attacks are getting old.  What the hell is going on in that deep unconscious of mine?  I have no history of this type of thing, even during the divorce or my  sister's death.

There is more going on than meets the eye.  Since I have no clue, I am sure it will come out in my writings.

I am thinking of starting a blog just for the trip.  Hmm...I'll think about it.

I am still in shock that I am going again.  Me? Italy?  Twice in less than a year?  Impossible.  Possible.

The universe works in strange ways...very!

It is surreal to me.  Surreal.

This time next week I'll be in Italy.  Ahh...nope, I can't imagine it.

Still, I am moving forward with prep work and such.  "Show up," that's what my mother reminds me about how best to handle a situation that we fear.

I am not running away.  I am not sure what is going on with the anxiety or the trepidation, but I am showing up.

A baby step at a time.  Here I go...

breathing room

I've had nightmares twice in the past 3 days.  Monday morning it took me over 2 hours to wiggle out of the feelings I had clinging to me since waking up.

This morning, a new set of dreams with the same dreaded feelings.

I went on 2 job interviews Monday.  There was a job I wanted and then another job that made the first job look pathetic.

I was prepared for the 'a' interview and figured I'd just swing it for the 'b' interview.

Well, the 'b' interview went excellent and the 'a' interview was blah.

My gut told me that even though I wanted the 'a' job, the timing and interview of 'b' job felt right.

I got offered the 'b' job and the 'a' job took a pass due to the fact that I can't start asap.  ( I leave for Italy n 8 days!!)

I am glad I accepted the 'a' job without knowing for sure the 'b' job.  

It is for 6 weeks, full time at a school camp in a ritzy town.  I am sure I can do it.  I like who my supervisor is.  I think she is 20 years younger than I am. ha!

So I didn't get the job with the office in the very nice village.  I had images of me there.  I had planned on walking to the great general store for lunch.  I was feeling quiet full of pride thinking I had that job.

Not to be.

I have a summer job with kids.  This is what worked out for me.  Why the shame...embarrassment?

Maybe because I am 48 with a Masters degree and I'll be working with college students and middle school kids?

I don't know.  I am trying to let it all go and be grateful I found a job.  It was a BIG step for me.
And the job gives me something else to put on my resume.  I am lead counselor after all.  ha!

I can't believe I am leaving for Italy in 8 days!!!!!   The time is flying.  I've started making some plans.  I told the bank, so I can use my debit card.  I wrote out bills and deposit slips for my son to take care of things while I am gone.

I am leaving my 16 yr old home.  His father lives on the other side of the house.  Gulp. I am so used to being in charge and being responsible for everything and everyone.  Learn to let go.

My soon to be 18 yr old is still hiking the AT in Virginia.  I spoke with him today and he sounds like he is acting like some cool hiking dude.  It might be time for him to come home.  He has a tendency to want to be an image of who he wants to be vs being himself.  This will have to be addressed before I leave on Thursday.

I am scared about the trip to Italy.  I feel as though I am tempting the fates.  I had an excellent trip in Sept last year so that means (according to my upbringing) that this trip should be a disaster.  I am aware of the fear and I keep letting it go.   So far, it keeps coming back.

Who knows what will happen?  All I know is that I was given the opportunity to go and I took it.
My mom is surprisingly helping me out financially, so this really is a miracle trip too.

I have a job set up for the day after I get home from Italy.  M-F 8:30 to 4:30.  I haven't worked full time since 1993.  Although motherhood is uber full-time.

I have mixed emotions today.

 I also finished teaching my last class.  It was an 8 week class for adults on the history of matriarchal societies (statues found from 35,000 BC) to today's patriarchal societies.  No, there was no man-bashing.  It was more about the invisible rules and hierarchies we live and participate in.  I enjoyed it.  I'll teach again in the fall about male and female mythical roles: The Hero and The Wild Woman.

I am home.  I have a summer job.  I am going to Italy for 27 days.  Life is good, although I don't see it.

See it.  I need to open my eyes and see how wonderful life is.  It is wonderful.  It is.  

grace

I explained to my meditation group that I have been feeling more and more of these 'grace' moments.
I am not sure why or what has to happen for it to happen.

I wrote about it yesterday and went like this:

By grace I mean something akin to the sun.  It is always there whether I see it or not.  It is free. It is a natural state of life.  The sun shines on all, on everything.

Grace is not about some deserving halo following me around because I did something good.

Here is way of explaining it:  I have found a way out of my house, so I feel the sun more.  What that path is, I don't know, maybe being awake?  Maybe not being caught up in the day to day stuff?

In times of silence when I no longer tune into the inner dialog voices, there it is....peace, contentment.
I feel as though I don't exist and yet I feel more alive.  Such a paradox.

I watched a talk of the Dalai Lama last night.  He was speaking at a college in Oregon.  I loved it when he stressed how we are all human.  He does not think of himself as a Buddhist or His Holiness.  We are all members of a family.

He also talked about the media and how often we see negative scary things and yet in a million ways each day, we humans are kind, patient and loving.   Do we realize?

My oldest son has been hiking the AT for 6 weeks now.  It has taken a turn for me...while talking to him on the phone Wednesday I wanted to cry.   Later I realized it was this inner knowing that he has shifted, that our relationship has shifted.  Our relationship of mother and son, as it has been for a long time, is no longer.  He has passed a threshold.  I felt it.  I knew it.  I witnessed it.

It is sad and sweet.  I am happy for him, so thrilled for his young adult life starting off so beautifully.
I feel beyond fortunate and I do not take too much credit for it.   He is quite a human being and I am graced to have him for a son.

As you can tell, I am in a nice place these days.  I find even my darkest times do not last as long. I also don't freak out as much when I have them.  They are more familiar and I am slowly realizing, par for the course.

Another big change has been that I have been able to send out applications and resumes.  Where I used to be paralyzed, I am now taking slow baby steps.  4 so far and an interview this Monday for a summer job.

I am showing up more.  I have less shame.  I am more comfortable in my own skin.  I am not full of ego nor an I feeling less than others.  I'm somewhere in the middle, knowing I am one of MANY and who/what I am, is inherently good, full of grace....just like everyone and everything else.

I am outside 'my house' and enjoying it....who knew?

alone in the dark

That is where I am, literally and figuratively.  I was laying here on the loveseat, feet up on the end and the lights out..and suddenly I recall sitting in our black swivel leather chair when I was a girl.  When I was upset (I don't think I even knew to label it that!) I would sit in that chair and turn it around so it was  facing the corner.

No one could see me, I wasn't there.  I could feel numb there.  I was probably 7 or 8 years old.  Damn, that is 40 years ago.

Somethings don't change, do they?

This, after reading about impermanence today, is kind of a joke.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and beliefs.  It started with an argument over the budget.  I tried to shake it all day...just live in the moment and do what I can.  By this afternoon, I was journaling like crazy about getting outside myself, my ego, and finding a place of peace in WHAT IS.

By 6:00, I am just plain sad.  I kept feel this urge to cry.  I didn't because my 16 yr son got home from his first day of work at the farm.  I do not want to upset him.

Why am I crying anyway?  Because I am in debt $700?

Because grief comes up again and again.  I miss my sister.

 I miss having friends to go with.  I am TIRED of going it alone.

I want to eat, cry, scream, run away, die.  Not in that order.

I know enough about philosophy and life to know there is no 'poof' magic answer.

Sometimes I think I know too much and yet, I really don't know enough.

After losing my temper with my ex-spouse this morning, I judged myself harshly for not being able to stay with compassion.  I got caught up in things and I wasn't calm or kind.   I was impatient, judgmental, and blaming him for more than his fair share of the problem.   I wanted to be saved.  I am 48 and I am still looking for mommy and daddy.  Pathetic, really.

I went for a short drive and then went online and sent my resume to a job as a summer camp counselor.  Again, pathetic, but I needed to do something.  I need to step up to the plate and make money.

I am scared.  Big shit, so is everyone else, I'm sure.

Why do I baby myself?  Why do I think I should have it easy?  Sure I can think of lots of things I can say to get sympathy but the truth is I am an adult, I am not married and my sons are no longer boys.

I've been hating myself today and that doesn't do any good...for anyone!  Another miserable person in the world is not my goal.  I listen to buddhist lectures, I am reading an interesting book on dakini figures in Hinduism.   I am taking care of my health.  I take my vitamins.

Ah, I am disgusted with myself.   What am I doing?   I feel like a misfit today.  I don't belong.

I am sad.  Sad to see the truth.  Sad to realize that my old life is really gone, dead.

I feel sorry for myself and then I think of finding the peace in the moment.  I try hard to let go of my personal crappola and add more joy for the world.

It's NOT all about ME.  This is why I study...because I know life is bigger than one person.  I want to help the world, not be another downer, whiny, negative person.

How can I help others if I am all caught up in ME?

It feels like there is a net cast over me and I am struggling to break free.

What is important?  Love.  Compassion.  Can I have compassion for myself?  Can I be kind?

I feel the urge to beat the hell out of myself.  That is not going to help me or anyone/anything else.

There is no running away.  There is no disappearing act.

Where is the peace in this?   There is always peace/love...yet all I sense is darkness.

I know there is more.  I can't see.  I can't see.  It's dark and all I feel is sad.   Sadness in the dark, so no one can see me.  So no one can take it away.  So no one can tell me I can't feel sad.

I'm still hiding.  I am still such a child.

'I am a reflection...

and there is nothing to grasp.'

I wrote that earlier this evening while feeling all mushy about a buddhist article I just read.

Fast forward 4 hours and I am full of worry about finances.  The bills keep rolling in and our income is dropping fast.  I feel the terror wanting to lift its head and roar.  I also know that for this moment, this now, all is well.

It's like standing on an edge and feeling how easy it would be to fall.  All I need to do is not care and let my weight lean too much to one side.  All I need to do is not pay attention to where my feet are planted.  All I need to do is panic and freak out.

I am typing instead.  I am breathing.  I am looking at this situation and realizing I have been here many times.  I realize this is well-trafficed terrain.  I see that I know this path.  I feel the ruts under my feet.  I know where this ends up.

I don't want to do what I always do.

Deep breath.  

I am okay.    The only thing happening right now is that I can hear a truck going down the interstate.  I hear the 'tap tap tap' of my fingers on the keyboard.  I feel the cotton blanket on my feet.  I see the screen of my laptop.

Thoughts want to scream and drag me away.  I am not going.  I am not going down into that abyss.

"Where is the peace in this moment?"   "What can I learn here?"

I feel fear.
-OK.

I'm scared.
-OK

I am sitting on my love seat.  I am healthy.  My son is sleeping.  My cats are sleeping. I hear the 'click,click,click" of the wall clock.  I didn't hear it before.  I am tuned in.

It's okay.  

It's a dark night and I can't see any way out of this but I know in the morning, things will look differently.   I can figure out what bills to pay and what not to pay.  I don't know how much he'll make next week.   I don't know if I'll find a job.

I could cancel my trip and use the last of my money to pay the credit card.  I have options.

This is far from horrible.

I don't have to panic, worry, or freak out.  I can face the truth.  It's simply the truth.  I can do that much.

I am.
 I'm here.
I am listening.
I am paying attention.

Right now, all is well.

Let me stay here.  Any place else is a lie.

I'll stick with the truth.  For now...

where's the sun?

We have had a very poor spring in these parts...but the past 3 days have been sunny!  About 3 hours ago the clouds rolled in and it is COLD, the air temperature just will not spring-up!

I am tired of cold.  We get such a short spring anyway.

I got home from Long Island late Thursday and I can't remember a time when I was so happy to be home.  I did chores all day Friday with glee and a sense of gratitude.

It was clear how different my lifestyle here is compared to how I grew up.

I have been unexpectedly content since my return.

I am also continuing to listen to a lecture series by Bob Thurman that is helpig me in ways that I didn't know I needed.

This might sound depressing but by changing the focus off  of 'me' and onto the bigger picture of everything, there I find peace.  It is such a paradox AND true.

I have focused on me for as long as I can remember...trying to be better, to get people to love me, to FIX myself.  I have been addicted to ME and I never noticed it.  I have been telling myself how much work I need, how I should be nicer, smarter, prettier, thinner, happier.  UGH when does it end?

I am NOT the center of the world nor am I the center of myself anymore.  Yee ha, what a relief.

When I consider where and when I feel most alive, when I feel peace... (teaching, dancing, running, being at the  beach) there is a common theme: I am NOT self-conscious and I have no picture in my mind of who I am.  There is no mirror image.  It's as though I am not there, yet I am more 'me'  than ever.  So by leaving 'ME'  I experience me??  Or is is that this is LIFE?  Is life me-free?  Is this is the case for everyone?

Are we all stuck in our mirror image of self?
Today after my morning run, I got a great cup of coffee at our village store and walked down our tiny main street, behind the church and looked out at the WHite Mountains of NH.  Below the hill I was standing on is the CT river.

It was one of those 'aha' moments.  I said to myself, this is heaven...what I see, what I hear, what I feel, what I taste, what I smell.  THIS IS IT and it always available.

Yup, one of those days.   Om.....        :)  

Going home again...not easy.

I've been on Long Island for 6 days.  Yesterday, it got difficult.  There were things going on that I did not want to see or admit to...my mother's behavior.  It's so cliche that I don't even want to write about it.

Several things happened yesterday that I am not sure that I would have even noticed except my 16 year old son was with me and it was so apparent not even I could deny it.

The biggest part of this was the memory of how my life was when I was growing up.  By last night I kept thinking "How did I ever survive living like this?"

I couldn't sleep.  By 2am I was all wound up.  My head was wide awake.

The main feeling I had was shock.  Is this really what she does?  What do I normally do...ignore her?

I didn't wnat to feel what I was feeling.  I didn't want to know what I knew.

I laid on the couch in the dark just letting the truth wash over me.   I promised myself I would go for a run in the morning.  I finally drifted off around 3am.

I woke up around 8 and headed out to run.  It is unusually cold here, about 20 degrees cooler.  It's cloudy and damp.  I ran anyway.   It felt good.

I did my little mantras as I ran.  I spoke to myself aloud "Hey you...I choose to live in peace today, to be happy."  It helped.

I've been with my mother all day.  It's much better than yesterday.  She is much less gloomy and passive-agressive.  

I am handling it like I did yesterday...by asking myself in difficult  situations 'Where is the peace here?"

My son was very surprised at how calm I was yesterday, especially since it was my birthday.

My mother often gives mixed messages.  She'll tell me how much she loves me and then treat me poorly.  It's never clear cut, she acts it out.  My son asked me several times yesterday "What is wrong with Nannie?"  I smiled and said "Nothing, this is what she does sometimes."

I don't think she is conscious of it.  I told my son that too.

The hard part for me was last night after she and my son were asleep.  It hit me then, this trip down memory lane.  My difficult childhood was alive and well last night...and it scared the shit out of me.

I knew that things were different.  I am not 8 any more.  I handled yesterday with grace.  I didn't lost myself.  But it also took a toll on me.

Running was a big help.  It 'my thing'.  I've been happy today.  I am not going to NOT be happy because she is not.  We are not the same person.  Most importantly, I don't have to be LESS than to make her, or anyone else, feel oaky about themselves.

I am 48, not 75.  I can run 2 miles, she doesn't.  I eat organic food.  Who I am and what I do are OKAY.  Loving someone doesn't mean you deny who you are so they feel better.  That is insane.  THAT is how I spent my the first 20 years of my life.  The next 20 were spent doing that with my husband.

No more.

Love doesn't mean being nobody.  Love doesn't mean making yourself smaller.

 Love today means truth.   I can see the truth and let it be.

Being.   :)

 

Boston sad...

I wondered why I seemed blue today...then turned on the car radio and heard an update on the Boston Marathon bombing.

What to do with the feelings of helplessness?

I heard an 8 year old child died.  Heartache.

The child was there watching his dad run the race.  Oh my, how can those parents deal with this?

I sent out prayers, I spoke aloud to the universe hoping that my compassion is of help to them...to someone.

I don't know who did the bombing or why.  Whatever their message or intent, innocent people lost their lives.  Blood is on their hands.

I've been to a few runs in the past 2 years and the atmosphere is always upbeat and kind.  People are cheering for the runners, family members look on in pride.  It is often a magical experience.  The last think anyone is expecting is a bombing.


Again, I am not sure what to do with my feelings.  I don't want to get caught up in hatred and fear, that will get me nowhere.

Look where those types of feelings get people...often to act out violently.

So I will stay with the sadness and continue to send out my compassion and kindness to people I have never met, but we know each other, we are a human family after all.

an anchored buoy

Yep, that is what I have become...motherhood these days is about staying anchored so my children have a reference point as they travel in deeper waters.

My oldest (17) has been gone for a bit over 3 weeks.  He loves hiking the AT and doesn't sound like he is in any rush to come home.  If he continues (as originally planned) to head north to Maine, I won't see him for 3 more months.

My youngest (16) is now driving and will soon be working full time, plus working on his G.E.D.

What am I doing?

I am teaching a course at Dartmouth's ILEAD program. (a volunteer position)
I am researching medical information to help deal with my illness.
I go to therapy.
I go to meditation.
I take care of the house.
I did the taxes a few days ago.

Last night, while my son was out helping with our town's Green-up Day event, I was home alone for 5 hours.  That is when I felt this "I am a buoy" notion.  It feels right.  I bob up and down in the water, anchored deep into the ground.  I need to be here so they have someone to come home to, someone to look at so they can figure our where they are.

It is an important part of parenting and one that I can see, most people would rather skip.  Children don't grow in a linear line.  They spiral forwards and backwards.

I feel like I want to cut all ties with them sometimes.  "Bon voyage and good luck!"  But I know too much about psychological development to let them go so dramatically.  They need to cut the ties with me, that's when I will know.

Sure, there are times when parents have to do the cutting, but that is when the child is not progressing.  I don't see that happening with my two sons.  They keep reaching out toward adulthood, not hiding into the folds of childhood.

There are so many levels to mothering.  Looking back, when they were infants, that was the easiest.
Minimal options: feed them, change them, rock them.

It gets more and more complicated from there.

Adolescence is difficult because they often ACT grown up, act like the person they imagine themselves to be.  But it is the parent's job to hold their feet to the earth and make sure they stay within the realms of reality.  I am the counter-weight to all their hormone-induced energy.

Like all things, balance is the key.  The middle way, as it is often talked about in Buddhism.

I am feeling so bored with this buoy job.  Being a single parent makes it harder, as there isn't another adult to talk to about all this.

I am ambivalent.  I do not like this position.  I know I am needed and yet I want to be done.
I want them to be finished!!  Grow up so I can be free.  Yet, I am ambivalent about my life too.
I know what motherhood is about, it is known.  What does being a single woman mean these days?
That is unknown.  Should I stay or should I go?

What will I be when I grow up?

I dont know why I never realized that motherhood is not a tenured position.

I need someone to be my buoy.

My fear is this:
I have to be my own buoy.  I am not sure I know how.  I am so focused on my sons live decisions that I have failed to make my own safe path through the waters.

I feel seasick.

seeking what?

For the past 2 days I have been wondering what this 'seeker's life' is all about.

When I look back over my life the theme of "seeking" is always present.  I have been working on myself to make sense of my upbringing (alcoholic home, etc.) my depressions, other people's behavior's and what the purpose of life is.

I have been climbing round and round this spiral, moving forward, learning and feeling less suffering in my life.  But is this all about me?

Has my purpose to understand my pain and shortcomings just been a way to realize that it isn't all about me?

For the past 2 years I have thought more and more about how important it is that what I do, be of benefit to others.  I was slowly realizing that just trying to grab some happiness for me wasn't going to do it anymore.  I also realized I didn't want as much as I once thought I did.

Someone asked me the other day what my goals were, short range, long range.  For short range, I wrote  that health was most important.  I continue to try and find natural ways to heal my body.

My long range goal was to find a way to do something I love so I can live simply and benefit others.

The new idea that is floating around me and in me of late is this:  It's not enough to just take what I want and be satisfied,  how do I put myself into accord with what is best for all?  I don't know 'all'?

I feel as though I am in the pitch black and am supposed to know where I am going.  I don't.

I ran this morning (my run day was yesterday but both knees were aching) and 2/3 through I could feel a slight buckle in my right knee.  I prayed "Please let me run, please let me find a way to make my knee stronger."

Why does running mean so much to me??!!   Me, no athlete.  Me, still overweight.

I feel alive when I run, alive.

Where else do I feel alive or why am feeling so dead everywhere else?   Wow those are not easy to answer.

I keep hearing this mantra in my head "It's time to leave. It's time to leave"  I don't know what exactly is going on.

I leave for Italy in 6 weeks.  I am still numb about it.  Where is my joy??

What am I supposed to be doing?  Am I in accord with nature?  Should I be in accord with myself?
Should I just look to others and try to help them?  (been there, done that)

I don't know.

What I have been seeking my whole life is a perfected version of me.  I have always thought that there was something wrong with me and I need to fix myself up.  I have put a lot of time and effort into making myself well.  But the closer I get, the more the goal changes.

It's as though I have been building a structure for 30 years only to find that I cannot take it with me on the journey, I have to leave it behind. ..or I can stay with it and rot away.

How to let go?  What am I letting go?  Am I letting go or something letting go of me?

"Let go or be dragged" is printed on a magnet on my fridge.

 I don't want to do either, but of course it doesn't matter what I want...or does it?

windy day

My old set of friends (some of them) are in a band and I went to see them last night.  I was able to be myself all night.  I drank water, chatted a bit, and danced by myself most of the night. There were about 6 of us at a table up front, so I just danced near our table and the wall. 

That's me, I LOVE to dance.  I held nothing back and just did my thing.

2 friends told me how wonderful I looked.  That was nice to hear.  I felt good, maybe that was why.

I danced almost every song. I enjoyed myself and not caring what anyone else thinks about it. Life to too short for that worry anymore. I was proud of myself for kicking back and being me.

Funny how much intimate stuff we know about each other yet we were all socially nice.  I've changed and it is okay.  The world didn't stop revolving.  We all shared a laugh or 2, it was a nice evening. I see that they are all doing their thing too.  I don't have to judge everything. It's their life and I have mine too.

Today I was thinking about moving out of my house. On a deep level I know that is the next step...well AFTER I find a job.

It is very windy today but I went outside and walked on the grass barefoot, it felt grounding to feel the earth.

I sit here in this house that I was happy to own, to fix up, to clean, to care for. It feels sad to start to seriously ponder letting it go.

Things change. The things that I worked so hard to achieve are now things that are almost obstacles to growing up. I'd like to think that I am always evolving...or trying to anyway.

I knew when I came back from Italy that I do better in a village setting. I like being able to walk to things. I like hanging in a cafe or seeing a live concert or play. I like waking up and heading out the door to do something.

Living on this hill have wonderful qualities to it, but my nature is more in tune with a village life. This is the truth and I know it. Yes, I love to be home and quiet too, but it does not outweigh the basic truth of my personality and what I need. A sense of community is nice. I lived that way in grad school in Newport RI. I lived that way on Long Island in Northport when I was 19 and 20 too.

I can feel the detachment happening. It's such a mixture of feelings.

GEE WHIZ...the wind is crazy today!!! It sounds as though the house will blow away.

Well, that would be good. I'd get insurance money and then could go live in a village. ha ha

Things change eh? One day I have my boys, they traveling with me everywhere and then 'poof' those days are gone.

I have choices now and I don't want to be like my ex-husband, so afraid of change. I spoke with him yesterday. He is so defeated. It hurts me to see him like that but what can I do?

I know he is afraid. He's getting older too and his body hurts and he wonders how long he can continue working so hard.  My heart breaks.  I tell him honestly how appreciative I am of all he does, how proud he should be that he takes care of the family.  I tell him I am sorry I couldn't stay married, I am sorry he is so unhappy.

He needs to be with someone. He's that kind of guy, he'd do better with someone to care for, to give him direction or grounding or something. Even when the marriage was at its worst, I think he was happier than he is now.

He is afraid of getting older, of not being able to pay the bills.

I am afraid of getting into the workforce. Simple as that. 

As much as I love being single, I am still living off his paycheck.  I am still a housewife.   

It is easy to see what he needs to do.  It harder to see what I need to do.  But the time is coming and quick.  I need to find employment.  We need the money for bills and I need to grow up so I can venture out on my own.

No more playing house.  I didn't realize how lucky I was all these years to have time to do what I wanted. I didn't have a boss or to have to punch a time card.

As I prepare my sons for maturity and independence, I realize that I am having to do the same.

My years as wife, mother, homeschooler and housekeeper are over...over. Gosh, where did time go?

Another little death.  I feel sad.  I feel grief.  I can't imagine it any other way but I am beginning to try.  

unbelievable

Sometimes that is how life feels, "Unbelievable!!"

I am sitting here after going 12 rounds with my 16 yr old son.
What I want to scream at him is this:

"Wake the hell up and stop pretending to be someone you are not. Do you realize how much of my life I have poured into you so you can have a good life?  How can you be so blind?  So stupid?  So ungrateful? You are a royal pain in the ass.  Fine, go mess up your life.  I want to leave."

I know I expect a lot from my kids, but what should I do...expect nothing?  Or like so many parents I know just let them screw up their life and say, "Well they have to learn sometime."

My son thinks acting like your 25 means you are 25.  I don't have the patience for it today.

I should of told him we would discuss it tomorrow.  I didn't.  So round and round we went.  I got more frustrated and he felt bad for upsetting me.  A lose-lose situation.

Earlier today at meditation (yes, I actually meditated today) I started crying. I mean a "body vibrating" silent cry.  It washed over me for about 5 minutes.  It was embarrassing, to say the least.  Of course people told me how courageous I was, how vulnerable.  I wanted to disappear from the room.

I got extra hugs as I left.  They are kind people but I felt like I told them all a deep secret.
Maybe I did.   "I'm scared.  I hurt."  That was the thought/feeling I had.

I feel very chaotic right now.  You know that place you get to when you've teased a subject so much that now you have to blow-up to release all the tension?  I would love to throw something or wreck this room or punch my hand into the wall.  All this energy is like a pressure cooker.

So what did I do?  I got quiet.  I looked at the floor and said nothing.  I was a mute.  I zoned out.

I told my son to go to bed.  

I sit here wondering how the hell all this happened.  Yes, he broke a rule and yes, I gave him a consequence.  The rest of it was from me having an inner tantrum, screaming "I don't want this to be happening."

I wanted a calm evening.  I blamed him for ruining it.   Who is the child here?

Single parenthood is a hard line to tow.   There are no other adults around to bounce off of when you need it.

The night is over.  I didn't get to relax.

I didn't want to be a mother tonight.  I wanted to just be me.  Nope.

I don't know about other people, but I can't think of a more difficult life choice than parenthood.
I am ashamed that I find it so difficult and all consuming.  I wish I was a natural.  I am not.

Teaching my kids values, ethics. to question things, awareness, choices...when does it end?
Who wants their kids to lose a sense of who they are?

Yes, I remember being 16.  I know, I know.  

I am 47 and sitting on a couch, typing.   I feel such a sense of living in a prison.  I want out but  I will do what is best for the boys.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.  But it is getting harder as there is a part of me that wants to tell them that my time is up, I am soon to be paroled.

It is time for them to assume responsibility.

I'm tired...so tired I fell apart in front of 14 other people tonight.  I didn't know how much I have been hiding.  I've been hiding from myself.  What do  I do now?   Go to bed and try again tomorrow.  
 

rainy days and Mondays..

I've been pushing through the day.  I feel as though I am under water...pressure.  I am doing what needs to be done: driving my son to the dentist, food shopping, cleaned the oven, baked some butternut squash and carrots, steamed up some apples.   I don't feel like me.  I am lost.

My oldest son called from GA and it was wonderful hearing his voice.  He is enjoying the AT.  He has a bit of a cold but is doing well. He is hiking about 16 miles a day.

Home life is still off balance, but I know that time to smooth things out.

I had 4 intense dreams last night and early this morning.  I wrote them down they were so movie-like.

I canceled some appointments this week.  I need time to chill out.  I am not sure what is going on physically but rest can't hurt.  I am messing with my foods again too.  I hope to find a path that decreases the pain.

I do not want to see any dr right now.  I jump on that merry-go-round and life seems to spin faster.
I am not sure how it is for other people, but I find I need to search for the answers for myself.

Chronic illness is a horse of another color and my experience at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Hospital is that they don't like having to deal with grey areas.  Their first push is always meds.  Meds with side effects that can fill a page.

They think I want to take drugs.  No.  I WANT AN ANSWER.  They don't have an answer.  No one knows why these diseases begin.  It is beyond frustrating.

So I continue to putter along, trying to find my way in the dark.

I look forward to running tomorrow.  My 2 mile jog, even though it is still quite an effort, seems to be what I am living for these days.  I feel alive.  I feel whole.

I am in limbo.  I am not sure where I am heading.  What are my goals?  Where am I going?

Staying put is getting more and more uncomfortable, yet I linger because I am clueless how to take care of myself and leave.

A cocoon....that is the symbol.  I am filling out the space and it is feeling tight.  Leaving would be death, or would it?

running away

I woke up this morning and didn't know what to do with myself.  Even though I worked out yesterday, I decided to go run.

I knew this wasn't going to be the best thing for my knee but it was going to be the best thing for my mind and spirit.

As I was running along I realized I was running away from something.  Running away from my feelings, running away from the void, running away from 'what is'.

I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy, but it was all I could do.

It was not as difficult a run as my past 2 runs were and I was grateful for that.

For the last few minutes of the run I prayed out loud "Help me".  That was followed by letting the powers that be know that I gladly forfeit my life for my childen.  May whoever I am, whatever I have, be used to protect them.

I first left my children last year for a month when I went to Italy.  It was magical, the whole process.  I bought myself a passport in January as a gift and within  2 months a friend of a friend offered me her house in Umbertide.

I would like to think that my leaving, my heading out into the greater world, had a positive impact on my children.

The old adage about how our actions rather then just words speak to our children, there is truth in there.

I ran into an old friend today, in the middle of typing this post.We chatted for almost an hour.  It was odd, as we haven't been in touch for 3 months.  It was familiar, in that we we very close and know each other, share the same humor, etc.

Strange day...

I don't know what side is up anymore.  My direction, my relation to other objects is all fuzzy and makes me dizzy.

In some sense I have lost my son.  I have also gained time.  I have also achieved a long range goal of raising my son these past 18 years.

I feel relieved too.  One less person to keep in the forefront of my mind, calculating what is going on, appts, chores, etc.   I know this doesn't mean that I am an a bad mother. I am an honest mother, which isn't easy for me sometimes.

Do any of us ever think the busyness of raising a family will ever end?  For me, it is dying in stages.
Who am I if not a full time mother?  What do I do now?  What skills do I have?

Where is my place in the larger context?  I've been head of this family for so long.  I made a little world and raised my sons.  I totally forgot that this was a temporary life, a temp job.

It hurts.

the day after

I felt better last night after my son skyped us and I could see him.  It was so much better than just his voice over the phone.

I woke up and then hit a wall, emotionally.  I am easily irritated and exhausted.  I don't say much.
My younger son has been with me most of the day and I feel sorry that he is stuck with me.
I can't seem to get myself unstuck.  I don't even know what has drained me so thoroughly.

I know that my son leaving yesterday was a big one, but there is more going on.  I've been keeping a lot of things on the back burner until he set off for his big adventure.

My health has been deteriorating here and there despite eating healthy and running 3x a week.
There is an inner fury over the fact that whatever I do, I cannot make this illness stop.

Having my immune system confused and attacking it's host (ME) sucks.  What else can I say?
My catholic upbringing (and it was a light-version) still holds sway over the thought, "What did I do wrong?"  "I must of done something wrong."

Yet I do not believe in this philosophy when it comes to other people.  My sister Kathy died of cancer, I  never blamed her.

Is this my ego?  I believe that I have control what happens to me?  I suppose I do.  This is a dangerous stance, as it makes me god or a complete failure.  I am neither.

I am tired of feeling like crap.  Tired of pain coming and going, always returning.

I don't like looking at parts of my body affected by illness.   Getting older is adjustment enough, really!

We are having financial difficulties up the wazoo.  Extra expenses for gas as my youngest has driver's ed classed 40 miles away for 5 week. (3x week)  Stuff for the hike,  all organic food for me,  etc.

So what is swimming around my head at a very deep level is this "How am I going to make it!?"
Is this the best I am ever going to feel?  I am honestly stuck with these diagnosis'?

Most of my life I wasn't even aware of my body...now it is never far from my mind.  I took it granted.
I ignored and pushed it to the limits.

See?  I do think this is my fault.  I do.

It's like being in a maze, scrambling for the exit.

I will be 48 next month.  I've been searching the classified ads for a while now and only come away panicked.   What I am qualified to do, I don't want to do.  What I'd like to do, I lack experience.

And how do I do it when some days I crash at 2pm?

So much going through my mind.

I need a break.

I need to say 'Stop! Go rest and stay in the moment'.

It's going to be okay.  Right?  Right?  Please let it all be alright.

tears at the bus

At 7am this morning my son boarded the Dartmouth Coach bus to Boston airport.  As I stood out on the curb, freezing, I waved with my mittens.  My baby, my first born, is on his way.

He is in Georgia by now.  He'll begin his hike tomorrow around noon.

He has been planning this since early January.  I have been supporting his dream from the beginning.  Now it is a reality.

As the bus pulled away from the curb, I followed it for 15 feet, waving frantically, mouthing 'I love you' and tears streaming down my face.  It was over in less than a minute.  He was out of sight.

On his own for the first time.  I couldn't breath easily for a while but it passed.

I am still in town as I had to teach this afternoon and I am taking a class this evening.  I am not looking forward to going home and realizing he is not there.

I spoke to him while he was at the airport and he sounded fine, if not tired.

He'll be taking a train from the Atlanta airport and then to a hotel.  Tomorrow he gets picked up by "Survivor Dave" and will begin his long trek.  If he does the whole thing, he'll be gone for 4 months.
I am hoping more like 1-2 months.

I guess he'll have to find out for himself.

I am not sure what to do.  I don't want to live my life from a worrying place. I'd like to think positive thoughts about him and where he is.

About 6 years ago, he went up in a small plane as part of an flying awareness day for kids.  It was him, 2 kids and the pilot.  As the plane took off, I stood watching my son be taken away from where I could help him, comfort him, protect him.  I lost my breath and stood there in a mixture of shock and sadness. In my silence, a women about 50 came over to me, put her hand on my should and said, "He's having a wonderful time up there."

I knew it was true and it helped calm down the monster that was clutching at my heart and lungs.

He was having fun up there.  When he landed 15 minutes later he was beaming ear to ear.  He was in heaven and his earth bound mother was happy for him.

I am happy for him today.  He planned the trip.  He worked hard for 2 months to save up the money for equipment, etc.

In the car this morning while I was driving at 6am he put his hand out to me.  I took it and we held hands for a few minutes.  That motion said more than words.  He loved me, he was going to miss me, and he needed to follow his dreams.

I have spent 17 years taking care of him.  He reached out today and took care of himself.  He's a old soul and one that I have been privileged to bring into the world.

 I am still holding his hand in my heart.  I'll never let go.  That is my joy.

May his journey be one of self-discovery, bliss and beauty.

Monday, Monday

The sun was out for a while but the grey and pearl colored clouds have once again dominated the sky, blocking out that warm energy.

It's a tough time of year in VT.  I am all wintered out.  The landscape is dull and your mind can't find anything good to focus on.

In a few weeks I will start my seeds and that will bring hope and life to this house, to my psyche.

My son leaves in less than 2 days for Georgia.  Yup, he's going to hike the AT from Georgia to Maine.
Or maybe he'll be home in a few weeks.  We are all taking it a day at a time.  I told him to stay as long as it is useful and not to become a drill sergeant (his nature at times).  For some parents, you have to push your kids.  For me, I have to teach kindness and compassion for SELF.

I am bewildered today.  I stood out on the front deck while sunshine existed and looked at my house.
The only house I have ever owned.  The home I have made here over the past 12 years.  What welled up inside me was very clear.  "It's time to go."

I don't know how I feel about that statement.  I have a haunting inclination that it is true.

I don't know what kind of work I can do.  I will be 48 next month.  Where do I go?  What do I do?

The time has come to take care of myself but my youngest is just 16. (4 days ago)  What to do?

I have been a homeschooling mother for 18 years.  That part of my life is over.  I am no longer married.
How do I find a path to independence?

My illness is an issue but I find myself bored with free time.  What a luxury, free time and I know it yet I would rather be doing something.

I cleaned for a while.  Cleaning always helps.

What is my next step?  I don't see a path.

I tell myself do what you can today.  So house chores are done, my son leaves Wednesday at 7am, I teach a class Wed from 12-2, I take a class from 5-7 on Wednesday too.  I look in the papers and look online.  My ears are open.  I am going down to visit my mother in mid-April for a week and then I leave for Italy on May 23.

Take a deep breath Patty, it's going to be okay.

I don't really believe that...not yet anyway.

incompetence

The older I get the less forgiving I am for this.  I went to pick up something today that a jeweler was supposed to do, very simple, a single letter on a ring.

It was off center...but A LOT.

The manager looked at it and I stood there as she scrambled to figure out what to say.

Unbelievable!!!

I got a bunch of "I'm sorry's" but that doesn't change anything.  I need to ring by Tuesday as my son is leaving.  The shop is closed Sunday and Monday.  I also drove 90 minutes round trip today, for nothing.

As I drove off I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  "I shoulda, blah blah blah"
Well, there is not shoulda here, it is what it is.  Maybe I learned to speak up?  What is the lesson?


When I first went there and ordered the work, I wasn't crazy about the place but I've been to other jewelry stores and none of them were any good.

Even after I ordered the work and paid for it, I seriously thought about going back the next day and canceling the order.  Then I talked myself out of it, telling myself, "It's there now and I need it in 2 weeks, best to let it be". This was WRONG.

So I will remember today.  The  next time I have that feeling that I am being treated poorly or something doesn't feel right, I follow my gut.

Tough lesson.  I feel badly because this ring is for my son and I don't want it to be tarnished. (pardon the pun)

I am searching for silver lining here...

The other day I was in a restaurant that was about 40% full.  Our waitress was not very good and she seemed to have a chip on her shoulder.  I ignored it because I didn't want to ruin the mood but as I got ready to leave I thought "I don't HAVE to leave a tip".  We were only 2 people, easy order, we didn't complain about anything.  So, I left no tip.  This is a first for me.

I am learning I do not have to do what others expect of me.  I don't have to do what I was told by my parents, society, whatever.  I am 47 and just getting the gist of this.

I am far from being mean or difficult, but I am seeing and feeling that I have a CHOICE.  What a concept!

How is that I didn't allow for this before?  Fear?  I don't know.

I am a late bloomer, that is for sure.

Yesterday was my sister Kathy's birthday.  She would have been 57.  It's been 11 1/2 years since she died.  I had a few tough hours yesterday.  I was looking at a photo of us from 1981. We are sitting on a couch in our pjs Christmas Eve and I have my arm around her.   As I looked at the photo, I realized I don't remember touching her.  It has been so long that I can't remember.  I can't remember her voice either.  It's as though she is fading away.  That scared me.

I read a quote that said "The great thing about having a sister is that you always have a friend"
We were best friends.  It was always easy.   I feel weird that there is so much about my life that she doesn't know.

As more and more time passes, our relationship gets further and further away.

I don't believe I'll see her as an angel in heaven.  I do believe our energy, our consciousness lives on.

It would be easier if I believed the former rather than the latter.

I am still here.  I am alive.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I am angry at her for leaving me.  We always said we'd take care of my mom together.  We always planned on getting older and seeing each other's sons grow up.  I still feel the ache of her.  There is a void in my life that cannot be filled.

Honestly, I think it would have been harder for her if I had died and left her here.  I don't mean that in a egotistical way, but it would have been really hard for her, especially since our sister Liz died 2 years ago.  Kathy would have had a really hard time.  So sometimes I think that I have done her a favor sparing her what happened to our family.

I am rationalizing all over the place, I know.

I miss my sister. I miss my dearest friend.  I am filled with gratitude that there was a time when she was mine, my oldest sister Kathleen.  The love lives on....and on...

Snow and then spring?

I heard about the snow a few days ago.  It put a cramp in my week.  I cancelled 2 appointments for today.  This meant driving 45 minutes on Monday to do errands with my youngest son.

We didn't get as much snow as they said.  This makes me crazy.  What is it lately with weather info... they seem to all be on far too much caffeine, that or else they get a commission on batteries and bottled water.

There was a time not so long ago when weather reports were not full of so much FEAR. It's as though the weather casters are all flunkies of drama school.  When did meteorology and bad reality TV combine?

Give me a break, just tell me the facts, 'just the facts, mam'.

So for the 74th time, we got a few inches after we were WARNED we'd get 20 inches.

I was in a funk all morning because I was home rather than doing attending to those 2 appointments today.

I went for a ride to the post office and to return books at the library.

I ended up going to a cafe for an hour.  I drank some tea and wrote a bit.  I have been listening to Bob Thurman lectures on buddhism (I've studied philosophy for over 20 years) and I am feeling unsettled about a few things.

So deep into thought I sat near the big window in the cafe'.   It comes back to this "Who am I?"  and "What am I doing?"

Of late, the new info for me is how stuck I am on the concept of ME.  This focus on myself causes more stress.   If i am surrounded by peace/heaven/nirvana but can't perceive it, what can I do?

And wanting my life to mean more than just taking care of myself.  I pray that I can find a career/job /whatever  to help others with my talent/intelligence/compassion.

I feel very confused.  There is a gist of understanding with all this subtle esoteric education and there is also this struggle to fully comprehend it.

If consciousness was never born and never dies...if everything has some form of consciousness...then my view of myself and the world is way off course.

Can what I think, what I have been told, how I have lived my whole life....be wrong?

Is my perception of reality based on faulty information?  Are there things I believe that are untrue?

It seems so.

There is a sense of freedom lurking around in all this AND lots of thing banging up against each other trying to straighten this out.

Hmm...

pondering

I've been pondering for hours it seems.

What is it that is causing this introspection today?

I woke up feeling fine.  Another beautiful day, so I decided to run even though I usually run every other day or every 2 days.  It was a great run.

I came home and cleaned and organized for 4 hours.  I had some windows open and it felt like spring.
Living in VT that means it will snow soon and the temps will drop into the teens.  Funny and true!

I don't say this many people...shit, I don't say it at all.  I am in pain.  My shoulder joints really hurt.
I am trying to imagine myself working full time.  I am scared.

Then I say to myself "Hey! For today you are okay.  There is nothing to panic about, bills are paid, I can walk, my children are healthy, my car works, cats are fine, there is nothing wrong."

I don't know, I feel in limbo.  My oldest son leaves for the AT in 17 days.  I am helping him get his to-do list done.  He came over to say good-night and give me my check kiss when he said, "Thanks for being my mom".  I was caught off guard.  It was nice to hear, really nice.

I am a good mother.  I really am and it's easy to forget with all the distractions of life.

So I am on my comfy leather love seat and thinking "I am like dark energy, I pull everything together but I can't be seen"  (Did I tell you I love physics too?)

My son saw me today.  Maybe it was just a glimpse, but it was nice to be noticed.

Tomorrow is a new moon and a good time to set an intention for the month.  I have been imagining that everyone and everything feel love and be loved, that there be peace.  I don't know if it makes any difference but I am going to continue doing it just the same.

I am only one person true, but I am not nobody.   I'd rather have big wishes for all then a small wish for only myself.   I think one person does make a difference, even if that one person is just me.

Peace.  

sun and then inner clouds

I woke up feeling grateful as we FINALLY had a sunny day.  I think it was 8 days of clouds.

I went for a run and enjoyed the sunshine.  My knee was more achy but I thanked it for hanging in there for me.

Less than 3 hours later I find myself in knots: My two sons attitudes are grating me today.   They seem to think that their generation is IT.  Don't get me wrong, they are great kids, but the little jabs here and there about my mispronouncing some new band or not understanding why they don't need to buy a certain item...ah, today it just got to me.

We were in a store and when I asked my son if he needed an item for his upcoming backpacking adventure, I got this attitude like I was stupid.  I walked away and let him shop on his own.

Am I over sensitive today?   I wanted to cry later because I felt hurt.  I do so much for them and yet there is little gratitude.  Parenting is hard, especially when you do as a solo act.

Like everyone, I need some appreciation now and again.

I wondered what was going on for me.  Yes, it's hard realizing that 'my boys' are no longer my boys.
Yes it's hard to see that our worlds are diverging and rightfully so, as I have no wish to be young again.
I am very comfortable being 47, thank you.

How can my kids know how good they have it, when this is all they know?  Of course they assume this is how it is for everyone.

I know how differently things can go.  I know I am a very different parent than my parents.  I've worked hard to get here.  It wasn't just presto-chango.

A part of me feels that it is time to go.  What am I doing here?  But I know they still need me, even if it is harder to see and less often.

I work hard because I want them to grow up in a healthy manner.  I don't think even they want to grow up as much as I want them to grow up.

Perhaps I am not free until they do and yet, who will I be then?  I've been a homeschooling mother for 18 years.  Who indeed am I?

I have a lot to be grateful for, including today's beautiful weather.

I am grateful for my sons.  I still have lessons to learn, just as they do.  

Why tears today?  My oldest leaves in 18 days...maybe the emotions are starting to surface.  He'll be on his journey backpacking through Georgia.  He may be gone for a month or 5 months, depending if he ends up in Maine.

Loss.  Love.  Good-byes.  Adventures.  Worry.  Happiness.  
Love, again and again and again...always.  

reflecting

I had a dr's appt today.  I really can't stand waiting in exam rooms with the door closed for 30 minutes.  Next time I hope I have the wherewithal to speak up...or at least open the door a bit.

Also, why don't I bring a book!?

I came home feeling a bit low as I am back on the medical merry-go-round:
-7 labs to be drawn
-Specialist this Friday
-Ultrasound on Monday  (Why is liver swollen?)
-Skin biopsy on Wednesday (Ugh)

I started to think about the past 2 years and these medical dramas I have been living through.
Tests and tests and then the...let's wait and see attitude.

I have taken my health into my own hands by eating very healthy and exercising.  I take a few vitamins and fish oil.  I drink water.  I meditate. What else can I do?

Taking care of myself means doing things I am don't like to do, hence today's appt.

Who am I these days?  I've been changed by the divorce, the illnesses, my sons growing out of childhood.

I have a hutch in the kitchen and the 3 shelves are full of family photos.  I looked at one of me holding my oldest son.  I am 30 and he is about 6 months old.  Who is she?  Where did he go?

There is a photo of me when I am 9 and we were living out in Palo Alto, CA.   Who is she and where did she go?

I've been reflecting a lot today.  I think things stay the same but they don't.  Everything is changing, sometimes so slowly as to not notice.  Sometimes quickly, as when my body breaks down.

It's been cloudy here for several days and that takes a toll on me too.  Late this afternoon, I saw some blue sky.  It was beautiful.  The sun was already setting but I hope to see it tomorrow.

Why am I sad?  I am going to Italy in less than 3 months.  Everything has fallen into place.  I got a great air fare, a place to stay in Umbria, a room for 4 days in Rome...what's MY problem?

I feel disconnected.  I feel scared.  I can't get a hold on that universal concept of "we are all one".

I will push my way through the medical appst I have for the next 2 weeks but I will do so without support.  I know there are people who have it much worse than I do.  I am sorry people are sick and/or in pain.  I wish everyone peace and love, truly I do.

Do I think I can will myself healthy?  Honestly I don't know what more I can do?  I suppose what is left now is to accept what is and LIVE.

I long for spring.  Living in VT, March is a tough month.   Although it's been a light snow winter, there is still mud season to get through before spring.  We still have snow on the ground.

I bought my seeds for starting in April.  I love to look at them.  New life!

I am looking out the sunroom windows right now.  It's almost 6pm.  All the colors are muted.  Brown, grey and white.  No color.  Even our complexions are pasty this time of year.

Under those drab colors are greens and grass and flowers.  I know it.

I will do what I need to do this week.  I can't know what colors await me in the future.

"something wonderful"

It's been a while since I've written as life has a way of taking over...
schedules, dr appts, food shopping, cleaning the bathroom, driving my son places.

About 2 weeks ago a new friend of mine told me about this book she read that discussed being aware of our thoughts.  It was interesting to me as this is a theme I have come across in comparative religions and philosophy.

A few days ago I started saying to myself in the morning, something wonderful is going to happen today.  I found myself looking for things, like enjoying a cup of tea with Bella on my lap while we watched the chickadees eat at the bird feeder.  I was finding 'something wonderful' every day.

Then I read this quote, "Live life like an experiment" and something clicked.  Yes, why not live as though this is an experiment, try things out, don't be so afraid.  PLAY, be curious, step out of the box.

So I took a chance and wrote an email.  The result?  I am booked on a flight to Italy for mid-May.
WOW!!!

I never thought I would return to Italy.  Several things fell into place, the MOST important being that the woman who owns the house in Umbria is allowing me to stay there again.

It's still hasn't sunk in yet.

A month ago I was devastated about my knee, about my chronic illness.

I changed the way I ate, it's been almost 5 weeks of only eating organic veggies (no potatoes, no corn) some fruit and chicken.  I am running 2-3x a week.  (dr doesn't know that yet, ha)

I feel so grateful.  As I ran in the snow today (not easy) I looked at the trees and nature...bliss.

Not taking myself so seriously, not letting fear paralyze me, and taking risks...asking, it the way to go.

I am 47 and really just starting to understand life.  The focus in more on living, rather than ME.

Joseph Campbell said that what we are all looking for is an EXPERIENCE of life, not a meaning.  I know what he means.  ;)

another run today

I ran 2 miles today even as the muscles behind my injured knee cried out "pain!".  I ended the run a bit early, so it wasn't as though I completely ignored the cries.  I iced it and took some motrin too.

I have been my old self of late and I am grateful.  Every day I say a thank you to the world and myself.

I read in a meditation book today the idea of getting stuck in ruts, how we unknowingly stay with what we know even when it is no longer working.  I immediately thought of my marriage.  How long did I know that it was over?  Years...YEARS.   Why did I stay?  I thought I could change it, change ME.

How many times have I assumed that the problem with anything is ME?  Short answer: A LOT.

There is always this "What's wrong with me?" driving my behavior.  If I could just be _________
(fill in the blank)  everything would be better/fine.

Even the friendships I have ended come from a long time knowing that things were not good.  I believed that whatever I had was better than nothing.  I was wrong.  It's better to have nothing.

I don't have the pressure anymore.  No pressure to conform or to say what I know others want to hear.  No pressure to be less than I am or more than I am.  I am enough to be me.  We are all different and it's okay that I don't know anyone like me.  My job is to be me and I am up for the task.

Do I feel lonely sometimes, sure.  I feel bored more often. I see that the time has come to get out of the house and work...or volunteer.

I have been home raising kids for 18 years, homeschooling them too.  Now when I am home with the boys I feel uneasy.  That life is over and I feel pulled and pushed about it.  I am sad on one side and looking forward to something new on the other.  I guess the word 'ambivalent' fits in well here.

I don't know what kind of job I can get and I am very scared that I will have to do something I hate.
I calm myself down by saying that my attitude about what I do will be most important.

I know enough about myself about what jobs not to take.  I have already sent emails out to 3 of them and after reading the job descriptions, I knew they were not the way to go.

From where I am now, I cannot fathom how I could find a job close to home that I love doing and that can allow me to pay my monthly bills.

Saying that, 2 years ago there is no way that I could have imagined getting divorced, handling my illnesses, and going to Italy for a month so I need to remember that life has a way of taking care of things.

Just because I cannot see it doesn't mean it isn't possible.  I am staying open to possibilities.   I am not allowing fear to take over my life.  I do what I can with what I have to do each day.

In the movie "Shakespeare in Love" there is a line that one of characters repeats throughout the film when it looks as though catastrophe is near.   "Strangely enough, it all turns out well".

Life is indeed a mystery and I don't know how things fall into place...but they do, they indeed do.

Breaking the surface

Hello world (and me) I missed ya!

A few days ago I woke up and could feel that the underwater feeling that I had been struggling with, had dissipated.  It was as though I was reborn into the air, once again.  Ahhh..

I didn't say much for the first day or two, I was afraid it was a false alarm. It wasn't.

Those 10 days were hell, no doubt about it.  I started a major food change before this began and I wonder if the withdrawal of caffeine, corn, red meat, beans, rice, potatoes...there is too many to write.
I now eat organic veggies, some fruit and occasionally chicken.  I enjoy s fruit smoothie here and there and fresh juice once in a while.  It is simple.  Amazingly, I am not hungry very often yet when I am, anything will do.  My food cravings have melted away.

I was so devastated by my knee problem...but yesterday I realized what a GIFT it was!  I would not have made food changes (I want to get weight off my knee for I can RUN).  I would not have sought out a knee specialist who told me a few days ago that my knee is free from any major defects and as it heals and I do PT to build up the muscles around it, I will be able to run.

Now he also said that I will most likely need a knee replacement some day due to the osteoarthritis,  bone spurs, and ligament wearing away BUT there is HOPE.

I was so excited that yesterday morning I woke up and that lovely inner voice whispered, "run".  So I did.  I wore a knee brace and I ran gingerly, trying to push off with the front of my foot rather than pounding away with a heal strike.  After 6 weeks of no running, I ran my normal 2 miles.

The knee was strained but when I got home I iced and rested it for most of the day.

I am SO HAPPY.  I can run.  Being cut off from that activity was like being cut off from my soul.  I feel alive when I run.  Just me and the world, me and nature, bopping along the road...it is heaven.

I have decided to rest for 3 days and then run again.  I alrady signed up for my first ever 5k run.  This was something I have been looking forward to for many months.  My sons ran in it last year and my oldest boy who is 17 told me he is going to run it with me.  He'll have to run slow to keep up with me but it was so sweet of him. He leaves for a 4 month trek on the Appalachian Trail in 6 weeks.  This will be a lovely thing for us to share.

I have also realized that my thinking has been OLD.  Lots of childhood and young adult thoughts were running my life such as "No one loves me"  "I can't do this"  "What's wrong with me?" "I don't fit it anywhere"  "I want to die."

I have been telling myself each day "I want to live. I want to love. I want laugh. I want to dance. I want to run. I want everything I do to help others in some way. I want to work. I want peace. "

Talk about a total turn around, eh?  I am not sure what is going on, but I am going with it.  I went through the dark times.  I am going through these bright times.  I am following nature rather than fighting with it.

I don't know how things are supposed to go.  I don't know if I am worthy or lovable. I don't know what the future holds for me, those I love, the world.  I don't know if I am going to fail.  I don't know if I can make it on my own financially.  I don't know.

But this I know:  I've been though hell and back more times than I care to recall.  What was all that for if not to be here today?  I am here.  I am alive.  I am grateful.  I am taking care of myself.  I am not allowing fear to dictate my life.  I feel as free now as I did in my month in Italy.  What I experienced there is becoming part of my life here.  I am so lucky, so fortunate.  I feel peace.  I share peace.  Heaven is not a place, it's a frame of mind.  It's lovely.  May you feel it too.

And on it goes...

I woke up this morning and the deep emotional ache met me head-on.

I am at a loss for what is going on with me.  It is on a level that I am not conscious of and it is making me crazy.  It is as though a part of me is gone.  I don't feel fully alive.  Something has anesthetized me.
I can't access all of myself.

My knee is not healing properly so my running days may be over.  I am SLOWLY coming to terms with that truth.  I looked up exercise bikes online...I need to do something.  They say swimming is the best thing to do but I sure don't have the money for a health club membership.

In the field of mythology(which I teach) there is a metaphor of something called "The wasteland".  My life for the past week or so has been a wasteland.  I see life, I see beauty but I am stuck underwater.

I have been impatient with my sons and find that I stare at the clock wondering how I will get through the day.  Only eating homemade veggie soup and smoothies does not make any of this easier.  I have always been an emotional eater and not having that crutch is making this painful.

A day at a time, that is well known saying.  I am taking it a breath at a time.  Here I am.  I am alive.

I've been reminding myself of all I have to be grateful for: a home, my children's health, a working car, bills paid, I am more healthy then not.  It all feels hollow.

What is it?  There is something I have missed somewhere.  I keep trying to look back and see what happened.  What drove me under?

I feel stuck, really stuck.  As though I was on my way somewhere and all of sudden there was an electric outage.  Boom.  Stuck.

When I could run, I was free.  I could put on my running clothes and my sneaks and head out!

And no, walking is not the same.  There was special release when I ran, even when it was hard.

Unless you've been a runner, I don't think anyone can understand.  I am surprised more than anyone as I have never been a person who exercises, nevertheless ran.

Running was a way of not being my illness.  Running was a way of being in the world.  Running was pure me and I loved it.

It's not just feeling sorry for myself.  It's not just a pity party, I promise.

It is an overload.  An emotional overload.  Yes, sooner or later I will come to terms with what is happening to my body.  That moment has not arrived.

I don't know who I am anymore.  If you can't count on yourself, what are you supposed to do?
I am living in a war zone of sorts, I never know what is going to go 'boom' next.

I'm tired.  I afraid.  I'm alone.  Ugh.

'Hey Jude'

This song just came on at the cafe.  Like I wasn't sad enough today.  Crap.  My oldest Kathy (born in 1956) was a huge Beatles fan.  I miss her, especially these days when I am feeling so low.

I keep wondering what is it that I have to be depressed about anyway?  Then I realized that this feels like grief.  I know this well.  I've buried my father when I was 20, Kathy when I was 36, my other sister Liz when I was 47.  I've (partly) adjusted to having a chronic illness that keeps chugging along.  I ended my 23 year marriage in 2011.  Yeah, grief and I know each other well.

"Existential Blues" that is a term that also describes what is going on with me.  I look around and DO NOT understand what the hell people are thinking/doing.  It seems everyone buys into whatever is cool these days.  Is anyone noticing the truth?

Is life really about buying beer and having a sexy looking girlfriend?  Is like really about your house smelling like lavender?  Is it about shiny hair and a new car?  Is shopping the new xanax?  Is everyone on some kind of medication?!

I am 47 and all I see in my future is becoming another tiny cog in this big machine.  I don't want to be a cog.  I don't want to be like everyone else.  I don't want to live in a box, drive 45 minutes to find culture, and have no friends.  But this is how I live.

What does society do with the people who don't fit in?  Are some of the homeless people those who dared to say no?

What are the alternatives?

The worries of life never seem to decrease.

My ex-husband hours have been cut at work, so we have gone from living week-to-week, to a new very tight budget.  This is life. People seem like surfs, struggling to keep their heads above water.

I live off my ex-husband's income for another 2 years, until our youngest is 18.  Who am I to complain.

I don't think I have what it takes to make it out there.  Honestly.  Life isn't for everybody.

What I do, who I am, is not enough to live independently.  How do I accept that about myself?
I can hate myself but that gets me nowhere fast.

I do love teaching, which I do once a week for 2 months.  In that, I can be myself.
When I dance, I am me.  When I write, I am me.

So I need to find a teaching, dancing, writing gig?

I am finding everything difficult these past 3 days.  I am off-track.

What is the grief about?  The loss of my life, how it used to be.  The old friendships are over.  I can't run until my knee heals.  I have made major changes in my diet.  My life has been stripped down, deconstructed.  My 'home' is now 2x4s and studs.  What to do?  What to do?

Feel it.

I am.

Oh, I really am.

driving around

I woke up today feel somewhat less lost.  Within an hour, the gloomy funk returned.

I cleaned a bit, (odd places like under my bed, the lid of the garbage, around the phone) listened to classical music and found myself back in the place of "what do I do?"  Life seems dead.

I got dressed (looking like a human being helped remind me I am a human being) and headed out.
Where? No idea.

I drove north on the interstate.  No music in the car, just the hum of the engine.  I wrestled with these demons that have me frantically searching for peace, connection, something!

I looked at the winter colors of the trees and the cloudy sky, they too are depressed.

I got off at an exit I knew so I wouldn't get too lost in northern NH.  I parked on the busy main street village and wrote: What's wrong with me? Why am I numb? What am I depressing aboutmyself, about others?

I sat in my little car writing, getting nowhere.

I went for a walk.  A man stopped me and asked if I was from around there.  I said no and then he told me he is really from Cape Cod and he needs to take a bus home...yada yada yada.  I heard him say he need $5.  I took the money from my pants pocket and handed him a five.  "God bless you"  he said.

I walked away not knowing how he was going to spend that $5, but it didn't matter.  He was in need.  I had it to give.  Blessing to him.

I went into a thrift store and looked around.  I didn't want to buy anything today.  A woman feeling miserable shopping?  Oh please, just what this world needs.

I walked behind main street where there is a long covered bridge that goes over a river.  I walked and then decided to jog the rest.  My knee is not well, I KNOW.  I miss running.  I miss getting out and doing it.  I wanted to do it this morning but I didn't.  I have PT starting this Thursday and it should heal before I start pounding away at it.

Maybe that is where some of this gloom is coming from...I can't run.   Where is my outlet now?
What do I do with the energy that got released when I ran?

I thought about buddhist ideas today, trying to get myself off the idea of ME.  ME as the center of the world, ME as the poor thing who doesn't have a good friend, ME who might end up alone.

I looked around me and saw the bigger picture.  There are people walking asound shopping with their partner, children, some alone.  I've been a couple, a married couple, so I need to remember that every couple I see isn't necessarily happy.  I know that too.

It was too cold to walk anymore so I headed home.  I listened to a cd of songs from the 70's and 80's.  I sang along with some of them.  I looked at the mountains as I drove south on the interstate.  No snow, how odd for February in these parts.  

I am a tiny part of life.  ME isn't all there is.  I don't know how or when I am going to feel better.  Maybe this is how I feel but when I am busy I don't notice?

I am struggling.  I am tired.  I don't want to be unhappy.  Perhaps this is the road I am on.  Who knows where it will lead.

misfit, outcast

That is how I feel today, as though I don't belong.

I don't know why.  I look at my life and see the next step to take but I am tired.
I am tired of life challenging me.  When is the break?  When we die? I am not so sure.

I got up this morning, showered, drank my juice and headed out to do Saturday morning chores: recycle, garbage, bank and post office.

Then...nothing.  I had no where to go, no one to call, nothing to do.  I didn't want to go home.  I am living on a tight budget so just driving around wasn't an option.

I got home and felt depleted, dead.  Living in a wasteland with no life energy.  I tidied up a bit and made some soup.  I sat down and starting reading a book on the ancient mother goddess, this is research for a course I am teaching in March.

So I got the wood stove going. I read.  I ate soup. My sons went to the local cafe with laptops in tow.
"They have more of a life than I do" I thought sadly to myself.

When did I get old?  When did things that used to make me happy, fail to do so anymore?
Did those things really make me happy or were they distractions?

What do I want?  What am I so fiercely fighting for anyway?

I can remember searching for answers at 19, it was like banging my head against a stone wall.

I am still searching for 'IT'.

I think that I am looking for a goal line to pass over so I can slam down the football and scream "Touchdown!".  I want to be done, I want to 'make it' whatever the hell that means.

I am searching for purpose.  Yes, that is the perfect word.

While I was journaling today about feeling frustrated with this heavy role of MOTHER, I wrote this on the margin of the page:

 Does no one know me?

That stopped me cold.  Does anyone know me, I pondered.  No, is the truthful answer.

I am not someone who keeps her emotions locked up. I am quite good at expressing myself, both verbally and in writing.

I've ended all my friendships in the past 2 years, so I don't have a history with anyone.

Do I know myself?  I have a pretty good idea.

I think of the prayer of St. Francis and wonder "Do I know anyone?"

I spoke to someone yesterday who knows a friend (who I recently stopped hanging out with) and told me in passing something about them.  (a weekend plan)  I felt neutral about it.  I have not told anyone that we are no longer friends.

On my way home I realized that even though I miss the emails and social gatherings with these friends, I did not miss who I was when I was with them.  I do not miss her at all.  I don't miss pretending I don't notice when their children are acting very inappropriately,  I don't miss the drinking, I don't miss the drama, I don't miss acting as though I don't mind when I do.

I was the problem with the friendship because I wasn't being me.  I tried to be me, it didn't go over well.

How do I fit in?  I think about life, our culture, economy, and ask myself "HOW? How the hell am I going to find a way to take care of myself and still retain my spirit?"

The answer is that I don't know. I don't have the faintest clue.  For now, the wood stove is burning hot and the chicken soup smells good.  I know I am a misfit, that much I know for sure.  Ooomph.